{ OH MY GOOOOD!! }

Sorry I haven't been blogging. I have been Writing a lot of Stuff where you can't Read it though. The above Clip has been playing in my Head all Day.

{ agenda. }

I Just want to read. All the Time. Books and Books. And eat Raw Food so mah Belly don't hurt. And Smell new Smells. And Hear new Songs. Nap in my Clean White Bed. Covered in Cotton. Ride that Blue Bike all around Town. And watch The Sun Go down. Thank You for this day.

{ we the sleepless.}

we the sleepless nights.

{ foot-in-mouth. }

You know like, when you're trying to make friends, and it seems the more you try, the more you fail at making friends? Like, when you put yourself out there, out on the line, all naked and shit, it is at the most inappropiate moment, inadvertantly, that you make your move. Or say your piece. Two cents. So everyone looks at you like you're the most malapropo person ever. Yeah. It's funny, because I often feel that way when attempting relationships with Christians. Which may or may not be true. I tend to over-emotionalize things. And treat people like they really don't like me. Regardless of what they say or don't say. God, where is my mind. Have I mentioned lately how much I don't want to drink anymore. And how that's all I can think about right now?

{ of loss. }

we lost him
along with all the others.

a sense resides among the living
that when we are to die
it is notably referred to as
"a loss" of someone

as though they wandered off
into the woods
or sailed into stormy seas,
never to be heard from
or seen again.

and what a wonder
when so often
we will profess
that at the end of life
peace expounds.

did we then misplace anyone
or did they simply find
a better life
in losing us

{ I am tired still. }

this Life is hard work, I say. Thirsty and sleepy. not as it should be. I have been feeling very low. very unhealthy. very spiritually irresponsible. I hate feeling this way. things are difficult at the moment. and I am pining over hope. I have some, but my Thirst seems to be distracting me. but Thirst too, is good. so I shall sleep now. and Tomorrow is brand new Day, alongside the tender Mercies. Pray for me, if you do pray, and if the mood should strike.

{ Joe or Casey; the Dead man. }

a diabolical breath fill the lungs of this sorry sailor. a Man died today. another servant of our alcoholic mistress. there was a party on his behalf. his ship finally came in. his ship did sail. and now, he stands at the foot of God. pleading his case. like We all will.

I did not know this Man. but he was alive at the same time as myself. we may have met. I don't know. nor would he. but he is dead now. and for a while, I am still here, with the living, at his death party. I hope that when I die, there is just as much ham, in my honor.

I have had three hundred death parties of my own, and for myself. each one spent alone. with a drink in my hand, ringing in the new age, the reinvention. after each one, drunk, I tell myself I am dead, and Tomorrow is the first of many Brighter Days. come morning, I wake to the same swollen eyes, still who I was, still who I am. still alive.

tonight, I drink to the old Man I didn't know. who I will probably never know, at least not here, amongst the living.

thank you for the ham.
.
.

{ mess. }

i'm a mess. very tired. probably hung over. because i'm an alcoholic. come on now megan. get it together. must find secret place to hide in. i have a stupid meeting at 9:15. but i really just want to crawl back in bed. or at least change out of the crazy clothes i am wearing. i'm sporting two very different and very intense patterns. this sucks. for no reason except than because i do. not making sense. been very self-deprecating as of late. feeling lost. need solitary adventure. and a sandwich. oh man. my body feels so acidic right now. heart burn.

{ wearing white to the wedding. }

today meant work. plans for the Great Reformation of myself. as i walked to the bar, in order to continue my long, unending farewell to whiskey, a man quickly past beside me, announcing, "passing on your left." as he continued up the sidewalk, he approached a large bush to his right. lackadaisically, he extended his right hand and gently brushed the outermost leaves with his fingertips. not thinking twice. just doing what delighted old men do.

in the bar i sat, and ordered a bourbon. it happened that this same man found the stool next to my own. slight in stature, and dressed like a man his age, baseball cap, short-sleeved, button-up orange plaid shirt, khaki's shorts, each one side too big, and sneakers, he sat and said, "you probably hate me..." in a slightly jovial manner.

