1:46 am.

Tomorrow is a...Wednesday. Hump day. I hate to be sexual about that day, but it always bothered me that it was refered to as "Hump Day". Oh, I got my shirt with the viking kitten on it! It was really exciting until I tried it on and well, let's just say it was less than flattering. Also, today when I was talking with my dad he said, "Just how much weight have you put on?" Wow, I about cried. Lately, I haven't been thinking about myself all that much, although I am aware of my thigh status. I hate to "fret for my figure", but sometimes I just can't help it (like most brainwashed Americans). Nonetheless, I am getting a sports pass tomorrow, so I can go swimming everyday, and hopfully get healthy. That is what I worry most about. Not so much being thin, but being healthy. Well, I do like being thin, I'm not going to straight out lie, but when I am unhealthy, things fall apart. Like me, for instance, and do I ever.

Now that I have nothing to do things are weird. I have no job, no school for the meantime, and no exact life. It's been making me think a lot, mostly about what I want to be doing right now, which is school, oddly enough. I'd like to be working towards some goal, instead of watching "The Osbornes" all the time (which is quite the guilty pleasure of mine). Right now I'm just doing load after load of laundry. And it seems to be suiting me just fine. I think I'm doing it because my dad said I was fat, and now I have to be productive.

1:58 am.

9:50 pm.

Tomorrow is a Thursday. I've heard that Thursday is supposed to be the most relaxed day of the week for anyone. I guess it may be because it's the day before Friday, and Friday means the weekend. I don't really believe it. I have had many a stressed out Thursday. Anyhow, I just bought this shirt. It's hilarious, to me anyway. It has this white kitten on it, and this kitten is wearing a Viking mask and holding two Viking axes, while saying, "We are your Overlords!" It's a quote from the song "Immigrant Song," by Led Zeppelin. It makes me laugh, and I like things that make me laugh, so I bought it. I have quite a weird sense of what it funny and what isn't. Maybe it's my age, I don't know. I'm glad I'm surrounding myself with things that will make me laugh. I do that a lot when I am depressed about life. I suppose it gives me a little hope when things start to get shitty.

I think I am going to get my Doctorate in English. I don't know why, I just want to. I also think I will be attending school for my entire life. But after I graduate, I am going to travel, and glean. I'm saving up for my sitar, and my tabla. I'll probably have to travel quite a bit to be schooled about those. I am truly excited about them, however. I think about having a sitar a lot. Maybe I could just write Ravi Shankar, and tell him I want lessons. I'm sure he'd do it...

10:04 pm.

12:35 am.

Tomorrow is a Sunday. Sometimes I think of how smart I used to think I was about most things. How I felt oppressed by my parents, and thought they were so petty and restricting. I don't really feel that way anymore. That's a relief. And I can't hardly imagine what made me that way. Although I regret it, I miss it. There is this pleasantly awkward emotion that comes with the contemplation of those times. It reminds me of smoke. Life was so painful then, but that strange emotion that I get when I think of those times makes me want to go back there. I want to steal my first cigarette from my dad, I want to smoke weed for the first time, and listen to Lateralus for the first time, and talk to Josh for the first time again. Although I have my moments, I feel too comfortable in life. I feel like I have explored all that is thrilling and good and just generally fun. I haven't forgot to dream, but it seems like I have used up all the exciting rights of passage that came with high school. It makes me sad. Life seems so empty and monotonous now. Then I think of those painfully wonderful times I had, and I feel sorry that I didn't enjoy them more. I suppose there is a way out of this vicious cycle. I should love every moment, period. If I concentrate too hard on then, then I won't remember to love now. And the cycle will continue yet again. That will be my resolution. Let's hope it doesn't fade.

12:45 am.

11:50 pm.

