A song someone wrote for my cold, dark nights. And I've kept it in my heart always.



the sun shines and leaves blow
and my hope, like autumn, is turning brown
and I know it seems like I'm always falling down

but it does not matter to me
although it seems like it should
it's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say
rest in me little david
and dry all your tears
you can lay down your armor
and have no fear
'cause I'm always here
when you're tired of running
and I'm all the strength that you need

it's up hill both ways
tomorrow I swear I won't act this way
I know it seems like that is what I always say

but it does not matter to me
although it seems like it should
it's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say
rest in me little david
and dry all your tears
you can lay down your armor
and have no fear
'cause I'm always here
when you're tired of running
and I'm all the strength that you need

you know I want to be like Jesus
but it seems so very far away
when will I learn to obey

obey.

Oh life, what crazy hijinks will you present me with next. Crazy hijinks. That's what I have to say about life. It's pretty crazy. Actually come to think of it, I would really like for there to be additional daily hijinks. You know, like mysteries to solve, like Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys or Ghost writer. What a silly name for a collection of books. Hardy Boys... who thought THAT one up. Anyway, so there will hopefully be more hijinks, or hullabaloo, or um, razamatchazah. I'll bet you've never heard that one before. Well, joke's on you, that's because I made it up. At this point I would be doing my new favorite laugh, which involves me with a crazy old man face, laughing slowly and "hardily" (ah-ha-ha...) from the gut, and shrugging my shoulders on each exhale. It's pretty entertaining. I like to do it, but no one ever thinks it's funny, except me, but that's usually how it goes. No one is ever amused by what amuses me. I'll show you sometime. Maybe you'll think it's funny. That's right, you. Yeah, so Lauren and I have decided to incorporate crazy things into everyday interactions with people. Yes, I know what you're all thinking, "But you guys already DO incorporate crazy things into everyday interactions!!! You crazies!" Well, you're right again, but this time it's going to be even better. Lauren and I have this game we play where we smile extremely enthusiastically at people, with big teeth, all creep like, and see if they smile back, if they do we get a point. If they don't smile and look frightened we get two points. It's the best game ever. Well, now we are going to see who can say the strangest, most pointless, and off-handed thing in a conversation. It doesn't sound as great as the smile game, and maybe it isn't, but it is. Also, there will be much more dancing on the sidewalks. Just dancing. For people we don't know. It's amazing. Maybe we'll get money. I don't know. But I DO know that I am not a normal person, and have been painfully depressed lately, and now that I have all these crazy things to do, things might pick up a bit. And maybe I won't drink myself to sleep anymore. Game on.

I just wrote a really long and interesting blog, but it's all gone now for some reason... I don't know why, the computer just decided to stop working. I'm really f.ucking pissed, but I'll get over it... 10... 9... 8... cooling, cooling. Done. Anyway, to editorialize, I saw Harry Potter. It was awesome. I'm tired. I hung out with Josh today and it was strange and bitter sweet. I can't remember anything else. I'll write a poem.

I want to give you everything beautiful in the world.
Everything you'll love.
Everything tasteful and charming.
In return I ask only
For every smile you make
To be for me
And that they always remain brilliant.

Forgot my song for the day. Thank you Radiohead...


I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change.

Kill me Sarah,
kill me again with love,
it's gonna be a glorious day.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

The head of state has called for me by name
but I don't have time for him.
It's gonna be a glorious day!
I feel my luck could change.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.
We are standing on the edge.

Yeowza. That's the word summing up everything I'm feeling right now. ...Wait, now it's "jojoba." Because I like that word, and just read it off of a bottle of hand lotion. Just say it in your head a few times, and you'll know how I'm feeling. Now it's "wildcats." "Wildcats...pkeeew... I gotta go." Something like that. For as awesome as Owen Wilson is, he sure is in some shitty movies. Anyhow, things are still crazy, but I'm feeling more peaceful now. A few nights ago a friend of mine was having a really hard time with her portion in life at the moment and was discussing it with my friend Heidi and me. All of the sudden the cops pull up to her house and say that someone called in reporting a loud party over there. The caller was undoubtedly her soon-to-be ex-husband being a petty asshole and trying to make her life miserable, even though he isn't supporting their child at all, and continues to avoid signing the divorce papers and has yet to show up for his court date. This whole cop, prank, high school shit just kind of put her over the edge. It was really bad, just to think that he would do that. I mean, come on, how childish. We had only been chatting quietly and the cop could see that nothing was going on, so he apologized and said he would look into the call and proceeded to leave. It was really crazy, after he left we talked a bit more, and were about to go inside, and I asked her if it was okay if I prayed for her. She said it was cool, and that lots of people had been telling her that lately. I told her that I wanted to pray for her now, right there, and asked Heidi to join. So we prayed for positive energy and lots of stuff, and it was so beautiful. She cried and cried and it felt so good. I don't remember the last time I prayed aloud for someone, in a group setting. Either way, we felt the spirit of the Lord on that situation. I just hope that she sees how much God loves her. And hopefully through this I can see how much He loves me, and maybe start loving myself again. I'm really trying to surround myself with positive energy and spiritual people who will bring me up to a higher place, a place I should be. It's hard. I would like to start going back to church. I really don't like organized religion, but I need good people right now, and I know where to find them I guess. This year has been a success as far as humility goes. I feel so humble and gracious about a lot of things. I hope this enlightenment continues.