+

you are a lamb. shepherded away.
betrothed to a will.
these days are meant for doing.
for seeing truth and speaking justice.
the world is filled with ravenous wolves.
i am a loyal servant.
a domesticated beast of peace.
there is the world and the wild.

raised by the saints
estranged myself and found family
with the wolves.
treacherous wolves they were!
now i remain beastly and seek
good in the world.

+

{ muddle. }

i've been ingesting a lot of visions lately. other people's vision. reading comic books and watching movies. and let me say, comics are like crack. i love art and poetry and literature and film, but none of these seems to stick to my brain like a good graphic novel. i want to read more/other comics, but require long pauses in between. to find myself again. i live in other people's worlds, and i live in my own made up one. i would like to come down from the clouds now, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. my brain is very muddled. as though all my senses are filtered. i woft through the mornings and afternoons. lately, i've become irrationally angry at times. life is funny. strange days are these. look up, lest we lose ourselves.

{ for the sake of civility. }

i have a really hard time getting involved with politics. i don't like them. in my experience, any discussion turns into argument. and people try to make other people feel stupid.

{ sometimes back to earth. }

wanna know what's exciting???

THIS:





it's so GREAT! i'm trying not to think about it. because it'll consume my thoughts. i just got home from camping. there's nothing quite like this unclean smell i am exuding right now. it pleases me. last night in fact, i was asked to read bedtime stories to a hoard of kids. i had some Bourbon in me, mind you, but i think it was just the right amount to help make the stories even more passionate. i actually told a story from Fables: 1001 nights, of why the big bad wolf is so big and bad. but about half way through i remembered that there was lots of gore and people eating, so i tried to clean it up a bit. eventually i just gave up.

oregon is a beautiful state. i'm happy to live here, and wish to take more advantage of it. i need to figure out transportation, in order to camp more. that's the only time i wish i had a car. for drives to the coast. mystery weekends. camping. i drove around on friday, just running errands, and let me tell you, at the end of it all i was grinding my teeth. you move so quickly through the world. there's no effort. not like on a bike, where you're working to get to where you need to go. and it makes you feel good. driving is only fun on long distances. so i think that's about enough driving to last me for the next six months.

i'm gonna go sit in the hot tub now, and read watchmen.

{ diarrhea city. }

it is true that i didn't think too much about the hot tub. i thought, "oh, that will be nice. to sit in the hot tub." but my brain didn't go much farther than that. but oh, gourd, i got home last night, put on my bathing suit, and soaked with a glass of wine, and let me tell you, it was phenomenal. honestly. so the new house is going well.

why do people where those spandex bike suits? i don't quite get it. maybe it's beyond me. because i understand their aerodynamic properties, they don't flap around or get caught on anything. but really, i mean, are they totally necessary? can someone please explain this to me? i'm sitting in the cafe and dudes are pulling up for lunch in this outfits that don't leave much to be imagination. why? maybe this is the future. maybe i am living in a futuristic age. and i don't even realize it...

my G.I. tract does not get along with lentils. not ever. diarrhea city, population: me. (i can't ever remember how to spell diarrhea. i always spell it diarriah. which is incorrect.)

ps. can someone send me a journal. i need a new one. and yes, there is always the promise of me writing a story about you. i can even make one up. a really adventurous one that you can read to your kids. ok. my mouth tastes like old coffee now. i'm becoming that teacher. the one who smells like poo, but it's really just horrendous coffee breath. sorry kids. now i have to go find a dresser. or something to put stuff on.

{ just like honey. }

this day seemed to spell disaster. but i think it will turn out okay. i ate oatmeal with brown sugar, and boy, let me tell ya, it hit the proverbial spot. now i'm drinking peppermint tea out of Vicki! Vicki! is my mug. i found her at goodwill, all white with black letters; she called out to me.

so this is day three of sobriety. it's going well. phase one is complete. now onto the next venture: food. by the time this is all said and done i'll be as clean and humble as a new born babe. free of alcohol, caffeine, gluten, nicotine, and just generally down to alkaline foods. steamed vegetables. raw fruit. sounds good, eh? i might also kick dairy. but i'm wondering about raw milk's potential. the hardest will be cigarettes, of course. that's why i'm saving them for last. anyway, it's time to abort this school and go find some coffee and a hiding place. it's a dreamy day, where i could fall asleep in memories.

