Forgot my song for the day. Thank you Radiohead...


I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change.

Kill me Sarah,
kill me again with love,
it's gonna be a glorious day.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

The head of state has called for me by name
but I don't have time for him.
It's gonna be a glorious day!
I feel my luck could change.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.
We are standing on the edge.

Yeowza. That's the word summing up everything I'm feeling right now. ...Wait, now it's "jojoba." Because I like that word, and just read it off of a bottle of hand lotion. Just say it in your head a few times, and you'll know how I'm feeling. Now it's "wildcats." "Wildcats...pkeeew... I gotta go." Something like that. For as awesome as Owen Wilson is, he sure is in some shitty movies. Anyhow, things are still crazy, but I'm feeling more peaceful now. A few nights ago a friend of mine was having a really hard time with her portion in life at the moment and was discussing it with my friend Heidi and me. All of the sudden the cops pull up to her house and say that someone called in reporting a loud party over there. The caller was undoubtedly her soon-to-be ex-husband being a petty asshole and trying to make her life miserable, even though he isn't supporting their child at all, and continues to avoid signing the divorce papers and has yet to show up for his court date. This whole cop, prank, high school shit just kind of put her over the edge. It was really bad, just to think that he would do that. I mean, come on, how childish. We had only been chatting quietly and the cop could see that nothing was going on, so he apologized and said he would look into the call and proceeded to leave. It was really crazy, after he left we talked a bit more, and were about to go inside, and I asked her if it was okay if I prayed for her. She said it was cool, and that lots of people had been telling her that lately. I told her that I wanted to pray for her now, right there, and asked Heidi to join. So we prayed for positive energy and lots of stuff, and it was so beautiful. She cried and cried and it felt so good. I don't remember the last time I prayed aloud for someone, in a group setting. Either way, we felt the spirit of the Lord on that situation. I just hope that she sees how much God loves her. And hopefully through this I can see how much He loves me, and maybe start loving myself again. I'm really trying to surround myself with positive energy and spiritual people who will bring me up to a higher place, a place I should be. It's hard. I would like to start going back to church. I really don't like organized religion, but I need good people right now, and I know where to find them I guess. This year has been a success as far as humility goes. I feel so humble and gracious about a lot of things. I hope this enlightenment continues.

Well well well. Summer is here and so am I. Let's see, well, I'm doing pretty well, and I have managed to use the word "well" five times already. I'm at work, but that's okay because soon enough I will not be at work. Perspective. That's what this life calls for, a good dose of perspective. Anyhow, I have made a few changes in my life. A little spring cleaning if you will. Some "rearranging." And all is going well. Loosing some weight, my face is clearing up. I just have to hand in some late papers and I will be set as a jet. I made that one up. I have taken up a job as a "child care supervisor," also known as "baby-sitting," but that just doesn't seem P.C. enough now does it? Anyway, cutest, damn kid ever. And we are going to swim and eat watermelon all summer long, at least on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Anyhow, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I needed some resolution in my life, and with a little help from above, I'm managing just fine now. Happy as a clam. Assuming clams are always happy... which doesn't make any sense to me, because when your hands are all gross and moist you say they're "clammy," and clams get eaten a lot too. Whatever man. I keep thinking crazy things like, "I love who you are, I love who you ain't, you're so Anne Frank," (Outkast) and the name "Jark Mangkar," who is this guy I know, except his name is Mark Jangkar. I don't know how to spell that at all. IT sounds like someone from Star Wars. Anyhow, I'm going to go and clean toilets now! Nothing can get me down! Toilets, do your worst!!!

