i've taken to staying in bed. i've taken to sleeping while the sun is out. and it begins to rear its ugly head around seven o'clock in the morning. i don't really know what my deal is. i've lost a lot of desire for things in life. and in order to maintain the most significant affections i have requires me to work really hard to press through all the garbage in my brain. to find the goodness. however, this state, despite it irregularity and emotional cacophony, is almost creatively treating me better than if i felt absolutely fine. it seems that the reasons for living have manifested themselves, and when i do get out of bed, all i really want to do is write or draw or read. i am neglecting a lot of responsibilities. but not really. it could be worse. all of my clothes need cleaned. my fish is still dead in his fishbowl at my other home, and i know that today the owner of the home's sons had to go into my apartment to clean it. i wonder how that went. maybe i'll simply sleep until it all works itself out. i'll socially shut down. i'll make a tent.


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{here's some crap}

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we know we love
choking eachother down endlessly aimlessly
for the sake of everything bright and beautiful
all clarity all serenity
hands holding on for a final touch
eyes blink to death
at separations sight
isn't it enough
we know we love
to stand rigid in affection
like it’s so desperately serious and necessary
laughing at life's tricks
laugh at its hope

i'll smoke sinister cigarettes
i'll drink darker coffee
caffeinated and sedated
to become a horribly concentrated truth
those stupid acts i resent and perform
(i do too.)
greeting lady lazarus
with a warm handshake
i'm gathering strength
from anticipating misery
sing myself to sleep
a smoker's lullaby
the notes don't come as simply as they used to

mom dad
(motherfather)
i'm fine
oh dear love
remember when
the future took place
in my dreams
day and night, wake, sleep
the finest of lives
so you have always been here
forever stay forever

the death of a dreamer
playing pretend and assembling stories
creating lives to love
and be loved in
forgotten forever in a years time
some have stayed
inhabiting treasured compartments
marching madly in and out of vision
two-timing thought patterns and number nothings
sometimes it produces

wondering when this day will end
to see if the next is better
like most days
like all days
why was i asleep
when did i awake
what happened to the weekend


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the next part is a bunch of rubbish that the computer made up, but seriously read it. it turned out pretty awesomely peculiar. thyroglobulin.

{look down}

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