{ eff this. }

i don't like parties. anymore, i really don't like drinking. but getting to that point where i can keep myself from drinking, well, that's a horse of a different colour. i need another adventure. i'm about to move into a nice place, with a fire pit, plum tree and hot tub. with my own private balcony. and the change will be oh so nice. but i need to go on some form of adventure. some trip needs to transpire. i need to make fellowship friends. not drink until you hate yourself friends. now i'm not saying that people i know and love now are like that. don't fret little ones. i'm just very bored of booze. i'm sick of writing about it all the time. i want to learn how to do things! like carpentry and auto mechanics and how to raise chickens. i want to make things out of trash. i want to be ever so peaceful. and look good in coveralls. harvest. and then move to spain. come on, self. let's getta move on.

{ i am hilarious. }

sometimes i think i'm really funny. hey, do you know what's exciting? fall. fall is exciting. it's my favourite season. maybe i'm just saying that because it's new and fresh, and exactly what i need. here's a bad dream i had once, taken from the archives of this very blog, from 2003:

Wow, worst dream ever... Last night I had this horrific dream. Where does my mind come up with this stuff. Dreams make me think that there are definitely demonic presences. Honestly. I woke up and I thought my heart was going to explode. My chest hurt so badly because it was beating so hard. Seriously folks. It took me about ten minutes to calm myself down to the point where I was normal. I was paralyzed. You know, when you have a terrible dream, and you cannot move, no matter how hard you try. This dream was really fucked up. And I felt a lot of badness in the room when I awoke. So I didn't move. I was all sweaty. It was scary. After about an hour, I'm supposing because I didn't even look at the clock, I turned on the light in my room, and just laid in bed for two more hours. There was something really big running around on the roof, too. Maybe not that big, but I'd say raccoon sized. I HATE bad dreams, I get them all the time. I just couldn't believe how fast my heart was racing. And the dream was really vivid. Nothing in the dream happened to me, but I was watching everything. And it was frightening. Very fucked up. The thing I remember the most was when the girl jumped into the car (she was stealing it...I just thought of that) the keys had a little rubber skull key chain. Weird, why was that in my dream, why so much detail. This is the dream: (This beginning part is in first person) I walk down the street and come across this building with odd, paper signs on the front window. It's a store, and I don't remember what the signs said. I go in, and the walls are mustard yellow, with an orange band following the wall. It's a vintage clothing store. Weird clothes everywhere. Not all vintage. Polka-dot shorts. The clothes are hung in weird places. They aren't at eye level, there at waist level. I'm looking around the store. The resister in the the middle of the room. In the far left corner there is a section of vintage dolls and stuffed animals, like Rainbow Bright and Strawberry Shortcake and characters from Sesame Street. Interesting store. Then I'm in the watching perspective (omnipresent? ... I don't know), outside the store. It is night time now, and some bad shit is going on, and I don't remember what it was, just a really bad, evil feeling came over me. The store looked deserted and gross. I'm looking across the street from the store ,now. Whatever it is that is bad is there. It is this folding blob, not a blob exactly, but it's this substance that's melting together. It is pure evil, I can tell, I can just feel it. It talks, and I don't know what it says, but the idea is that someone is cursed, and it's going to kill them. Now I'm watching this girl, she's blonde and very pretty. She goes into her apartment. There's a guy in the other room, and she knows the guy, but it isn't him, he's possessed or something by this evil thing. But not just possessed, he's, I guess, dead, and this creature is using his body. He was the cursed one, and now he's going to kill this girl. She's cursed now. The guy makes some remark about how they are going to have sex or something. For some reason I was waiting for him to say this. He sounds very fake and awkward. Then I'm watching this man. He's with a friend, standing at the bottom of the stair. I watch from above. They talk, they're both possessed. I find out he's possessed at this point, because his friends starts rubbing the front of his neck, and it's like he's overcome by this feeling. His head goes back, and the front of his neck begins to look like a spine. His neck gets really long, and finally he tells his friend to knock it of and whips his neck back into place. I think while I was watching this part I took on the roll of the blonde girl for just a moment. The next thing I see is this girl running. She's running as fast as she can because she found out about that guy. She's running through the grass at night, but she can't run fast because I'm dreaming, and I want her to run faster but she can't. She can only take these long strides. She finds out the guy is following her, and she's frantic. She runs past this cop, but he's cursed too, so he can't help her, he's going to die soon anyway. The man that's chasing her has lost all human form, and has become some sort of creature. The only way I can think to describe it is Werewolf, but it isn't one, It's a really fucked up wolf. it's hideous and disgusting. It's face is long and full of teeth. It's chasing this girl who's scared to death, she doesn't want to die. She reaches this car, it's a hatch-back old car. Like a short station wagon. It's tan both outside and in. The keys are in the ignition, they have a skull key chain, and she starts the car. She's frantic and clumsy, but she manages to do everything alright. At this point, the cop she past is at the passenger window pounding on the door, but it's locked, he's screaming. He's going to die. She pulls out, and tries to drive away. The monster has caught up to her now, and is running beside the car. It's shrieking. It's screaming, and I can't even begin to describe what it sounds like, the worst noise I have ever heard in my life. She's trying to drive away as fast as she can, but once again, I'm dreaming so she can't drive very fast. I want her to drive fast so badly. This wolf thing is still chasing her, she rams it with the side of her car, and pulls down a different road. She was on Main St before. She turns right, and then left. She's going really slow, and I want to cry. When she turns left the wolf is there, and she hits him and runs him over. She tries to accelerate, but she can't. The wolf is holding onto the bottom of the car and she can't drive away. She's gonna die. Then I woke up.

