Wow. I have been consistently happy for a few days now. It's crazy awesome. When I have those moments where I recognize my contentment, I always feel like I'm momentarily going to die. For instance, a good example of this would be in Donny Darko, when, in the end, sorry to give this away for those who haven't seen it, but if you haven't, what the hell is wrong with you, anyway, so he's going to bed, and laughing, and then that jet engine falls on him. That's how I feel. When I'm driving and realize how happy I am, I feel like I'm about to get T-boned or my engine will explode. Or something along the lines of that, which would inevitably kill me. Anyway. I went to Pittsburgh for a day a few days ago. It's was crazy and wonderful and spontaneous. Made me happy. wow. continue.

"But I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I know there is this side of me that wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just fly the whole mess into the sea."

"I'm a little bit lonely these days."

Something along the lines of that. Well, that line describes me at the moment, and usually. I've found that you can be surrounded by people, and still feel painfully alone. However, I have been very inspired lately. This sense of "doing" has overwhelmed me. I may still have insecurities, but they won't stop me from simply doing. This idea began last night when discussing with my friends who have graduated from college what they are going to do with their lives. Not so much discussing what they are going to do, so much as them recognizing that they don't have a clue as to what they want to do. We discussed society's standards of success and what you need to be a "qualified" individual, and how both of these concepts are ridiculous. I was talking to my friend Jason, a marvelous person, who pointed out that in our society, if something isn't seen it doesn't exist. For instance, a "rock band" or a famous artist, someone who has been recognized by the masses will be seen as successful, and the people like me who might make a painting that makes me smile and maybe some of my friends won't be recognized. I don't know if this is making sense, it's a lot more difficult to write as opposed to verbalize. Anyway, so the idea of success has been skewed. And people strive to find something big and prestigious to do instead of pursuing their loves and dreams. It's messed up. Hobbies is a different story. But what it all boils down to is a sense of fulfillment, and people need to learn to do what comes naturally to them. But I think a lot of people don't recognize those things because they come so naturally. Like quilting or cooking or writing, and are constantly in pursuit of things that are bigger, when in reality it shouldn't be because it's right there in front of them. Those things can be expanded upon as well. Maybe people are just looking too hard. Not to mention people find it hard to be themselves and use there own brilliance. Like if you were to listen to Radiohead and think, "Wow, they sure do rock my socks. I could never be like them. They're too good." But that isn't even the point, because why would you want to be like them. Influenced maybe, inspired, yes. But when YOU do what comes naturally to YOU, and use your own creativity and individualism you would see that you are brilliant. Once again, I'm not sure if any of this is connecting together correctly, but whatever. So yes, the moral of the story is that because of this realization I have decided to do what comes naturally to me, and expand upon that. I have several projects lined up: A film project with some friends. We bought a camera and are going to start a "film society," because I like the word "society." I'm also doing a photography project with Blanche, because I just acquired some photo paper, which is really expensive, but I got it for free. I'm contemplating a music gig with Eric, which will include jazz and red dresses. And some friends and I are starting up a Bible study for "alternative Christians." I'm sure that'll be misinterpreted, but whatever. Which reminds me, I hate those posters or signs that say, "Don't forget... I have everything under control. Love, God (Your Father)" How strange. I just think they're cheesy. I feel I must do. But I am feeling very lonely, and deprived of fellowship. I went to church on Sunday with my mom, and it always makes me feel very strange. I just feel looked down upon or shunned or hated. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. It's just weird because I used to be so involved with the church, the I denounced it, and now I'm coming back around, and there is awkwardness. But on a final note I will say this: Today through some strange chain of associations, I had this memory pop into my head, and I had this horrifying realization in reference to that memory, in other words I figured something out, and now I feel like a giant asshole. I literally felt my face turn red as I realized something I had ignorantly said so someone years ago. What a moron I am.

I still haven't gotten my drawers back. Or begun reading The Secret of the Old Mill. But I did just eat a Boca Burger and it was exquisite. Last night involved much dancing and a bit of ridiculous razamatchazah. Drinking is funny to me. My friend once asked me why drinking was such a fuss, because he didn't get it. I told him that it was just a few hours in which people go crazy and have fun, then proceed to get sick or depressed or embarrassed. I usually just get depressed, even if I kept to myself through the phases of drunk. I don't know where I'm going with this, maybe I'm just thinking about weddings, because I went to one last night. Yes, weddings. They are certainly strange things, weddings are. I don't get them. They're sort of creepy. I don't know. I'm pretty tired. I think I'm going to take off my blue pantyhose and sleep for a stint. I certainly refer to myself quite a bit in this "online journal." Then watch American Splendor, which I'm really excited about. I think it's going to be good, but here's to hoping. Whatever that means...