Well well well. Summer is here and so am I. Let's see, well, I'm doing pretty well, and I have managed to use the word "well" five times already. I'm at work, but that's okay because soon enough I will not be at work. Perspective. That's what this life calls for, a good dose of perspective. Anyhow, I have made a few changes in my life. A little spring cleaning if you will. Some "rearranging." And all is going well. Loosing some weight, my face is clearing up. I just have to hand in some late papers and I will be set as a jet. I made that one up. I have taken up a job as a "child care supervisor," also known as "baby-sitting," but that just doesn't seem P.C. enough now does it? Anyway, cutest, damn kid ever. And we are going to swim and eat watermelon all summer long, at least on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Anyhow, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I needed some resolution in my life, and with a little help from above, I'm managing just fine now. Happy as a clam. Assuming clams are always happy... which doesn't make any sense to me, because when your hands are all gross and moist you say they're "clammy," and clams get eaten a lot too. Whatever man. I keep thinking crazy things like, "I love who you are, I love who you ain't, you're so Anne Frank," (Outkast) and the name "Jark Mangkar," who is this guy I know, except his name is Mark Jangkar. I don't know how to spell that at all. IT sounds like someone from Star Wars. Anyhow, I'm going to go and clean toilets now! Nothing can get me down! Toilets, do your worst!!!

Well, blogger is new and improved. All I came here to say was that my life is stupid and annoying to me. Tonight I hope to burn a lot of old shit of mine. Poems and shit. Things that don't bring back to mind pleasant times. Yeah, my life is really stupid. The more I think about it. I feel like I'm writing this history book everyday, and it's about my life. I can really chose whether or not it's stupid, based on the decisions I make, and thusfar, it seems like a really stupid life. I think my best bet is to just stop giving such a damn about every stupid thing. On that note Modest Mouse?:

we have one chance.
one chance to get everything right.
we have one chance, one chance,
and if we're lucky we might.
my friends,
my habits,
my family,
they mean so much to me.
i just don't think that it's right.
i've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again
and go off sinking.
i'm just a box in a cage.
i'm just a box of mistakes.
didn't mean to laugh,
didn't know i had.
didn't know the better part of what you said,
cuz in your head you are not home.
didn't get the joke.
didn't mean to poke another,
just to save myself from some something
something or another one.
well walk home.
i'm just a box in a cage.
we have one chance,
one chance to get everything right.
my friends,
my habits,
my family,
they mean so much to me.
i just don't think that it's right.
i've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again
and go off sinking.

I have this friend. This friend that I care about tremendously. And this friend is killing me more and more inside and out everyday. Every freakin day. And I keep going over to his house. I keep hanging out or trying to, and investing my time, and investing my love into this friend. Who makes me hate myself more and more inside and out everyday. It's almost like the more love I give to him, the more I take away from myself. And I don't know why I keep putting stock into this friendship. He has practically taken the love I have for everything else in this world, and made me forget. Why do people choose to have such friends. I can honestly say I do, and I don't know why I do it. I hate myself because of this person. I hate the way I look and talk and laugh. I feel like the ideas that I have aren't good enough anymore, and this I'm just this status quo person. Like I'm just living for the sake of breathing, and that's about it. I have never had a very good self concept. I was doing just fine for a while, but gradually I have given up on this idea of self-love. I wrote the other day, "I hate who I am now, but look forward to becoming worse." I've become so comfortable with this idea of hating everything about myself. I've warped my own mind into this crazy state of depression. I feel like I've given up on everything. So whatever man, "with friends like you, who needs friends. (spit)" That's supposed to be from Rushmore. With the "spit" and all. I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. I know I want to make friends with other people who will lift me up, and challenge me to be a higher person, but I'm so lonely right now all I can do is retreat back to the same individuals that kill me inside. I was talking to a friend tonight about how I can't stand insincere people, but somehow I've managed to surround myself with them. People who only think about themselves, and I would say that is not an exaggeration. I don't mean that about everyone I know, but many. This world of Bowling Green where everyone is looking our for their person and their position in everything. Whatever. I have however found contentment in doing things for people, while at the same time being well aware of the fact that they don't even notice. I say "whatever" to that as well. I can see where there has been progression in my life, but I also see that I hate myself, which is not a good thing... at all. No sir, not-at-all. Hopefully I can cut the ties, which I don't want to because I love some of these people, but you can only withstand so much, I suppose. I think when a friendship gets to the point where every time you part from the company of a friend, and start bawling, it's time to end whatever messed up kind of a relationship you have with them. Part of me is writing this and thinking of how true it is, and the other half is saying, "Yeah, right Megan, we'll see how long this will last..." Who knows. I sure don't. I just know that I'm sad all the time. And I have become very set in this depression. This individual is making me hate myself everyday. And even if it's unintentional, the drama they create is leading up to all this. Tearing me up inside every moment I think about them or see them. What is most upsetting is the fact that there are many things in this world that make me think of that person. So many things that I love. F.uck me for ever loving them.

"I'm richer than Calvin Coolidge... PUT TOGETHER!"
It goes something like that. I can't remember, I just laughed a lot. I'm immensely sad. Sad, sad, sad! Is that all I'll ever be?!?! I keep trying to stop thinking what I think, but it's really hard. I don't really have anything to say right now. I just want people to like me. And maybe they do, but I suppose before I can recognize that they like me, I'll have to like myself, which I do not. At all. On another note, tomfooleries is a really good word. One of the best in my opinion. I really long for friends, of the constant variety. I feel like I've looked everywhere, and still haven't been able to connect with anyone. I'm trying to go back to church, but haven't as of yet. Maybe I'll find friends there. Maybe not. I just feel like such a silly kid, because I don't fit in anywhere. And I keep trying to befriend people, but it never materializes. I'm only talking about this here. I really don't like to dump my moans and groans on people, so I'll do this here, and think in my conscious brain that no one will read it, and in my subconscious brain recognize that people will. Anyway, I give up. What was I saying? I don't know, I just want to be supported. I want to know there are people who have my back. I feel like I give a lot. And don't get. Either way. I watched The Man Who Wasn't There a few days ago, and I never got to see he ending. Eric Barton and I are going to be having movie nights on Saturdays, which is exciting. I'm really frustrated. I feel like I'm being narcissistic, but that's what this is for I think. Yes. I think so. On that note, a song:

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's okay
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what did I say
Well you just laughed it off it was all okay

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on anyway

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight of hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't you worry we'll all float on alright
already we'll all float on alright
Don't worry we'll all float on

