{grow up.}

stop dreaming. get your head out of the clouds. you're ridiculous.

{ growl. }

would i have felt this way when i was younger? am i so old now. it's constantly hard to tell. i've consumed myself, and am now stuck in this rutt. no longer learning as easily as i would have. had none of this ever happened.

fat lip.

{wrong pipe.}

a little more light hearted. soon all the secrets of the universe will be unfolded to me. i'll be reborn from dust. lanterns lit and lifted towards the memory of what was a constant attempt. the star-crossed love affairs sink down the dingy drain of forgotten lust. the seventh sun shall be dressed in pink and purity. a safer face next to a lighter tunnel. and a solitary beckoning for solitary confinement finally seals the proverbial deal. say what you will with accusations abounding. the supposed conclusions you've drawn about my presence. my childlike frenzies. the slamming of doors and constant requests for kisses on the mouth. your world was not made for the likes of me. thank god and hallelujah. i'll get fucked up on my own account. alone and so sweetly. like a lamb to the slaughter that it made for itself. the rain comes down as it ever did. and what i'm getting used to i cannot abide. the nights need lonely customers. and beds were made for sleeping. heated bodies have breathed heavy within me. none of which my own. and when these ghostly evenings come, i'll be waiting, gun in hand in mouth. for that moment when it becomes painfully apparent that i want none of this. your frequencies are deafening. your bodily fluids worthless. i can dive down in myself and pull out a soggy liver. make beautiful babies to breastfeed in the sun. and the fragrance you're emitting passes by and makes me wonder, right before it makes me heave. i barely see any worth in me, and i'm trying very hard to make my life work.

{wrong pipe.}

it took two months for the fog to clear. which turned into an even thicker fog.

{i'm done.}

people are ridiculous. especially the ones i care for most. i'm trying to quit smoking and drinking, and failing at both. so i guess if i were trying to quit not failing, i'd be winning. there's my silver lining.

beyond the silver lining, i'm at work, trying to kill time before i have to deal with seven 5 year-olds. and then a fire drill. we'll see how that goes. on top of it all, i really have to crap. it's brewing inside me in that way where you think your phone is vibrating, but it's just your insides.

also, a staff member just walked into this room to make copies. i clicked away from my blog page, and onto my "sign out sheet for PVS aftercare" spread sheet, which i finished ten minutes ago. i tried to act busy, by deleting words and re-typing them. for some reason it seemed like a big deal. but thinking about it now, i don't know why i felt so deviant.

even now, as people walk in, i click away from this page, as though i were looking at porn.

{savannah.}

back south. no mothers came tonight. there was no quitting, only premonitions. what can be within the absence of letting go. when you speak supposed truths about how all is so well. here no one can tell. because no one is listening. and i only see myself reaching. my hand was over your mouth in anticipation. just to feel the vibrations of thought reaching its way to the throat. the lack of satisfaction swayed me, as though i might turn to dust, were i not to move. then rubbing pathetic, bitten legs. if i can just keep moving. if i can make myself live in a constant state of newness. i sang along. and softly felt a face i wished to be my own. there's a dream some of us share. and a way of being which seems to please. let us not be too hasty. i want to do my dreams. and all the things i thought i knew once. in a time where nothing seemed too far from reality. despite intensity.

the area codes i've memorized in passing times. soot from my lungs has crept up and gathered me secretly. although i always told everyone. in an attempt to show a sense of intimacy. the tar and poisoning of love, an actuality. i'd say, that if you only knew my heart, you'd hate me, knowing how often i contemplated everything that's already happened. a great fault.

the streets grew narrow and so soon they where long trodden. i knew. i was not meant for such a world. i knew. but kept along a path so sedating, i could hardly remember a point in which my life lacked such a fog. fog that breaks the breathing of a young woman. well, if world is what you make of it then i am lost and dreaming. tell me i am lonely child and wanting life too real. a wrong and wriggling soul suspended by my own disbelief. and there is no succumbing to the state in which i've placed myself.

there will be.

an additional epoch
gathered.

it is good to be enchanted. to go away.

i can't help but see the night.
when we lie together.