I just realized that I forgot my underwear at my friends house. I was babysitting, and my underwear was digging into my ass cheeks, so Lauren convinced me to take it off. I put it in the stroller, and it's really skimpy underwear, which is unusual for me. I would probably be embarrassed if I wasn't so tired. I think my brain is trying to make me embarrassed, but oh well. I just hope it isn't gross. MAN! What a fool I am. So I bought a Hardy Boys book. I saw it at Grounds, and thought, "I simply MUST have that." It's called The Secret of the Old Mill. How great is that? I'm feeling a bit better. I have resolved to simply not think about myself at all, because there's nothing I can do to change anything, as far as looks are concerned. Yeah, I suppose I could wear make-up or nice clothes and look all priss-prass, but that's just not my style, and I wouldn't be comfortable at all. I think I know who I'm supposed to marry. Which is cool, and foolish and weird because now I don't want to date anyone because I feel so "set aside." I'm sure the worldly influences in my mind will sooner or later void me of that singularity notion. Oh well. I don't plan on tying the proverbial "knot" anytime soon though. And by no time soon I mean not for years. I had this great conversation tonight with a guy I know after we watched The Never-Ending Story. We just chatted about how it's infuriating that people forget their dreams. We've learned to accept less. It was a very emotional talk, and meant a lot to me. Lately it's been hard trying to figure out "what I'm supposed to do." It really hasn't been hard, but I've had many people nagging me about figuring my life out A-sap, which I have no desire to do. I don't exactly know what career I might pursue. I'd like to somehow incorporate my writing abilities with my film ideas or photographs. I need to make things. Not be an art director or teacher. I don't know. It's difficult organizing my thoughts in reference to that whole topic of "life career" and what not. I just know what I don't want to do, and this will in turn help me determine what I DO want to do. And that's that. Just one last thought: Whenever I'm attracted to someone, like most people I start thinking about what our relationship would be like if we had one. You know, quick photographic images of the future. But then I just think about them at Thanksgiving dinner with my family and me. Every time. It's weird. I was writing yesterday about how I hope to marry a vegetarian, and we'll have to make a special meal for whoever that might be, and for me too, considering I'm a vegetarian as of this year. And I hope to marry a very peculiar person, so that my uncle John would say, "Megan's husband is very peculiar..." That's a memory I want to have. My hypothesis as to why I'm thinking this way has to do with my maternal clock. It's ticking and agitating the hell out of me. I just don't want to feel like the only person who thinks the way I do anymore. Because I know there are people out there who would laugh at the things that make me laugh. Crazy stuff, that no one else sees. It's strange living a life like this when no one else gets it. Lauren gets it. But I'm straight and so is she, and even if we were lesbians we would probably end up hating each other if we dated. A lot. The moral of the story is, I want someone to see what I see, and I want to see what they see.

"...To see like you're eyes do..."

A song someone wrote for my cold, dark nights. And I've kept it in my heart always.



the sun shines and leaves blow
and my hope, like autumn, is turning brown
and I know it seems like I'm always falling down

but it does not matter to me
although it seems like it should
it's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say
rest in me little david
and dry all your tears
you can lay down your armor
and have no fear
'cause I'm always here
when you're tired of running
and I'm all the strength that you need

it's up hill both ways
tomorrow I swear I won't act this way
I know it seems like that is what I always say

but it does not matter to me
although it seems like it should
it's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say
rest in me little david
and dry all your tears
you can lay down your armor
and have no fear
'cause I'm always here
when you're tired of running
and I'm all the strength that you need

you know I want to be like Jesus
but it seems so very far away
when will I learn to obey

obey.