(Alright already)
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright
Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on okay
Don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on (alright)
Don't you worry we'll all float on (alright)
All float on

What I hate most about this town is the constant retelling of stories. I do it, I know. But I'm trying not to/stopping. I think I've heard at least fifty times this week that some kid hung himself. Actually he lived down the street from me, and I drove by when all the firetrucks and ambulances were there. The whole ordeal just generally makes me angry. How selfish. But the thing that bothers me the most is that after his mom found his body, she went to the coach that had sent him home for dipping, and told this coach that he had killed her son. Now, I know if that were to happen to me, I would certainly freak, however, how could you tell an individual that they were the means that killed someone. Honestly, the kid signed a contract agreeing he would refrain from using any tobacco products. The other weird thing is, that before this kid went to practice, he asked the girl's baseball, or softball rather, team if they could tell he had chew in his mouth. They said yes, he said good. I just don't think this is a case where people can say, "Oh, if only he hadn't been sent home from baseball practice." or "If only people would have noticed his plight." I think this kid wanted to die, and he wanted to be noticed. It's one of those deals where you say to yourself, "I'm going to kill myself, then everyone will notice." But your dead anyway, so you don't get to witness the drama and revenge. Whatever, I'm upset and sorry he died, but what a selfish a.sshole. Seriously. It infuriates me. But what I have learned from all this is that the body is a vessel. It is a temporary thing. The kid that killed himself, his vessel is useless, he no longer resides in it. I almost went to look at him during his wake. Just to see the body of a stranger, who meant nothing to me. That sounds creepy. But when the deceased is someone you don't have that emotional bond to, it's easy to identify that it's just a body, and no one is using it anymore. Weird weirdness.
On a lighter topic, someone told me the other day that I act very dignified. I took it as a compliment. I suppose I do have a certain aura about me that could be seen as that. Not conceded however. I'd like to be seen as a humble, dignified person. That would be nice.

I hate feeling like I all alone with my crazy ideas. Lately, the age gap between Lauren and I has been rather evident, which is less than fun. Silly petty arguments. And no one is taking initiative on this film project except me. I'm really trying, because this is what I want to do. I want to do this starting now. I'm growing tired of this town at an accelerated pace. You know, accelerating is either speeding up, slowing down or changing directions. Not just getting faster. Whoever decided to call the gas peddle the "accelerator" wasn't thinking. I still haven't found the time to see The Ladykillers. I haven't heard anything good, but I really want to see it for myself. Lauren and I are going to see it all dolled up. With dresses and fur coats and white gloves. Yes, it will be marvelous. Fabulous even. Here is my song for right now. Associating with my life quite well. Thank you Beck.

Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

ThereÂ’s a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

Things are getting bad with my brother. He's doing a lot of stupid shit in order to fit in to popular society. He thinks that the rents don't have a clue, which to me, after going through all that is hilarious. But I'm conflicted. I want him to be happy and free, but the decisions he's making are stupid. Really stupid. And the people he's associating himself with are bad, hippy-wanna-be, stupid people. I told my mom tonight, that if this continues, something bad will happen. I guess this has also inspired me to get my life together. Stop making my own stupid decisions. Lauren and I are going on vacation in a while though, after school let's out. It will be refreshing.

I'm neglecting my job right now. I've been working at Pizo's since 4pm, until 12:45 am, and then here, in the holy of holies, since 1:3am. I really haven't done too incredibly much. I'm sort of excited. My friend Clark and I were discussing moving to Europe today, which I'm completely for. I'd like to study over there. See some shit. Wander and be away from here. And it'll be nice going with someone I know. This other guy Andy, is planning on going as well. He's extremely cool as well. One of the coolest guys I've ever met. He's just simple and nice, and hasn't ever said anything bad about anyone, which you would think too much about, but think about all the people you know that do that, and how much you do it. I know I do it. I enjoy his lack of drama. Anyway, I hope I'm not coming off like I have a crush on him. I don't, he's just plain cool. Anyhow, this post seems stupid. Yeah, so I think I may be going to Europe in the next year or so. Travel and then go to school. Clark said he might even go to school there, which would be good for him. I hate being at this school late at night. It's unnerving. Well, that's all.

I haven't been doing a very good job of controlling what I say lately. I feel like I keep trying to get attention, which I suppose I am. I keep insulting myself in front of people, something I haven't done for quite some time, but I'm starting the trend again. Let's hope that I can get over this and just be who I am, and be pleased and content with that. It seems like everyone else does this so smoothly, as though I am the only one who has complications with my self image. I don't know. Everyone is probably just as messed up in the head as I am, I just have to realize that and not feel like such a shit head for being who I am. And by "being who I am" I don't me "this is me so deal with it." I do intend to change myself over time, I just need to accept the fact that I am not perfect, never shall become perfect, and I should be happy with what I have been given. That's all I have to say right now.

I'm pretty depressed. I'm pretty depressed a lot. I feel like there is no resolution for so many things in my life. Like, issues of importance just fizzle out, and I try to forget about them. Which I cannot. SO I just stick them under paperwork and behind the dressers in my brain. I am working, sort of, right now. Cleaning. Shit job that pays well. At least I get to be alone. Anyhow, I think I'm going to go on hiatus. For a while, or forever, I can't tell. I want so badly to socialize. Sometimes I feel like it keeps me going. It helps me do all that forgetting that I love to do so much. I just feel so alone. I've felt this way forever. No one can connect with me. I don't even have Lauren really. We are in such different places right now. She's there. I'm here. Something something... I feel like I need to heal. But I can't yet because there's no resolution. I've been sobbing a lot lately. A good sob is fine every once in a while. But not all the time. My mom's birthday is tomorrow, and there's going to be a nice little party for her on Friday. I do love my family. They are sort of a haven. A place to hide. Things are just so fucked up in my head right now. I just keep getting these surges of anger and sadness, which ends up being tears. I just want to scream and somehow be cathartic. I just want to escape from whatever the fuck this is that's drilling into my brain. Sometimes the only thing that soothes me is falling asleep and thinking about ways to kill myself. But that hasn't been working too well lately either. I just hate everything about me. Every aspect of myself makes me cringe and wonder why anyone gives me the time of day. I suppose this all could easily be excused as a case of teen angst. I guess. Whatever.