Well, blogger is new and improved. All I came here to say was that my life is stupid and annoying to me. Tonight I hope to burn a lot of old shit of mine. Poems and shit. Things that don't bring back to mind pleasant times. Yeah, my life is really stupid. The more I think about it. I feel like I'm writing this history book everyday, and it's about my life. I can really chose whether or not it's stupid, based on the decisions I make, and thusfar, it seems like a really stupid life. I think my best bet is to just stop giving such a damn about every stupid thing. On that note Modest Mouse?:

we have one chance.
one chance to get everything right.
we have one chance, one chance,
and if we're lucky we might.
my friends,
my habits,
my family,
they mean so much to me.
i just don't think that it's right.
i've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again
and go off sinking.
i'm just a box in a cage.
i'm just a box of mistakes.
didn't mean to laugh,
didn't know i had.
didn't know the better part of what you said,
cuz in your head you are not home.
didn't get the joke.
didn't mean to poke another,
just to save myself from some something
something or another one.
well walk home.
i'm just a box in a cage.
we have one chance,
one chance to get everything right.
my friends,
my habits,
my family,
they mean so much to me.
i just don't think that it's right.
i've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again
and go off sinking.

I have this friend. This friend that I care about tremendously. And this friend is killing me more and more inside and out everyday. Every freakin day. And I keep going over to his house. I keep hanging out or trying to, and investing my time, and investing my love into this friend. Who makes me hate myself more and more inside and out everyday. It's almost like the more love I give to him, the more I take away from myself. And I don't know why I keep putting stock into this friendship. He has practically taken the love I have for everything else in this world, and made me forget. Why do people choose to have such friends. I can honestly say I do, and I don't know why I do it. I hate myself because of this person. I hate the way I look and talk and laugh. I feel like the ideas that I have aren't good enough anymore, and this I'm just this status quo person. Like I'm just living for the sake of breathing, and that's about it. I have never had a very good self concept. I was doing just fine for a while, but gradually I have given up on this idea of self-love. I wrote the other day, "I hate who I am now, but look forward to becoming worse." I've become so comfortable with this idea of hating everything about myself. I've warped my own mind into this crazy state of depression. I feel like I've given up on everything. So whatever man, "with friends like you, who needs friends. (spit)" That's supposed to be from Rushmore. With the "spit" and all. I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. I know I want to make friends with other people who will lift me up, and challenge me to be a higher person, but I'm so lonely right now all I can do is retreat back to the same individuals that kill me inside. I was talking to a friend tonight about how I can't stand insincere people, but somehow I've managed to surround myself with them. People who only think about themselves, and I would say that is not an exaggeration. I don't mean that about everyone I know, but many. This world of Bowling Green where everyone is looking our for their person and their position in everything. Whatever. I have however found contentment in doing things for people, while at the same time being well aware of the fact that they don't even notice. I say "whatever" to that as well. I can see where there has been progression in my life, but I also see that I hate myself, which is not a good thing... at all. No sir, not-at-all. Hopefully I can cut the ties, which I don't want to because I love some of these people, but you can only withstand so much, I suppose. I think when a friendship gets to the point where every time you part from the company of a friend, and start bawling, it's time to end whatever messed up kind of a relationship you have with them. Part of me is writing this and thinking of how true it is, and the other half is saying, "Yeah, right Megan, we'll see how long this will last..." Who knows. I sure don't. I just know that I'm sad all the time. And I have become very set in this depression. This individual is making me hate myself everyday. And even if it's unintentional, the drama they create is leading up to all this. Tearing me up inside every moment I think about them or see them. What is most upsetting is the fact that there are many things in this world that make me think of that person. So many things that I love. F.uck me for ever loving them.

"I'm richer than Calvin Coolidge... PUT TOGETHER!"
It goes something like that. I can't remember, I just laughed a lot. I'm immensely sad. Sad, sad, sad! Is that all I'll ever be?!?! I keep trying to stop thinking what I think, but it's really hard. I don't really have anything to say right now. I just want people to like me. And maybe they do, but I suppose before I can recognize that they like me, I'll have to like myself, which I do not. At all. On another note, tomfooleries is a really good word. One of the best in my opinion. I really long for friends, of the constant variety. I feel like I've looked everywhere, and still haven't been able to connect with anyone. I'm trying to go back to church, but haven't as of yet. Maybe I'll find friends there. Maybe not. I just feel like such a silly kid, because I don't fit in anywhere. And I keep trying to befriend people, but it never materializes. I'm only talking about this here. I really don't like to dump my moans and groans on people, so I'll do this here, and think in my conscious brain that no one will read it, and in my subconscious brain recognize that people will. Anyway, I give up. What was I saying? I don't know, I just want to be supported. I want to know there are people who have my back. I feel like I give a lot. And don't get. Either way. I watched The Man Who Wasn't There a few days ago, and I never got to see he ending. Eric Barton and I are going to be having movie nights on Saturdays, which is exciting. I'm really frustrated. I feel like I'm being narcissistic, but that's what this is for I think. Yes. I think so. On that note, a song:

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's okay
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what did I say
Well you just laughed it off it was all okay

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on anyway

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight of hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't you worry we'll all float on alright
already we'll all float on alright
Don't worry we'll all float on

(Alright already)
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright
Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on okay
Don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on (alright)
Don't you worry we'll all float on (alright)
All float on

What I hate most about this town is the constant retelling of stories. I do it, I know. But I'm trying not to/stopping. I think I've heard at least fifty times this week that some kid hung himself. Actually he lived down the street from me, and I drove by when all the firetrucks and ambulances were there. The whole ordeal just generally makes me angry. How selfish. But the thing that bothers me the most is that after his mom found his body, she went to the coach that had sent him home for dipping, and told this coach that he had killed her son. Now, I know if that were to happen to me, I would certainly freak, however, how could you tell an individual that they were the means that killed someone. Honestly, the kid signed a contract agreeing he would refrain from using any tobacco products. The other weird thing is, that before this kid went to practice, he asked the girl's baseball, or softball rather, team if they could tell he had chew in his mouth. They said yes, he said good. I just don't think this is a case where people can say, "Oh, if only he hadn't been sent home from baseball practice." or "If only people would have noticed his plight." I think this kid wanted to die, and he wanted to be noticed. It's one of those deals where you say to yourself, "I'm going to kill myself, then everyone will notice." But your dead anyway, so you don't get to witness the drama and revenge. Whatever, I'm upset and sorry he died, but what a selfish a.sshole. Seriously. It infuriates me. But what I have learned from all this is that the body is a vessel. It is a temporary thing. The kid that killed himself, his vessel is useless, he no longer resides in it. I almost went to look at him during his wake. Just to see the body of a stranger, who meant nothing to me. That sounds creepy. But when the deceased is someone you don't have that emotional bond to, it's easy to identify that it's just a body, and no one is using it anymore. Weird weirdness.
On a lighter topic, someone told me the other day that I act very dignified. I took it as a compliment. I suppose I do have a certain aura about me that could be seen as that. Not conceded however. I'd like to be seen as a humble, dignified person. That would be nice.

I hate feeling like I all alone with my crazy ideas. Lately, the age gap between Lauren and I has been rather evident, which is less than fun. Silly petty arguments. And no one is taking initiative on this film project except me. I'm really trying, because this is what I want to do. I want to do this starting now. I'm growing tired of this town at an accelerated pace. You know, accelerating is either speeding up, slowing down or changing directions. Not just getting faster. Whoever decided to call the gas peddle the "accelerator" wasn't thinking. I still haven't found the time to see The Ladykillers. I haven't heard anything good, but I really want to see it for myself. Lauren and I are going to see it all dolled up. With dresses and fur coats and white gloves. Yes, it will be marvelous. Fabulous even. Here is my song for right now. Associating with my life quite well. Thank you Beck.

Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

ThereÂ’s a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

Things are getting bad with my brother. He's doing a lot of stupid shit in order to fit in to popular society. He thinks that the rents don't have a clue, which to me, after going through all that is hilarious. But I'm conflicted. I want him to be happy and free, but the decisions he's making are stupid. Really stupid. And the people he's associating himself with are bad, hippy-wanna-be, stupid people. I told my mom tonight, that if this continues, something bad will happen. I guess this has also inspired me to get my life together. Stop making my own stupid decisions. Lauren and I are going on vacation in a while though, after school let's out. It will be refreshing.