Oh life, what crazy hijinks will you present me with next. Crazy hijinks. That's what I have to say about life. It's pretty crazy. Actually come to think of it, I would really like for there to be additional daily hijinks. You know, like mysteries to solve, like Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys or Ghost writer. What a silly name for a collection of books. Hardy Boys... who thought THAT one up. Anyway, so there will hopefully be more hijinks, or hullabaloo, or um, razamatchazah. I'll bet you've never heard that one before. Well, joke's on you, that's because I made it up. At this point I would be doing my new favorite laugh, which involves me with a crazy old man face, laughing slowly and "hardily" (ah-ha-ha...) from the gut, and shrugging my shoulders on each exhale. It's pretty entertaining. I like to do it, but no one ever thinks it's funny, except me, but that's usually how it goes. No one is ever amused by what amuses me. I'll show you sometime. Maybe you'll think it's funny. That's right, you. Yeah, so Lauren and I have decided to incorporate crazy things into everyday interactions with people. Yes, I know what you're all thinking, "But you guys already DO incorporate crazy things into everyday interactions!!! You crazies!" Well, you're right again, but this time it's going to be even better. Lauren and I have this game we play where we smile extremely enthusiastically at people, with big teeth, all creep like, and see if they smile back, if they do we get a point. If they don't smile and look frightened we get two points. It's the best game ever. Well, now we are going to see who can say the strangest, most pointless, and off-handed thing in a conversation. It doesn't sound as great as the smile game, and maybe it isn't, but it is. Also, there will be much more dancing on the sidewalks. Just dancing. For people we don't know. It's amazing. Maybe we'll get money. I don't know. But I DO know that I am not a normal person, and have been painfully depressed lately, and now that I have all these crazy things to do, things might pick up a bit. And maybe I won't drink myself to sleep anymore. Game on.

I just wrote a really long and interesting blog, but it's all gone now for some reason... I don't know why, the computer just decided to stop working. I'm really f.ucking pissed, but I'll get over it... 10... 9... 8... cooling, cooling. Done. Anyway, to editorialize, I saw Harry Potter. It was awesome. I'm tired. I hung out with Josh today and it was strange and bitter sweet. I can't remember anything else. I'll write a poem.

I want to give you everything beautiful in the world.
Everything you'll love.
Everything tasteful and charming.
In return I ask only
For every smile you make
To be for me
And that they always remain brilliant.

Forgot my song for the day. Thank you Radiohead...


I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change.

Kill me Sarah,
kill me again with love,
it's gonna be a glorious day.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

The head of state has called for me by name
but I don't have time for him.
It's gonna be a glorious day!
I feel my luck could change.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.
We are standing on the edge.

Yeowza. That's the word summing up everything I'm feeling right now. ...Wait, now it's "jojoba." Because I like that word, and just read it off of a bottle of hand lotion. Just say it in your head a few times, and you'll know how I'm feeling. Now it's "wildcats." "Wildcats...pkeeew... I gotta go." Something like that. For as awesome as Owen Wilson is, he sure is in some shitty movies. Anyhow, things are still crazy, but I'm feeling more peaceful now. A few nights ago a friend of mine was having a really hard time with her portion in life at the moment and was discussing it with my friend Heidi and me. All of the sudden the cops pull up to her house and say that someone called in reporting a loud party over there. The caller was undoubtedly her soon-to-be ex-husband being a petty asshole and trying to make her life miserable, even though he isn't supporting their child at all, and continues to avoid signing the divorce papers and has yet to show up for his court date. This whole cop, prank, high school shit just kind of put her over the edge. It was really bad, just to think that he would do that. I mean, come on, how childish. We had only been chatting quietly and the cop could see that nothing was going on, so he apologized and said he would look into the call and proceeded to leave. It was really crazy, after he left we talked a bit more, and were about to go inside, and I asked her if it was okay if I prayed for her. She said it was cool, and that lots of people had been telling her that lately. I told her that I wanted to pray for her now, right there, and asked Heidi to join. So we prayed for positive energy and lots of stuff, and it was so beautiful. She cried and cried and it felt so good. I don't remember the last time I prayed aloud for someone, in a group setting. Either way, we felt the spirit of the Lord on that situation. I just hope that she sees how much God loves her. And hopefully through this I can see how much He loves me, and maybe start loving myself again. I'm really trying to surround myself with positive energy and spiritual people who will bring me up to a higher place, a place I should be. It's hard. I would like to start going back to church. I really don't like organized religion, but I need good people right now, and I know where to find them I guess. This year has been a success as far as humility goes. I feel so humble and gracious about a lot of things. I hope this enlightenment continues.