"Look at that ole grizzly bear..."
So yeah, things. Well, I have developed a cold sore, which blows a lot. Also, I have yet to clean the Church, and it's 9:45pm. Suck. Anyway, the moral of the story is that I'd like to reach a pleasant medium between sadness and joyfulness. I don't like mood swings. Not one bit. I keep waking up content, and gradually falling downhill as the day progresses. Sometimes however, small things rejuvenate me, such as baths, and naps. My brothers got in a fight today, and I tried to break it up. First, I threw a container of Paprika at them, then I wrassled them apart. It was painful. They are big. Gotta go clean.

Well. Let's see here. I told my roommate that I couldn't live with her, and that went okay. I wasn't feeling very peaceful there anyway. I've been feeling emotionally better too. Maybe it's the Suma, not with an "o"; it's the vitamin I'm taking to alleviate me depression. All last week I just gradually became more and more depressed as the day went on. I was so depressed that I wasn't sad anymore. It was weird. It made me feel like such melodramatic looser. Like I have all these problems and shit that I want to puke all over everyone. I just hate it when people know how I feel in the head. It makes me vulnerable. Well, I'm gonna go now. I don't have enough time to talk, so why begin.

So ya. I've been really busy moving into this apartment, and was really excited until I realized that I couldn't take a shower there and don't have a door to my room, and I thought the renovation were pretty much done, until this morning when I was rudely awakened by my landlord who wanted to paint the kitchen. Suck. Also I went to Pittsburgh. So I've been gone. I'm really depressed lately. I think I may be bi-polar. Because of my crazy mood swings, but it might just be the birth control, too. I hope that I keep posting, but I have a tendency to fall in and out of that trend, so we will see.

The transition into this warmth has been very weird. I'm very pleased, but still feel like I'm lacking something. Honesty, maybe? I want to know what people are thinking. All the time. What they feel like or essentially "are feeling," thinking, whatever. I don't know why. I just do. Just what's on their minds. I want to listen, and lately I feel as though I don't have anything to listen to, with exception of cars to footsteps of people walking by. I learned last night not to dabble with the past. I just read so many things that I wrote in high school. It was ridiculous and depressing. And as I often do at night, I felt very futile and aged. Every second I'm creating a memory of sorts, and I neglect it, to look into the future or back into the past. Smells do this a lot. I put on "Burt's Bees Lip Balm" today, and had a million images from the past passed through my mind's eye. It was bittersweet, you know? Sad, but refreshing. Well, I have a test to take. Maybe I'll write later, I've been busy moving myself, and being lazy and not lazy. "We both love to talk... and not talk... ...We could talk or not talk forever... Mmhm." By the way. Note to self, say "e-gad" more. I used to say it, or at least write it. I guess I forgot...

Well, well. I don't have too much to say this evening. I only had to work for three hours today. It was great. The reason being because I had dinner with a friend who's in town. She lives in Tibet, and is visiting for a while. Probably one of the most magnificent people I know. Still not moved in. But that's okay with me. It'd be nice, though. Last night was very refreshing. I had a very pleasent evening with some people I have never hung out with, and I enjoyed their company tremendously. Much laughter was had by all. It's nice to meet people who can talk about the same things that I do, and have the same passions as well. It was just a good night had, after a shitty day. Not because anything extremely bad happened, but I'm kicking birth control, and my hormones are going crazy, and not in a good way. Realizing that you aren't at all yourself because of a substance, and not being able to do anything about it is terrible. Believe me. School is coming along quite well. I seem to be becoming more responsible by the day. I'm going to class and doing my work now. That's a plus. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, however. Class at 10am, leave early to go to work at 11:45, but I'm working front, so hopefully I'll make a few extra bucks, which I'll promptly spend on cigs. Off work at 1:30pm, yeah, we close at 1:30, to re-open at 4pm... Work at 4, until 10, and then go babysit, which is fine. I don't mind at all because the kid will be asleep by then anyway. The strange problem is that I don't want to be payed, so I'm going to have to think of something tricky to say. I think I know what I'll say, though, so I'm sure it won't be too hard. Then the party begins at around 1:30 or so. Not really, I'll probably just walk around and smoke and think. I'm pretty good at those things. Probably better at smoking than walking. Ha. Okay, bed now. Oh wait, I came up with a conclusion that seems good. It pertains to hanging out with people I don't really know. I concluded that this is the best way to go about things. Not getting too connected to anyone. Maintaining friendships but avoid bonding. That's my rule. I don't know about rule, but it seems like a safe idea. That way things won't ever get messy or weird. There won't be any drama or shit to deal with. Not because I just don't give a fuck, but because those things won't come up if I am always mixing up who I hang out with. That's the ideal anyway, what I hope for. Because last night was just a good time, and nothing sucked about it. I didn't even really know these people except from brief interludes and such. Jokes and laughter, that was it, and it was beautiful. Because I think, when you become too close or connected or whatever, things get intimate and ew. That's all I have to say about that. It's hard to get sick of people you rarely chill with. Even though I'd like to get to know some a little better, I'll still maintain my distance. Maybe it'll work. or maybe this is just adolecent Megan coming up with dumb ideas. But I'm sure eventually she'll figure it out. Until next time...

That sounds stupid. Let's see... I think I had it right with "Okay, bed now."

Man, I really think there is something that music does to your brain. Right now I'm listening to TOOL cover No Quarter (for the record, I like both versions for differing reasons) and I'm in some kind of crazy music trance. Anyway, today seems like a huge waste, now that I reflect on all that I've done. Today was one of those days where you remember that a few months ago you thought you were on the verge of some transformation or just a simple change or something, then realize that nothing has happened yet. Locked in a place where no one goes. I can't write at the moment. Sorry.

