{ eff this. }

i don't like parties. anymore, i really don't like drinking. but getting to that point where i can keep myself from drinking, well, that's a horse of a different colour. i need another adventure. i'm about to move into a nice place, with a fire pit, plum tree and hot tub. with my own private balcony. and the change will be oh so nice. but i need to go on some form of adventure. some trip needs to transpire. i need to make fellowship friends. not drink until you hate yourself friends. now i'm not saying that people i know and love now are like that. don't fret little ones. i'm just very bored of booze. i'm sick of writing about it all the time. i want to learn how to do things! like carpentry and auto mechanics and how to raise chickens. i want to make things out of trash. i want to be ever so peaceful. and look good in coveralls. harvest. and then move to spain. come on, self. let's getta move on.

{ i am hilarious. }

sometimes i think i'm really funny. hey, do you know what's exciting? fall. fall is exciting. it's my favourite season. maybe i'm just saying that because it's new and fresh, and exactly what i need. here's a bad dream i had once, taken from the archives of this very blog, from 2003:

Wow, worst dream ever... Last night I had this horrific dream. Where does my mind come up with this stuff. Dreams make me think that there are definitely demonic presences. Honestly. I woke up and I thought my heart was going to explode. My chest hurt so badly because it was beating so hard. Seriously folks. It took me about ten minutes to calm myself down to the point where I was normal. I was paralyzed. You know, when you have a terrible dream, and you cannot move, no matter how hard you try. This dream was really fucked up. And I felt a lot of badness in the room when I awoke. So I didn't move. I was all sweaty. It was scary. After about an hour, I'm supposing because I didn't even look at the clock, I turned on the light in my room, and just laid in bed for two more hours. There was something really big running around on the roof, too. Maybe not that big, but I'd say raccoon sized. I HATE bad dreams, I get them all the time. I just couldn't believe how fast my heart was racing. And the dream was really vivid. Nothing in the dream happened to me, but I was watching everything. And it was frightening. Very fucked up. The thing I remember the most was when the girl jumped into the car (she was stealing it...I just thought of that) the keys had a little rubber skull key chain. Weird, why was that in my dream, why so much detail. This is the dream: (This beginning part is in first person) I walk down the street and come across this building with odd, paper signs on the front window. It's a store, and I don't remember what the signs said. I go in, and the walls are mustard yellow, with an orange band following the wall. It's a vintage clothing store. Weird clothes everywhere. Not all vintage. Polka-dot shorts. The clothes are hung in weird places. They aren't at eye level, there at waist level. I'm looking around the store. The resister in the the middle of the room. In the far left corner there is a section of vintage dolls and stuffed animals, like Rainbow Bright and Strawberry Shortcake and characters from Sesame Street. Interesting store. Then I'm in the watching perspective (omnipresent? ... I don't know), outside the store. It is night time now, and some bad shit is going on, and I don't remember what it was, just a really bad, evil feeling came over me. The store looked deserted and gross. I'm looking across the street from the store ,now. Whatever it is that is bad is there. It is this folding blob, not a blob exactly, but it's this substance that's melting together. It is pure evil, I can tell, I can just feel it. It talks, and I don't know what it says, but the idea is that someone is cursed, and it's going to kill them. Now I'm watching this girl, she's blonde and very pretty. She goes into her apartment. There's a guy in the other room, and she knows the guy, but it isn't him, he's possessed or something by this evil thing. But not just possessed, he's, I guess, dead, and this creature is using his body. He was the cursed one, and now he's going to kill this girl. She's cursed now. The guy makes some remark about how they are going to have sex or something. For some reason I was waiting for him to say this. He sounds very fake and awkward. Then I'm watching this man. He's with a friend, standing at the bottom of the stair. I watch from above. They talk, they're both possessed. I find out he's possessed at this point, because his friends starts rubbing the front of his neck, and it's like he's overcome by this feeling. His head goes back, and the front of his neck begins to look like a spine. His neck gets really long, and finally he tells his friend to knock it of and whips his neck back into place. I think while I was watching this part I took on the roll of the blonde girl for just a moment. The next thing I see is this girl running. She's running as fast as she can because she found out about that guy. She's running through the grass at night, but she can't run fast because I'm dreaming, and I want her to run faster but she can't. She can only take these long strides. She finds out the guy is following her, and she's frantic. She runs past this cop, but he's cursed too, so he can't help her, he's going to die soon anyway. The man that's chasing her has lost all human form, and has become some sort of creature. The only way I can think to describe it is Werewolf, but it isn't one, It's a really fucked up wolf. it's hideous and disgusting. It's face is long and full of teeth. It's chasing this girl who's scared to death, she doesn't want to die. She reaches this car, it's a hatch-back old car. Like a short station wagon. It's tan both outside and in. The keys are in the ignition, they have a skull key chain, and she starts the car. She's frantic and clumsy, but she manages to do everything alright. At this point, the cop she past is at the passenger window pounding on the door, but it's locked, he's screaming. He's going to die. She pulls out, and tries to drive away. The monster has caught up to her now, and is running beside the car. It's shrieking. It's screaming, and I can't even begin to describe what it sounds like, the worst noise I have ever heard in my life. She's trying to drive away as fast as she can, but once again, I'm dreaming so she can't drive very fast. I want her to drive fast so badly. This wolf thing is still chasing her, she rams it with the side of her car, and pulls down a different road. She was on Main St before. She turns right, and then left. She's going really slow, and I want to cry. When she turns left the wolf is there, and she hits him and runs him over. She tries to accelerate, but she can't. The wolf is holding onto the bottom of the car and she can't drive away. She's gonna die. Then I woke up.