Tomorrow is a Friday. Still. Lately, I have been thinking about how I always look for instant gratification. And I always, in these circumstances, get what I want. But at the same time, I don't get what I want at all. I hinder myself from being wholly gratified in the future. By getting what I want during a simple moment, I loose something more fulfilling that would have happen in the future. This is killing me. I feel like I have no control over myself. There are things that I don't want to do, but at the moment they are presented to me, I crumble. I feel helpless. I feel like I completely lack will-power. And I hate that. I hate not having control over myself, because that is the one thing that I would think I could have control over. I loose my peace and my serenity because of this. And I feel so weak. On some occasions, I am stronger than I was the day before, but the ensuing event is always me falling apart and feeling more vulnerable and supine than ever before. I feel especially helpless now. It seems the only things I want, I can't have. So I compensate on a daily basis, filling up with things that pacify me for one more day. I feel very melodramatic right now. I am not being narcissistic. My feelings are overemphasized due to the fact that I have never felt this out of control about myself. But I want to stop physically destroying my body. I want to be healthy again. I want to be clean. That philospphy reminds me of these lyrics that I will exit with tonight: "I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice...when I'm not around. You're so fucking special. I wish I was special...but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."

12:11 am.

1:55 am.

Tomorrow is a Friday. Once again, I still think of tomorrow as Thursday, but it happens to already be Thursday. I was reading this book today, the passage talked about how it is impossible to escape your culture. It refers to it as a trap, and the when you realize that you are in this trap you try to escape, but the effort put for is futile, and therefore makes the situation worse. It spoke of how we are all the product of your environment, and because of this we have no control over our thoughts and actions and beliefs. We are a product. Like a newspaper. Effort put forth by many people makes us who we are, so we essencially aren't original. There is no "you" in "you". It is all inheritance. I thought it was interesting. However, I do think that we have control over ourselves, but we are influenced. It's just a matter of whether or not you choose to be influenced. At any rate, it was a good book. If you were curious, it's called Invisible Monsters, and it is by Chuck Palahnuik, the author of the novel Fight Club. Anyhow, I'm not feeling too well. I am going to take a bath and go to bed.

2:01 am.

12:17 am.

Tomorrow is a Thursday. As in twenty-four hours from now. It still seems like it's Tuesday. When, in actuality, it isn't. I just finished watching "The Sunday Night Sex Show", which is a great show. Now some show with Oprah is on, and it is horrible. Not because they are bad people, but because they are talking about dinner parties, and how not enough women have dinner parties these days. They are exchanging recipes and taking and giving advice about the consistency of mashed potatoes. It's making me sad. I don't think life should revolve around things like that. However, it does for some. This is about the third thing that I have encountered over the past fifteen minutes that makes me confused. First of all, I recieved this e-mail about how Bill Gates was going to send me $400 for every time I forwarded this message to my friends, and it was no joke!!! After that I read something about Area 51 on the tool website. This frusterated me. I don't like to think about things that I am unsure about, but those situations and confrontations are inevitable. Following this was Oprah. I am disappointed. Very disappointed. I have to make it a point to not get sucked into some monotonous life. A life where all I think about is the next potluck I have to go to, or what shower curtain will go best with my toilet cover, or which type of sweater compliments my earlobes. I am tired. Time for bed.

12:28 am.

11:55 pm.

Tomorrow is a Tuesday. It's nice to finally feel somewhat in control of my life. Everything is a little more peaceful and serene. At the same time, however, my life is being shaken up. I keep thinking, "It's time." And it is. It is time. Time for change. And the change is finally a good thing. But sometimes, I feel that the changes that occur in my life are selfish changes. And they aren't productive or good, just consuming of what I want or feel I need. I think that right now in life I am selfish, and that's okay for a time. What I mean by selfish is that I am looking towards my own self-interest right now. Or you could say I am self-seeking. I don't mean egocentric or ungenerous. But change is good, and so is being a little selfish right now. I have a lot ahead of me. And I hope that I figure it all out. I suppose my main goal for the time being is to do what I want to in terms of what I am dreaming right now. Because to me dreaming is very important, and I cannot forget about dreaming now, or ever. I cannot forget to dream and act upon those dreams. Because what would I be living for then?

12:10 am.