SOME say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I?ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice

Robert Frost. I like this poem a lot. I'm feeling pretty shabby. It bothers me that whenever I come here, to write out my mind, it's always about how I feel this or that. It would be nice to simply write something profound, that has completely nothing to do with me and my so called "feelings." But it just so happens that I am always in some mood, and think/feel that if I was not to write it down, something would be lost to my ever changing mind. In that I mean I wouldn't be learning from myself and progressing as an individual. Sometimes I think that if I were to write out whatever it is that I'm thinking/feeling, it might help me sort out my thoughts and come up with some conclusion. I'm just feeling horribly horrible right now, and should probably just go to bed and distance myself from any sort of introspective thoughts. But sometimes I just can't resist a good write. The two prominent muscles running up the back of my neck are very tense right now. I've been so restless since about 5pm tonight. I haven't been able to be at peace on my day of rest. Seems like a waste. Hm. I bet that every individual feels like the center of the universe. Not that it can be helped, all you have is your own mind. You sort of have to feel that way. I wish I didn't. I hate that I can only think of my thoughts and opinions. Does that make sense. I don't think so. See, I don't think that makes sense, but maybe someone else does. ...But I do think it makes sense because I wrote it... Anyway, the moral of the story is that I had this dream last night, and I'm just remembering it now. It took place in this large room, almost like a warehouse. I was in there, rummaging around through all these thousands of boxes. They were boxes belonging to thousands of people. I knew some of the people the boxes belonged to. One box was my brother Blake's. And for some reason he was off at war, and I didn't know if he was dead or not, so I started sobbing because I was terrified that he was dead. I believe it turned out that he wasn't, but by the time I figured that out I was to preoccupied with being chased by this bear. I was in this house trying to barricade myself in; sticking refrigerators in front of doors and such. It was very strange. I'm just thinking about that room with all the boxes in it. It was all dirty and old. I was just looking through all this stuff. My dreams are very emotional. That particular dream was extremely terrifying. With bears and brothers dying and such. Weird. I am still having dreams where I cut all my hair off, too. It usually all happens in different ways, once I was electrocuted and my hair started falling out, so I just shaved my head, and another time I was in Pittsburgh and just started chopping my hair off with these blunt scissors. Sometimes I'm euphoric that I cut it off, and other times I just start crying. I feel very alone right now. All night I've felt like I should spend time alone, but I've desperately wanted to be talking to people. I'm so bizarre. I wish I could just figure it out. Or not care. I was reading this article tonight about committing suicide, which to editorialize, said that everyone should contemplate suicide to know what it feels like and to understand why people feel that way. Suicide is a tricky thing. When I've been at a peaceful place in life, and have taken the chance to look back on my younger days when I was suicidal and masochistic, I think about how silly that was, how it didn't make much sense them or now, and how I'd never go back there again because life is beautiful now, I often forget that depression is an addictive crutch. That when you want to die, it isn't simply because things suck, it's because of this horrible realization that life is pretty much futile. And people have told me that if they were thinking about killing themselves, they would just leave where they were and start over in some new place. I thought that for a while too, but that isn't the point either, when you have that horrible realization, a change of scenery isn't the answer. Getting it over with is the answer. I know this all sounds really futuristic, but I get this way at night when I'm all by myself, so bear with me. The fact is that you get trapped, and when things don't pick up, it gets hopeless and just seems like a giant waste of time, your time and everyone elses?, so you end it. This is weird. I read too many essays tonight. I feel like I'm stating to write one. The moral of the story kids, is that when you aren't living for anything and nothing is living for you, except yourself, you feel like it's just time to check out. Gotta go. Thanks. The other moral of the story is that being, or feeling alone, sucks. So once again, I wish I was a housecoat, and wasn't going to a school I hate, and had a decent job, and didn't live in ohio, and was beautiful, and had people who understood me. Maybe I just create this scenario in my own mind. And maybe I'm just having a pity party here. Yeah, well, no one's invited, so take your grab bags and get the fuck out. Because it's my fuckin' turn to blow my fuckin' horn and tell the world that I hate it and the majority of it's inhabitants. Especially the one's who talk about them goddamn selves' all the time. And no, that doesn't include me because I'm am on a computer writing to myself, not blabbing my life story to you in person. You chose to read this!!! This blog is not called "Read This Because I Said You Have To, Or Else!!!" And even if it was you still wouldn't have to read it. Anyway. That sentence took so long to write, what with the italicized words and all that I forgot what I was saying... Yes, so I don't know what I was talking about, let me reread... Oh, well I think I've said all I need to about that for now. Except the thing about the people who talk about themselves all the time! Man, oh, man, I know that all you really have to talk about is in fact yourself, BUT that doesn't mean that you can't stop for one fucking second and ask a bloody question or nod your fucking head. Augh! Okay done. But Jimi has a few words to say first:

Manic Depression's touching my soul,
I know what I want,
but I just don't know how to go about getting it.

Feeling, sweet feeling
drops from my finger, fingers
Manic Depression's captured my soul.

Woman so willing the sweet cause in vain,
you make love,
you break love,
it's-a all the same when it's...
when it's over.

Music sweet music,
I wish I could caress, caress, caress.
Manic Depression's a frustrating mess.
Well, I think I'll go turn myself off an' go on down.

Really ain't no use me hanging around.
Oh, I gotta see you.