I'm neglecting my job right now. I've been working at Pizo's since 4pm, until 12:45 am, and then here, in the holy of holies, since 1:3am. I really haven't done too incredibly much. I'm sort of excited. My friend Clark and I were discussing moving to Europe today, which I'm completely for. I'd like to study over there. See some shit. Wander and be away from here. And it'll be nice going with someone I know. This other guy Andy, is planning on going as well. He's extremely cool as well. One of the coolest guys I've ever met. He's just simple and nice, and hasn't ever said anything bad about anyone, which you would think too much about, but think about all the people you know that do that, and how much you do it. I know I do it. I enjoy his lack of drama. Anyway, I hope I'm not coming off like I have a crush on him. I don't, he's just plain cool. Anyhow, this post seems stupid. Yeah, so I think I may be going to Europe in the next year or so. Travel and then go to school. Clark said he might even go to school there, which would be good for him. I hate being at this school late at night. It's unnerving. Well, that's all.

I haven't been doing a very good job of controlling what I say lately. I feel like I keep trying to get attention, which I suppose I am. I keep insulting myself in front of people, something I haven't done for quite some time, but I'm starting the trend again. Let's hope that I can get over this and just be who I am, and be pleased and content with that. It seems like everyone else does this so smoothly, as though I am the only one who has complications with my self image. I don't know. Everyone is probably just as messed up in the head as I am, I just have to realize that and not feel like such a shit head for being who I am. And by "being who I am" I don't me "this is me so deal with it." I do intend to change myself over time, I just need to accept the fact that I am not perfect, never shall become perfect, and I should be happy with what I have been given. That's all I have to say right now.

I'm pretty depressed. I'm pretty depressed a lot. I feel like there is no resolution for so many things in my life. Like, issues of importance just fizzle out, and I try to forget about them. Which I cannot. SO I just stick them under paperwork and behind the dressers in my brain. I am working, sort of, right now. Cleaning. Shit job that pays well. At least I get to be alone. Anyhow, I think I'm going to go on hiatus. For a while, or forever, I can't tell. I want so badly to socialize. Sometimes I feel like it keeps me going. It helps me do all that forgetting that I love to do so much. I just feel so alone. I've felt this way forever. No one can connect with me. I don't even have Lauren really. We are in such different places right now. She's there. I'm here. Something something... I feel like I need to heal. But I can't yet because there's no resolution. I've been sobbing a lot lately. A good sob is fine every once in a while. But not all the time. My mom's birthday is tomorrow, and there's going to be a nice little party for her on Friday. I do love my family. They are sort of a haven. A place to hide. Things are just so fucked up in my head right now. I just keep getting these surges of anger and sadness, which ends up being tears. I just want to scream and somehow be cathartic. I just want to escape from whatever the fuck this is that's drilling into my brain. Sometimes the only thing that soothes me is falling asleep and thinking about ways to kill myself. But that hasn't been working too well lately either. I just hate everything about me. Every aspect of myself makes me cringe and wonder why anyone gives me the time of day. I suppose this all could easily be excused as a case of teen angst. I guess. Whatever.

"Look at that ole grizzly bear..."
So yeah, things. Well, I have developed a cold sore, which blows a lot. Also, I have yet to clean the Church, and it's 9:45pm. Suck. Anyway, the moral of the story is that I'd like to reach a pleasant medium between sadness and joyfulness. I don't like mood swings. Not one bit. I keep waking up content, and gradually falling downhill as the day progresses. Sometimes however, small things rejuvenate me, such as baths, and naps. My brothers got in a fight today, and I tried to break it up. First, I threw a container of Paprika at them, then I wrassled them apart. It was painful. They are big. Gotta go clean.

Well. Let's see here. I told my roommate that I couldn't live with her, and that went okay. I wasn't feeling very peaceful there anyway. I've been feeling emotionally better too. Maybe it's the Suma, not with an "o"; it's the vitamin I'm taking to alleviate me depression. All last week I just gradually became more and more depressed as the day went on. I was so depressed that I wasn't sad anymore. It was weird. It made me feel like such melodramatic looser. Like I have all these problems and shit that I want to puke all over everyone. I just hate it when people know how I feel in the head. It makes me vulnerable. Well, I'm gonna go now. I don't have enough time to talk, so why begin.