Well well well. Summer is here and so am I. Let's see, well, I'm doing pretty well, and I have managed to use the word "well" five times already. I'm at work, but that's okay because soon enough I will not be at work. Perspective. That's what this life calls for, a good dose of perspective. Anyhow, I have made a few changes in my life. A little spring cleaning if you will. Some "rearranging." And all is going well. Loosing some weight, my face is clearing up. I just have to hand in some late papers and I will be set as a jet. I made that one up. I have taken up a job as a "child care supervisor," also known as "baby-sitting," but that just doesn't seem P.C. enough now does it? Anyway, cutest, damn kid ever. And we are going to swim and eat watermelon all summer long, at least on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Anyhow, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I needed some resolution in my life, and with a little help from above, I'm managing just fine now. Happy as a clam. Assuming clams are always happy... which doesn't make any sense to me, because when your hands are all gross and moist you say they're "clammy," and clams get eaten a lot too. Whatever man. I keep thinking crazy things like, "I love who you are, I love who you ain't, you're so Anne Frank," (Outkast) and the name "Jark Mangkar," who is this guy I know, except his name is Mark Jangkar. I don't know how to spell that at all. IT sounds like someone from Star Wars. Anyhow, I'm going to go and clean toilets now! Nothing can get me down! Toilets, do your worst!!!

Well, blogger is new and improved. All I came here to say was that my life is stupid and annoying to me. Tonight I hope to burn a lot of old shit of mine. Poems and shit. Things that don't bring back to mind pleasant times. Yeah, my life is really stupid. The more I think about it. I feel like I'm writing this history book everyday, and it's about my life. I can really chose whether or not it's stupid, based on the decisions I make, and thusfar, it seems like a really stupid life. I think my best bet is to just stop giving such a damn about every stupid thing. On that note Modest Mouse?:

we have one chance.
one chance to get everything right.
we have one chance, one chance,
and if we're lucky we might.
my friends,
my habits,
my family,
they mean so much to me.
i just don't think that it's right.
i've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again
and go off sinking.
i'm just a box in a cage.
i'm just a box of mistakes.
didn't mean to laugh,
didn't know i had.
didn't know the better part of what you said,
cuz in your head you are not home.
didn't get the joke.
didn't mean to poke another,
just to save myself from some something
something or another one.
well walk home.
i'm just a box in a cage.
we have one chance,
one chance to get everything right.
my friends,
my habits,
my family,
they mean so much to me.
i just don't think that it's right.
i've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again
and go off sinking.

I have this friend. This friend that I care about tremendously. And this friend is killing me more and more inside and out everyday. Every freakin day. And I keep going over to his house. I keep hanging out or trying to, and investing my time, and investing my love into this friend. Who makes me hate myself more and more inside and out everyday. It's almost like the more love I give to him, the more I take away from myself. And I don't know why I keep putting stock into this friendship. He has practically taken the love I have for everything else in this world, and made me forget. Why do people choose to have such friends. I can honestly say I do, and I don't know why I do it. I hate myself because of this person. I hate the way I look and talk and laugh. I feel like the ideas that I have aren't good enough anymore, and this I'm just this status quo person. Like I'm just living for the sake of breathing, and that's about it. I have never had a very good self concept. I was doing just fine for a while, but gradually I have given up on this idea of self-love. I wrote the other day, "I hate who I am now, but look forward to becoming worse." I've become so comfortable with this idea of hating everything about myself. I've warped my own mind into this crazy state of depression. I feel like I've given up on everything. So whatever man, "with friends like you, who needs friends. (spit)" That's supposed to be from Rushmore. With the "spit" and all. I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. I know I want to make friends with other people who will lift me up, and challenge me to be a higher person, but I'm so lonely right now all I can do is retreat back to the same individuals that kill me inside. I was talking to a friend tonight about how I can't stand insincere people, but somehow I've managed to surround myself with them. People who only think about themselves, and I would say that is not an exaggeration. I don't mean that about everyone I know, but many. This world of Bowling Green where everyone is looking our for their person and their position in everything. Whatever. I have however found contentment in doing things for people, while at the same time being well aware of the fact that they don't even notice. I say "whatever" to that as well. I can see where there has been progression in my life, but I also see that I hate myself, which is not a good thing... at all. No sir, not-at-all. Hopefully I can cut the ties, which I don't want to because I love some of these people, but you can only withstand so much, I suppose. I think when a friendship gets to the point where every time you part from the company of a friend, and start bawling, it's time to end whatever messed up kind of a relationship you have with them. Part of me is writing this and thinking of how true it is, and the other half is saying, "Yeah, right Megan, we'll see how long this will last..." Who knows. I sure don't. I just know that I'm sad all the time. And I have become very set in this depression. This individual is making me hate myself everyday. And even if it's unintentional, the drama they create is leading up to all this. Tearing me up inside every moment I think about them or see them. What is most upsetting is the fact that there are many things in this world that make me think of that person. So many things that I love. F.uck me for ever loving them.