Today was pretty bad. I'm going to sort of vent now, because I refrain from venting to anyone in person. I have gotten about five hours of sleep in the past 72 hours, and man does that suck. I could never be an insomniac, not full fledged anyway, because I love sleep. It is my haven of sorts. But I haven't had too much sleep as of late, and that makes me a bit cranky. I stayed up last night writting a paper, after having to close at work by myself. Woke up to go to class. Was very late, but I said to myself, "Self, you gotta go to class, it's imperative that you be responsible and don't skip." So I went, and all we did was sit in a pland, grayish room, and listen to this lady tell us how to use a computer. I tried not to sleep, but I couldn't resist. I also tried to make it look like I was in fact paying attention, by sitting up, and cocking my head to one side, so as to look like I was pondering or something, but still managed to fall asleep. I have this genetic tendency to fall asleep in any postion at any time or place, no matter how uncomfortable. Anyhow, somehow I woke up as my prof told us to "give her a hand," and did so. Drove home. Drank chocolate milk. Bad idea, having become lactose intolerant and all. But I couldn't resist the silky smooth taste. Started moving in right away. Did that until I had to work. My friend convinved me to close again. I figured I needed the money anyhow, and closing with this friend wouldn't be so bad because we laugh a lot. Turns out that a few hours later he convinced someone else to close for him, and I was stuck closing with incompitent people. Nice. Go to Grounds on break to hear other people problems. Around 11pm this Christian college group called "cru" With an umlat over the "u," comes in and there are like 40 of them. I do the best I can to help the front girl. We do just fine. The "cru" group is really nice to us. And leave us a $12 tip. Thanks. Oh so much. I decided that I'm just going to tell them that they didn't show much of God's love, and I'm going to tell all my athiest friend that Christians are stingy bastards, and that they should never go to church. That'll hit um where it hurts. Anyhow, work ends around 12:30. I find that I've locked my keys in my car. Walking home to get my other set. Walk past Howards. Hip-hop show I wanted to see. I go in. It was awesome. It really compensated for everything that went wrong today. Friends and fun. And I love seeing people love music. It really makes me a happy person. Because music is what I live for. And I've come to the conclusion that, with the acception of a few genres, I don't mind what music it is, as long as people feel it. Now there are some, such as Brittny Spears or any pop crap that don't count in that conclusion, for, in my mind, obvious reasons. I just like to see people who love music as much as I do. Anyhow, I'm really tired, and having a hard time typing and am misspelling a lot of things, and I don't really care to fix it right now. I'm a bad speller, and I know it. I was always the first one out in the Spelling B's. That reminds me, I need to purchase that Spelling B documentary. It's hilarious. Yes, so signing off...

She was standing in front of the door, shouting some alternate form of English. "She's drunk," I thought to myself, "and I'm hungry." She separates me from my home fries, so I forcefully push her to the side so that I can open the door. The door's locked. I'm confused. "Um, did you just push me?" she slurs at me. "Um, yeah..." I say, still confused. "Do you wanna go?" Go where? Now I'm very confused, and my stomach is still empty. I look inside the Corner Grill at the laughing face of Kelly, one of the waitresses. The drunk girl is wearing a white shirt and has a scar on her nose, yet still maintains a prissy aura. Now I remember her, she's the girl who was at Howard's, sitting at the bar with her tits hanging out. She had called Chris Anderson "sir," which made me scoff. Niki approaches the door, her eyes huge and full of rage. "Why is the door locked?" I'm thinking. And then the pieces fall into place. "Oh, now I get it..." crosses my mind. Niki unlocks the door. Oh thank god. Food now. Niki is on a cell phone, talking to the police. "Do you have any idea who I am?" drunky babbles. "My dad is a big time lawyer in Northwest Ohio!" Niki shows the girl that she's talking to the police. The girl bolts. I get it now. I laugh, find a seat and order my food. Finally.

Okay, so I just came to Owens at 1:45 pm to meet with my African American Studies group, and no one is here. I hate this. Should I just stay here or go home. I have another class at 5 pm. Man, this is aggravating. I've been working my ass off the make money, and it seems like I'm making less than when I don't try. My cats need fixed, but now I have to wait two weeks to get a membership card for planned pethood. And the mandatory membership costs $10. And it's $42 to get one female cat spayed. I hate money. Oh, I guess I'm breaking the rules by not using this computer for Library Research. Ah, well. I'm so agitated right now. I think I'm going to go back home. Even though I don't want waste the gas, scratch that, I just found one of the people in my group...

Last night seemed like a good night to die. I know that sounds weird, but I was very angry at human tendencies. I hate being stuck in my own mind, and having people refuse to listen to me. Not that everything I say is the resolution for everything, but I try to stay as humble as I can, resisting telling people what I'm really thinking. I know I resolved to be an honest person, and hold to that, however, I realize that if you tell someone something they might disagree with or try to tell them they are wrong, the likelihood of them saying, "you know, you're right," is more than impossible. I don't know. I just feel like I shouldn't say anything at all. Because what will it matter if no one is going to listen to your thoughts anyway. No one turns ideas over in their heads before they come up with a conclusion. Everyone claims to be so open minded, but when it really comes down to it, everyone I know that says that is the opposite. I think they mistake having liberal ideas for open mindedness. People can have open ideas, not open minds. Last night was just very awkward for me. In many ways. I just had a hard time coping. I don't know. I drove around for a really long time. Just thinking and listening to music, which is the one thing I am very good at. Anyway, I just bought a very fine bottle of wine, and am going to go drink it in celebration of a friend's twenty-first birthday. Tah.