Yeah. I got an A in my computer class! Go me.

also, it should be said, that i am a terrible speller, but after editing this post, i realized, i was a horrific speller. i'm doing much better now...

{ old ironsides. }

lots of things are happening. here are some of them:

-school (as in the teachy kind)
-church (as in the learny kind)
-looking for home (fingers crossed, this seems to be going well)
-considering gallery (called "ironsides")
-fall is today (very exciting)
-still trying to not drink, but eat well (constant struggle)

but it's a lot of stuff. i've been working 60 hour weeks for two weeks now. not so fun. i think what's exciting about all this work is the underlying desire to see it all work out. and maybe it won't. but it is inspirational. i feel inspired. i'm gonna go drink some tea now.

{of love and hate.}

i just ate a lot of hot sauce. it was delicious. made me sweat under my eyes and on the upper lip. my mouth is on fire. oh hot sauce, you make me a fool. but when i get a taste of you, it seems i can't stop until i've absolutely debilitated myself with your strength. you make me vulnerable. how will this ever work? how can we succeed? every time i have you in my clutches, i'm like a drunkard. craving your spicy powers. devouring every last drop, while you char my innards. leaving me wallowing in miserable bowl movements for days. curse you and your flavour! the complexity of your finger licking goodness!! and the diversity of your many brands. this can't stand. you are destroying me. or am i destroying myself...

{fat lady.}

i'm pretty sure i'm a "fat lady". i don't really feel like one. i know i'm doughy. but when i look at pictures of myself i look enormous.
well... back to the drawing board...

{kid plague.}

the first week of school was murder. i've contracted what is now know (by me/to me} as "kid plague." which is the product of suddenly being around a hundred and fifty children all of the sudden. i might as well be eating germs like a big bowl of cereal. on a lighter note, i went to church today, and followed this with brunch prepared by the bee at his workjob. it was very satisfying. i like being the kind of girl who orders exorbitant amounts of food and eats it all. there's a bonnie prince billy line that goes "You wore no shoes and ate like a leopard" and i feel that line fits me quite well. eating is good. i like it. especially after lots of hard work on my body, like riding from ne 9th/rosa parks to se 52nd/division. anything that makes me thirst. it's a righteous thirst. now if only i can stop drinking... and find a new place to live. pray for me. i have a lot of work to do.

{the magic boring.}

the magic boring is what sage and i call the grocery store when we are on adventures through neverland. or through oz. or whatever land he is currently reading about. i haven't told anyone this yet, but, i'm dying. very very slowly. it won't be too long now. i am dying because i am so boring. the most boring person in the world, actually. i am so tired. and sick. the kids germs flocked to me this week, taking over my system. things are out of whack. i'm gradually figuring the rhythm of the day, things are coming together. i've pretty much worked at least ten hours every day this week. and i work tomorrow at the waffle box. and sundays contain childcare too. i don't really feel it until i sit and thing about it, like right now, so i won't think about it anymore. i may be boring, but whatever. i'll just be alone and boring. that way no one will really know just how boring i am, because there won't be anyone there to ask me what i do, or hang out with me, or call me on the phone, or stop over for a drink. god, i am ridiculous. something has to give, because my brain is in a different dimension right now. everything/one is out of their minds. i just want to cuddle.

{farewell, despereaux.}

today i found a baby mouse in the kitchen at school. he was trapped in a tub and looking very tired. i showed him to a teacher, who screamed and ran from the room. i had no idea people were so afraid of mice in real life. it always seemed like a cartoon thing.

i named him Despereaux, after the mouse of Tales, and after introducing him to many children, i set out to release him. for some time we walked around the school, then the block. i wasn't quite sure where to free him, what with so many houses around. finally i got tired of walking up and down streets with a huge, green tub filled with a mouse. and at a pleasant enough looking street corner, in front of a house that looked like it might already have mice, i turned him loose.

he slid from the bottom of the box slowly, and onto the sidewalk. where he sat, lazy eyed for some time. "be free!" i said, to which he waddled a bit and then laid down. after staring at him for a while, i helped him back into the tub with my shoe, and took him down to the church basement for a rest.

i gave him a handful of mulch chips, a blanket, half a string cheese, a baby carrot, and a quarter piece of pita bread. he didn't move for a while, just crouched facing the corner. eventually he made his way to the pita, placed a paw on the edge and started nibbling slowly. it was awesome to watch his little mouth.

Despereaux slept for a long time. it seemed he needed to rejuvenate after what i assume was a long stay in the green tub, and all the children fawning over him. when the end of the day arrived, i took him outside. he was running all over the box, obviously feeling revived. behind the church, in a nice green area, i tipped the box again. little Despereaux quickly made his way under the closest tiny shrub. "goodbye, Despereaux." i said, waving softly. he turned, as if to acknowledge my farewell, and scurried on into the unknown...

{one step forward, two steps back.}

i finished a journal last night. school started on wednesday. i still need an assistant, and it's murder trying to organize a room of fifteen kids who just got out of school alone, in addition to being in a gigantic auditorium, where each child is just losing themselves in that great amount of space. i'm hungry and weirded out about everything.