"I'm richer than Calvin Coolidge... PUT TOGETHER!"
It goes something like that. I can't remember, I just laughed a lot. I'm immensely sad. Sad, sad, sad! Is that all I'll ever be?!?! I keep trying to stop thinking what I think, but it's really hard. I don't really have anything to say right now. I just want people to like me. And maybe they do, but I suppose before I can recognize that they like me, I'll have to like myself, which I do not. At all. On another note, tomfooleries is a really good word. One of the best in my opinion. I really long for friends, of the constant variety. I feel like I've looked everywhere, and still haven't been able to connect with anyone. I'm trying to go back to church, but haven't as of yet. Maybe I'll find friends there. Maybe not. I just feel like such a silly kid, because I don't fit in anywhere. And I keep trying to befriend people, but it never materializes. I'm only talking about this here. I really don't like to dump my moans and groans on people, so I'll do this here, and think in my conscious brain that no one will read it, and in my subconscious brain recognize that people will. Anyway, I give up. What was I saying? I don't know, I just want to be supported. I want to know there are people who have my back. I feel like I give a lot. And don't get. Either way. I watched The Man Who Wasn't There a few days ago, and I never got to see he ending. Eric Barton and I are going to be having movie nights on Saturdays, which is exciting. I'm really frustrated. I feel like I'm being narcissistic, but that's what this is for I think. Yes. I think so. On that note, a song:

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's okay
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what did I say
Well you just laughed it off it was all okay

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on anyway

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight of hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't you worry we'll all float on alright
already we'll all float on alright
Don't worry we'll all float on

(Alright already)
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright
Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on okay
Don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on (alright)
Don't you worry we'll all float on (alright)
All float on

What I hate most about this town is the constant retelling of stories. I do it, I know. But I'm trying not to/stopping. I think I've heard at least fifty times this week that some kid hung himself. Actually he lived down the street from me, and I drove by when all the firetrucks and ambulances were there. The whole ordeal just generally makes me angry. How selfish. But the thing that bothers me the most is that after his mom found his body, she went to the coach that had sent him home for dipping, and told this coach that he had killed her son. Now, I know if that were to happen to me, I would certainly freak, however, how could you tell an individual that they were the means that killed someone. Honestly, the kid signed a contract agreeing he would refrain from using any tobacco products. The other weird thing is, that before this kid went to practice, he asked the girl's baseball, or softball rather, team if they could tell he had chew in his mouth. They said yes, he said good. I just don't think this is a case where people can say, "Oh, if only he hadn't been sent home from baseball practice." or "If only people would have noticed his plight." I think this kid wanted to die, and he wanted to be noticed. It's one of those deals where you say to yourself, "I'm going to kill myself, then everyone will notice." But your dead anyway, so you don't get to witness the drama and revenge. Whatever, I'm upset and sorry he died, but what a selfish a.sshole. Seriously. It infuriates me. But what I have learned from all this is that the body is a vessel. It is a temporary thing. The kid that killed himself, his vessel is useless, he no longer resides in it. I almost went to look at him during his wake. Just to see the body of a stranger, who meant nothing to me. That sounds creepy. But when the deceased is someone you don't have that emotional bond to, it's easy to identify that it's just a body, and no one is using it anymore. Weird weirdness.
On a lighter topic, someone told me the other day that I act very dignified. I took it as a compliment. I suppose I do have a certain aura about me that could be seen as that. Not conceded however. I'd like to be seen as a humble, dignified person. That would be nice.

I hate feeling like I all alone with my crazy ideas. Lately, the age gap between Lauren and I has been rather evident, which is less than fun. Silly petty arguments. And no one is taking initiative on this film project except me. I'm really trying, because this is what I want to do. I want to do this starting now. I'm growing tired of this town at an accelerated pace. You know, accelerating is either speeding up, slowing down or changing directions. Not just getting faster. Whoever decided to call the gas peddle the "accelerator" wasn't thinking. I still haven't found the time to see The Ladykillers. I haven't heard anything good, but I really want to see it for myself. Lauren and I are going to see it all dolled up. With dresses and fur coats and white gloves. Yes, it will be marvelous. Fabulous even. Here is my song for right now. Associating with my life quite well. Thank you Beck.

Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

ThereÂ’s a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

Things are getting bad with my brother. He's doing a lot of stupid shit in order to fit in to popular society. He thinks that the rents don't have a clue, which to me, after going through all that is hilarious. But I'm conflicted. I want him to be happy and free, but the decisions he's making are stupid. Really stupid. And the people he's associating himself with are bad, hippy-wanna-be, stupid people. I told my mom tonight, that if this continues, something bad will happen. I guess this has also inspired me to get my life together. Stop making my own stupid decisions. Lauren and I are going on vacation in a while though, after school let's out. It will be refreshing.

I'm neglecting my job right now. I've been working at Pizo's since 4pm, until 12:45 am, and then here, in the holy of holies, since 1:3am. I really haven't done too incredibly much. I'm sort of excited. My friend Clark and I were discussing moving to Europe today, which I'm completely for. I'd like to study over there. See some shit. Wander and be away from here. And it'll be nice going with someone I know. This other guy Andy, is planning on going as well. He's extremely cool as well. One of the coolest guys I've ever met. He's just simple and nice, and hasn't ever said anything bad about anyone, which you would think too much about, but think about all the people you know that do that, and how much you do it. I know I do it. I enjoy his lack of drama. Anyway, I hope I'm not coming off like I have a crush on him. I don't, he's just plain cool. Anyhow, this post seems stupid. Yeah, so I think I may be going to Europe in the next year or so. Travel and then go to school. Clark said he might even go to school there, which would be good for him. I hate being at this school late at night. It's unnerving. Well, that's all.

I haven't been doing a very good job of controlling what I say lately. I feel like I keep trying to get attention, which I suppose I am. I keep insulting myself in front of people, something I haven't done for quite some time, but I'm starting the trend again. Let's hope that I can get over this and just be who I am, and be pleased and content with that. It seems like everyone else does this so smoothly, as though I am the only one who has complications with my self image. I don't know. Everyone is probably just as messed up in the head as I am, I just have to realize that and not feel like such a shit head for being who I am. And by "being who I am" I don't me "this is me so deal with it." I do intend to change myself over time, I just need to accept the fact that I am not perfect, never shall become perfect, and I should be happy with what I have been given. That's all I have to say right now.

I'm pretty depressed. I'm pretty depressed a lot. I feel like there is no resolution for so many things in my life. Like, issues of importance just fizzle out, and I try to forget about them. Which I cannot. SO I just stick them under paperwork and behind the dressers in my brain. I am working, sort of, right now. Cleaning. Shit job that pays well. At least I get to be alone. Anyhow, I think I'm going to go on hiatus. For a while, or forever, I can't tell. I want so badly to socialize. Sometimes I feel like it keeps me going. It helps me do all that forgetting that I love to do so much. I just feel so alone. I've felt this way forever. No one can connect with me. I don't even have Lauren really. We are in such different places right now. She's there. I'm here. Something something... I feel like I need to heal. But I can't yet because there's no resolution. I've been sobbing a lot lately. A good sob is fine every once in a while. But not all the time. My mom's birthday is tomorrow, and there's going to be a nice little party for her on Friday. I do love my family. They are sort of a haven. A place to hide. Things are just so fucked up in my head right now. I just keep getting these surges of anger and sadness, which ends up being tears. I just want to scream and somehow be cathartic. I just want to escape from whatever the fuck this is that's drilling into my brain. Sometimes the only thing that soothes me is falling asleep and thinking about ways to kill myself. But that hasn't been working too well lately either. I just hate everything about me. Every aspect of myself makes me cringe and wonder why anyone gives me the time of day. I suppose this all could easily be excused as a case of teen angst. I guess. Whatever.

"Look at that ole grizzly bear..."
So yeah, things. Well, I have developed a cold sore, which blows a lot. Also, I have yet to clean the Church, and it's 9:45pm. Suck. Anyway, the moral of the story is that I'd like to reach a pleasant medium between sadness and joyfulness. I don't like mood swings. Not one bit. I keep waking up content, and gradually falling downhill as the day progresses. Sometimes however, small things rejuvenate me, such as baths, and naps. My brothers got in a fight today, and I tried to break it up. First, I threw a container of Paprika at them, then I wrassled them apart. It was painful. They are big. Gotta go clean.