Augh. I'm kind of at this point at the moment where I'm thinking, "How did this happen again..." This being procrastination. I thought we were sort of through Procrastination! I'm like the abused girlfriend, always running back to what never does me any good. That being procrastination. It's been a good day, it's just now, at 1 am, when I'm realizing that I need to have a paper written tomorrow. I don't know what it's about. So there really isn't anything I can do... It's a group project you see. And group projects and I do not get along. So, I don't know what everyone else in my group is doing. Because, although I called them, they didn't call me until about 7 pm this evening. They live in Toledo. I don't know where. She just left a message telling me to "stop over." I don't blame them. It's me who's at fault here. For being a stupid, slack-ass. I suppose I've been somewhat busy, but I certainly could have found the time if I had tried hard enough. So I guess we'll see how this one plays out. Life is just one adventure after another in the wonderful world of Megan. Ehh, I don't know. Anyway, I know what I'm gonna do, it just a matter of whether it correlates to everyone else's, and if not, will the teacher care. Today I was in fact busy, I had class, went to Lima, and did a radio show. However, the only thing I really truly had to do was go to class. But I'd been planning this Lima thing for weeks, and didn't want to let a friend down, slash, I wanted to go a lot. We went to Lima to go to this fine dining experience. Her dad does these fund-raisers where he cooks exquisite food, and we watch a movie. Fun. Well, to an extent. The food was great, but the atmosphere was less than refreshing. For instance, it was just a bunch of chochy richy riches and their fancy clothes. No ethnic diversity to be seen, just a large group of pretentious white people talking about their money bags. I mean for real, it was weird and uncomfortable. My father works in Lima now though, so her was there. He is the director of this exhibition hall called "Artspace," which is pretty damn cool, but my parents aren't anything like the people I met tonight, and oh man, am I grateful. The group we were sitting with was a couple, and this friend of that couple. Then my parents and my friend. To describe the couple: Older man, maybe just fifty, and she was beautiful and maybe thirty. Love? Unlikely. He's a very rich man, and she was probably the high school nerd. She never laughed at his jokes, and from what I remember, didn't really talk to him at all. He made a few comments, it was awkward. The other man: He lives in Las Vegas, from Minnesota. A doctor of sorts. Comes to Lima about every month. Why? Not sure. I think him and the lady are having an affair. Just speculation. Anyhow, this man was a key expert in the OJ Simpson trial. He apparently is the man at the hospital who tells families that their loved ones are dead. So, the court asked him if OJ's grief response to his wife's death was believable or not. Blah blah blah. The three start talking about when the verdict was about to be passed the rooms in which everyone watched the verdict (on TV) were segregated. And as the innocent verdict was passed the African Americans all nodded, while everyone else gasped. They thought this was well, disgusting. And the pretentious white people across from me shook THEIR heads. Luckily, my mom piped up and made a good point about the bigger picture of things. That of which being, the pigeonhole that society places on minorities, and to not see a black man given the guilty sentence was the issue. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, yes. These people I sat with tonight have never in their lives witnessed poverty. Mommy and Daddy sent them to college and bought their cars and their clothes and their whatever the fuck. That pisses me off. Not that I never had these luxuries, but because they are so ignorant. They've never known what it's like to be just scraping by. To have to do rich people laundry and pull their weeds and do their dishes in order to live. They told my friend, who's father was the chef of the evening, that it must have been nice having such a chef for a father, all these good meals all the time must have been lovely as a child. To which she responded that no, she hadn't enjoyed these things because they didn't have any money. She ate soup from a can and pretzels. What!? I don't understand. Per-ret-zeeleh??? What is this thing you speak of? Yeah, to put it plainly, they didn't get it. Whatever, these are the people who will run our country. These prisses of society. It makes me want to puke. But on a lighter note, I got to be a radio personality tonight. My friend has a show, and asked me to join. Much fun was had. There was even a moment of accidental dead air, so she made me just bullshit for about twenty seconds. I made up this story about wearing a winter coat and flip-flops, and being made fun of, but how I'm a hypocrite because I detest tank-top sweaters. But I never got to finish the story. I said, "Because," and the song started. And I got to picks songs out, too. I picked a song from the Royal Tenenbaums, and Wesley Willis, and The Dead Kennedy's, and I don't know if there was anything else. But it was fun, nonetheless. So, I'm going to go to bed now, but one last story first. So, I'm crossing the street yesterday, it's dark, I'm crossing Wooster, heading down Main. The little man comes up on the screen, and tells me it's time to walk, so I do. I'm walking, listening to my headphones, thinking per usual. Red car. Turning. Towards me. Fast. Screeches on the breaks a foot away from me. I just look at the lady. She looks at me. I keep walking. The weird thing about that story is I didn't flinch. I didn't even bat an eye. I don't understand. I just kept walking. I saw her coming, and just kept walking. So, I suppose it was partially my fault, but inadvertently. Just as much as it was her's. Weird. I just kept on walking. She could have plowed me. Just kept on walking. I just wasn't even thinking about it. I thought she would stop. She didn't, kept walking. I didn't give her a dirty look or the finger. I don't see what that would have achieved. It was just strange. So now it's time for bed.

I was just eating a really delicious apple, and about 15 seconds ago, dropped it on the floor. I'm pissed. Martha is talking to me. She makes this noise that's like a meow/purr in the back of her throat. It sort of sounds like a faint, high pitched Chewbacka noise. Man, what a day. It really has simply been that, a day. A day in the life of Megan Elizabeth, with a few perks. First perk, wearing a huge down (you know, like the goose feathers...) coat. Bright orange. It belongs to a friend of mine, who was going to move to Alaska, bought this righteous, warm coat, didn't go to the Arctic, and presently has this coat just laying around. Enter Megan into that picture. Anyway, wore the coat, which was spectacularly bright and bulky, however, it swished. It reminds me of Seinfeld. George wants that awesome suit, and after many an outwitting with another man of simular stature, gets it, and finds out that it swishes. Fu-nee. I just made Martha freak out and puff up by making this quiet, high pitched noise with my mouth. Yes, so, apart from the coat were just a few funny things that happened. Like paying for a pack of cigs with pennies. And paying for a cup of coffee with pennies. My friend was working so I just put all the pennies on the counter, pushed them towards her with both hands and said, "One cup of coffee, please." What a fuck I am. I think I did well on my Astronomy exam, and got extra points for staying after the test was over. See, I got to class at 5:10 pm, was done with the test roughly by 5:35 pm, and we had to come back to class at 6:25 pm. So I decided to tough it out, and it was worth it. Plus, I got to play with magnets. But I did fall asleep on some couch whilst awaiting the re-convention of class. Anyway, I'm just talking about my day, that's boring. Let's see... Hmmm... I shaved for the first time in a long, long, really fuckin' long time. I was using this lady razor, and it just wasn't doing the job at all. So I found a Mach 3, and yeowza. That sure did the trick. Ever since I decided that waxing my legs would be a good idea, last spring, (it wasn't by the way, never do it) the hair on my legs has grown back in patches. I look so weird and sickly. It's funny though, at least I think so, which probably means that 99% of the world won't think that's funny at all. Note to self: don't tell that story. Yes, so, I am a shaved women I am, and I've never felt better... I even put sensual body oil on my legs, for a silky smooth finish. How lovely. By sensual body oil, I mean Kroger brand. Go me. Yeah, so I'd really like to be moving in to the apartment now. Thanks. Thad be great. I just really need somewhere to chill out that isn?t where I?m living now, or Grounds. Because, just in case no one noticed, I?m there all the fucking time. I'm just now realizing how 12.5 hours ago, I was just getting out of class, and was very relieved. But time has just passed me by, and I wonder what I have achieved today. Class. Went to parents. Bath. Shave. Shower. Eat. Find money. Buy smokes. Buy coffee. Rewrite notes for Astronomy test. Class. Lauren's house. Pizza. Sit with friends at Grounds. On computer. Yeah, that was my day, and by my calculations, all I did that was productive was shave. Man, this post is dull. I suppose I could talk about how pointless life is, but I don't feel like it right now. My brain is sort of fried. Well. Bedtime. And remember kids, if someone makes you mad, just put some shit in a paper bad, light it on fire, set it in front of that stupid person's door, ring the doorbell, find somewhere to hide and watch the fun begin. That's what I'm gonna do this weekend. If anyone wants to help, let me know. There's this stupid man I know, and I want him to step in poop. And he?ll say, "It's poop again!" Even if it's the first time...