So ya. I've been really busy moving into this apartment, and was really excited until I realized that I couldn't take a shower there and don't have a door to my room, and I thought the renovation were pretty much done, until this morning when I was rudely awakened by my landlord who wanted to paint the kitchen. Suck. Also I went to Pittsburgh. So I've been gone. I'm really depressed lately. I think I may be bi-polar. Because of my crazy mood swings, but it might just be the birth control, too. I hope that I keep posting, but I have a tendency to fall in and out of that trend, so we will see.

The transition into this warmth has been very weird. I'm very pleased, but still feel like I'm lacking something. Honesty, maybe? I want to know what people are thinking. All the time. What they feel like or essentially "are feeling," thinking, whatever. I don't know why. I just do. Just what's on their minds. I want to listen, and lately I feel as though I don't have anything to listen to, with exception of cars to footsteps of people walking by. I learned last night not to dabble with the past. I just read so many things that I wrote in high school. It was ridiculous and depressing. And as I often do at night, I felt very futile and aged. Every second I'm creating a memory of sorts, and I neglect it, to look into the future or back into the past. Smells do this a lot. I put on "Burt's Bees Lip Balm" today, and had a million images from the past passed through my mind's eye. It was bittersweet, you know? Sad, but refreshing. Well, I have a test to take. Maybe I'll write later, I've been busy moving myself, and being lazy and not lazy. "We both love to talk... and not talk... ...We could talk or not talk forever... Mmhm." By the way. Note to self, say "e-gad" more. I used to say it, or at least write it. I guess I forgot...

Well, well. I don't have too much to say this evening. I only had to work for three hours today. It was great. The reason being because I had dinner with a friend who's in town. She lives in Tibet, and is visiting for a while. Probably one of the most magnificent people I know. Still not moved in. But that's okay with me. It'd be nice, though. Last night was very refreshing. I had a very pleasent evening with some people I have never hung out with, and I enjoyed their company tremendously. Much laughter was had by all. It's nice to meet people who can talk about the same things that I do, and have the same passions as well. It was just a good night had, after a shitty day. Not because anything extremely bad happened, but I'm kicking birth control, and my hormones are going crazy, and not in a good way. Realizing that you aren't at all yourself because of a substance, and not being able to do anything about it is terrible. Believe me. School is coming along quite well. I seem to be becoming more responsible by the day. I'm going to class and doing my work now. That's a plus. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, however. Class at 10am, leave early to go to work at 11:45, but I'm working front, so hopefully I'll make a few extra bucks, which I'll promptly spend on cigs. Off work at 1:30pm, yeah, we close at 1:30, to re-open at 4pm... Work at 4, until 10, and then go babysit, which is fine. I don't mind at all because the kid will be asleep by then anyway. The strange problem is that I don't want to be payed, so I'm going to have to think of something tricky to say. I think I know what I'll say, though, so I'm sure it won't be too hard. Then the party begins at around 1:30 or so. Not really, I'll probably just walk around and smoke and think. I'm pretty good at those things. Probably better at smoking than walking. Ha. Okay, bed now. Oh wait, I came up with a conclusion that seems good. It pertains to hanging out with people I don't really know. I concluded that this is the best way to go about things. Not getting too connected to anyone. Maintaining friendships but avoid bonding. That's my rule. I don't know about rule, but it seems like a safe idea. That way things won't ever get messy or weird. There won't be any drama or shit to deal with. Not because I just don't give a fuck, but because those things won't come up if I am always mixing up who I hang out with. That's the ideal anyway, what I hope for. Because last night was just a good time, and nothing sucked about it. I didn't even really know these people except from brief interludes and such. Jokes and laughter, that was it, and it was beautiful. Because I think, when you become too close or connected or whatever, things get intimate and ew. That's all I have to say about that. It's hard to get sick of people you rarely chill with. Even though I'd like to get to know some a little better, I'll still maintain my distance. Maybe it'll work. or maybe this is just adolecent Megan coming up with dumb ideas. But I'm sure eventually she'll figure it out. Until next time...

That sounds stupid. Let's see... I think I had it right with "Okay, bed now."