Yeah. I got an A in my computer class! Go me.

also, it should be said, that i am a terrible speller, but after editing this post, i realized, i was a horrific speller. i'm doing much better now...

{ old ironsides. }

lots of things are happening. here are some of them:

-school (as in the teachy kind)
-church (as in the learny kind)
-looking for home (fingers crossed, this seems to be going well)
-considering gallery (called "ironsides")
-fall is today (very exciting)
-still trying to not drink, but eat well (constant struggle)

but it's a lot of stuff. i've been working 60 hour weeks for two weeks now. not so fun. i think what's exciting about all this work is the underlying desire to see it all work out. and maybe it won't. but it is inspirational. i feel inspired. i'm gonna go drink some tea now.

{of love and hate.}

i just ate a lot of hot sauce. it was delicious. made me sweat under my eyes and on the upper lip. my mouth is on fire. oh hot sauce, you make me a fool. but when i get a taste of you, it seems i can't stop until i've absolutely debilitated myself with your strength. you make me vulnerable. how will this ever work? how can we succeed? every time i have you in my clutches, i'm like a drunkard. craving your spicy powers. devouring every last drop, while you char my innards. leaving me wallowing in miserable bowl movements for days. curse you and your flavour! the complexity of your finger licking goodness!! and the diversity of your many brands. this can't stand. you are destroying me. or am i destroying myself...

{fat lady.}

i'm pretty sure i'm a "fat lady". i don't really feel like one. i know i'm doughy. but when i look at pictures of myself i look enormous.
well... back to the drawing board...

{kid plague.}

the first week of school was murder. i've contracted what is now know (by me/to me} as "kid plague." which is the product of suddenly being around a hundred and fifty children all of the sudden. i might as well be eating germs like a big bowl of cereal. on a lighter note, i went to church today, and followed this with brunch prepared by the bee at his workjob. it was very satisfying. i like being the kind of girl who orders exorbitant amounts of food and eats it all. there's a bonnie prince billy line that goes "You wore no shoes and ate like a leopard" and i feel that line fits me quite well. eating is good. i like it. especially after lots of hard work on my body, like riding from ne 9th/rosa parks to se 52nd/division. anything that makes me thirst. it's a righteous thirst. now if only i can stop drinking... and find a new place to live. pray for me. i have a lot of work to do.