Man, I really think there is something that music does to your brain. Right now I'm listening to TOOL cover No Quarter (for the record, I like both versions for differing reasons) and I'm in some kind of crazy music trance. Anyway, today seems like a huge waste, now that I reflect on all that I've done. Today was one of those days where you remember that a few months ago you thought you were on the verge of some transformation or just a simple change or something, then realize that nothing has happened yet. Locked in a place where no one goes. I can't write at the moment. Sorry.

SOME say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I?ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice

Robert Frost. I like this poem a lot. I'm feeling pretty shabby. It bothers me that whenever I come here, to write out my mind, it's always about how I feel this or that. It would be nice to simply write something profound, that has completely nothing to do with me and my so called "feelings." But it just so happens that I am always in some mood, and think/feel that if I was not to write it down, something would be lost to my ever changing mind. In that I mean I wouldn't be learning from myself and progressing as an individual. Sometimes I think that if I were to write out whatever it is that I'm thinking/feeling, it might help me sort out my thoughts and come up with some conclusion. I'm just feeling horribly horrible right now, and should probably just go to bed and distance myself from any sort of introspective thoughts. But sometimes I just can't resist a good write. The two prominent muscles running up the back of my neck are very tense right now. I've been so restless since about 5pm tonight. I haven't been able to be at peace on my day of rest. Seems like a waste. Hm. I bet that every individual feels like the center of the universe. Not that it can be helped, all you have is your own mind. You sort of have to feel that way. I wish I didn't. I hate that I can only think of my thoughts and opinions. Does that make sense. I don't think so. See, I don't think that makes sense, but maybe someone else does. ...But I do think it makes sense because I wrote it... Anyway, the moral of the story is that I had this dream last night, and I'm just remembering it now. It took place in this large room, almost like a warehouse. I was in there, rummaging around through all these thousands of boxes. They were boxes belonging to thousands of people. I knew some of the people the boxes belonged to. One box was my brother Blake's. And for some reason he was off at war, and I didn't know if he was dead or not, so I started sobbing because I was terrified that he was dead. I believe it turned out that he wasn't, but by the time I figured that out I was to preoccupied with being chased by this bear. I was in this house trying to barricade myself in; sticking refrigerators in front of doors and such. It was very strange. I'm just thinking about that room with all the boxes in it. It was all dirty and old. I was just looking through all this stuff. My dreams are very emotional. That particular dream was extremely terrifying. With bears and brothers dying and such. Weird. I am still having dreams where I cut all my hair off, too. It usually all happens in different ways, once I was electrocuted and my hair started falling out, so I just shaved my head, and another time I was in Pittsburgh and just started chopping my hair off with these blunt scissors. Sometimes I'm euphoric that I cut it off, and other times I just start crying. I feel very alone right now. All night I've felt like I should spend time alone, but I've desperately wanted to be talking to people. I'm so bizarre. I wish I could just figure it out. Or not care. I was reading this article tonight about committing suicide, which to editorialize, said that everyone should contemplate suicide to know what it feels like and to understand why people feel that way. Suicide is a tricky thing. When I've been at a peaceful place in life, and have taken the chance to look back on my younger days when I was suicidal and masochistic, I think about how silly that was, how it didn't make much sense them or now, and how I'd never go back there again because life is beautiful now, I often forget that depression is an addictive crutch. That when you want to die, it isn't simply because things suck, it's because of this horrible realization that life is pretty much futile. And people have told me that if they were thinking about killing themselves, they would just leave where they were and start over in some new place. I thought that for a while too, but that isn't the point either, when you have that horrible realization, a change of scenery isn't the answer. Getting it over with is the answer. I know this all sounds really futuristic, but I get this way at night when I'm all by myself, so bear with me. The fact is that you get trapped, and when things don't pick up, it gets hopeless and just seems like a giant waste of time, your time and everyone elses?, so you end it. This is weird. I read too many essays tonight. I feel like I'm stating to write one. The moral of the story kids, is that when you aren't living for anything and nothing is living for you, except yourself, you feel like it's just time to check out. Gotta go. Thanks. The other moral of the story is that being, or feeling alone, sucks. So once again, I wish I was a housecoat, and wasn't going to a school I hate, and had a decent job, and didn't live in ohio, and was beautiful, and had people who understood me. Maybe I just create this scenario in my own mind. And maybe I'm just having a pity party here. Yeah, well, no one's invited, so take your grab bags and get the fuck out. Because it's my fuckin' turn to blow my fuckin' horn and tell the world that I hate it and the majority of it's inhabitants. Especially the one's who talk about them goddamn selves' all the time. And no, that doesn't include me because I'm am on a computer writing to myself, not blabbing my life story to you in person. You chose to read this!!! This blog is not called "Read This Because I Said You Have To, Or Else!!!" And even if it was you still wouldn't have to read it. Anyway. That sentence took so long to write, what with the italicized words and all that I forgot what I was saying... Yes, so I don't know what I was talking about, let me reread... Oh, well I think I've said all I need to about that for now. Except the thing about the people who talk about themselves all the time! Man, oh, man, I know that all you really have to talk about is in fact yourself, BUT that doesn't mean that you can't stop for one fucking second and ask a bloody question or nod your fucking head. Augh! Okay done. But Jimi has a few words to say first:

Manic Depression's touching my soul,
I know what I want,
but I just don't know how to go about getting it.

Feeling, sweet feeling
drops from my finger, fingers
Manic Depression's captured my soul.

Woman so willing the sweet cause in vain,
you make love,
you break love,
it's-a all the same when it's...
when it's over.

Music sweet music,
I wish I could caress, caress, caress.
Manic Depression's a frustrating mess.
Well, I think I'll go turn myself off an' go on down.

Really ain't no use me hanging around.
Oh, I gotta see you.

Today was pretty bad. I'm going to sort of vent now, because I refrain from venting to anyone in person. I have gotten about five hours of sleep in the past 72 hours, and man does that suck. I could never be an insomniac, not full fledged anyway, because I love sleep. It is my haven of sorts. But I haven't had too much sleep as of late, and that makes me a bit cranky. I stayed up last night writting a paper, after having to close at work by myself. Woke up to go to class. Was very late, but I said to myself, "Self, you gotta go to class, it's imperative that you be responsible and don't skip." So I went, and all we did was sit in a pland, grayish room, and listen to this lady tell us how to use a computer. I tried not to sleep, but I couldn't resist. I also tried to make it look like I was in fact paying attention, by sitting up, and cocking my head to one side, so as to look like I was pondering or something, but still managed to fall asleep. I have this genetic tendency to fall asleep in any postion at any time or place, no matter how uncomfortable. Anyhow, somehow I woke up as my prof told us to "give her a hand," and did so. Drove home. Drank chocolate milk. Bad idea, having become lactose intolerant and all. But I couldn't resist the silky smooth taste. Started moving in right away. Did that until I had to work. My friend convinved me to close again. I figured I needed the money anyhow, and closing with this friend wouldn't be so bad because we laugh a lot. Turns out that a few hours later he convinced someone else to close for him, and I was stuck closing with incompitent people. Nice. Go to Grounds on break to hear other people problems. Around 11pm this Christian college group called "cru" With an umlat over the "u," comes in and there are like 40 of them. I do the best I can to help the front girl. We do just fine. The "cru" group is really nice to us. And leave us a $12 tip. Thanks. Oh so much. I decided that I'm just going to tell them that they didn't show much of God's love, and I'm going to tell all my athiest friend that Christians are stingy bastards, and that they should never go to church. That'll hit um where it hurts. Anyhow, work ends around 12:30. I find that I've locked my keys in my car. Walking home to get my other set. Walk past Howards. Hip-hop show I wanted to see. I go in. It was awesome. It really compensated for everything that went wrong today. Friends and fun. And I love seeing people love music. It really makes me a happy person. Because music is what I live for. And I've come to the conclusion that, with the acception of a few genres, I don't mind what music it is, as long as people feel it. Now there are some, such as Brittny Spears or any pop crap that don't count in that conclusion, for, in my mind, obvious reasons. I just like to see people who love music as much as I do. Anyhow, I'm really tired, and having a hard time typing and am misspelling a lot of things, and I don't really care to fix it right now. I'm a bad speller, and I know it. I was always the first one out in the Spelling B's. That reminds me, I need to purchase that Spelling B documentary. It's hilarious. Yes, so signing off...