I just drove around with my friend for an hour looking for Crybaby Ln. It was a whole lot of funny. We thought we found it at one point. We came to this sign that read "DEAD END no exit" and freaked out a lot. And kept saying "skees skees skees..." There's this song where some guys says that a lot. Anway. I just did a little research. And discovered that it IS in fact on Euler (?) Rd. We are dumb. And scared. I just read a lot of ghost stories and I'm scared now. It reminds me of this dream I had where I was in Mexico or something, and I met this girl. I didn't realize it at first, but soon found out that she was a ghost, after she showed me her grave. She asked me to help her find her mom. So I took her hand, and we looked around. She looked really sad, and had no skin pigment. It was weird. Anyway. I'm unnerved a lot, so I'm going to go crawl in bed with Lauren. I hope she isn't naked. Ighm...

Yeah, so that was weird. I was about to "log in," and I saw this blog that said "Hot Ambercrombie Chick." So I thinks to myself, "Hey self, this oughta be a good laugh." *Click* Up pops pictures of "Amanda." "Hi, I'm a college freshman blah blah blah, I'm a philosophy major, let's talk about welfare." "Oh ya," I'm thinking, "Let us talk about welfare..." And then she turned out to be really smart and beautiful. It was humbling. It was ludicrous. I don't understand. How deceptive. Anyway. That kills me, seeing girls who are as equally intelligent as they are stunningly beautiful. I just think to myself, "That isn't right. No one should be given the full package." I mean come on now. What gives. Can't they have something wrong?! For real. I don't know. I suppose it shouldn?t matter. Comparing yourself to others never leads to any good. No good at all. Hm. I'm exhausted. I sure could go for some fun right now. Not even proverbial fun so much as, as something new. Oh, by the way, I have a plan for what I want to do in life. Yeah, I'm excited. So here's what I'm gonna do: Make films. Or movies, whatever. I was just thinking tonight about how I've made films in the past, and how much I enjoyed every second of it. Every tedious second. Hours and hours of editing were completely worth it. Because the project always got better, every second I was perfecting it. And the final outcome was magnificent. To me at least. I just really enjoy doing that. So that's what I'm going to do. Step one: Get camera. Step two: Get G5. Step three: Make movies. Now that's settled... I should be moved in by this week. Rapture. We're going to have a tuna party. My mom got me 5 lbs. of tuna for x-mas. Not in individual cans either. Oh no. Just one big can, with one big fuckin' fish on the label. Yup. Lenny and Carl are going to be euphoric. Licking their little kitty lips. And they deserve it. Because come this Saturday, their ovaries will be no more. [Insert evil laugh here] No, I really didn't want to take those away from them, but after seeing them in heat, I was grossly disgusted, and they just seemed miserable. I told them the other day that they were going to be inside cats once again. They said "yeay." In cat, of course. "Mew!" That's more like it. Man, I'm so bored right now. Just so goddamn bored. And unclean. Working at a pizza place, you just acquire filth by the minute. And I've worked all day today and yesterday. No shower since. Hm. Disgusting. Well... Hmph. I have a lot on my mind, but I can't really bring individual thoughts to the surface. They?re all just sort of buzzing about. Can?t catch them. Martha is bonkers, I'll tell you that much. I just had a stare down with her about ten minutes ago. I so won. And I think I scared her a lot. Who?s the alpha cat now, bitch. I think it will be nice to have an apartment to go to. A bit more personal, even though I'm living with someone. A place to go and be, instead of Grounds or... Grounds. That's sad. And ever so much more debauchery. Yesss! Looking forward to that. I think what I need right now is time alone, though. Solitary debauchery. A lot. Time a lot alone a lot... By myself. Sometimes I don't like only listening to my brain, but it needs to be done. And no more chicken. I'm quitting chicken, for real this time. Chicken is out! And I'm going to get my lip pierced. And I'm going to be honest all the time. And make friends. And I'm going to run ten miles a day, without stopping. Stay on a low/no carbohydrates diet. Write that novel. Win that nobel peace prize. Save that baby from that well. Eat my Wheaties. Fuck! I'm even going to start a band. And rock out. [cock in, thank you.] For real this time...

So, my friend Lauren was just telling me about how she was staring into her cats face earlier today, and as she gazed, the cat began to look more and more like a human being. This scared the shit out of her, and she proceeded to push the cat forcefully away. She was scared of her cat. Weird. Drama kills me. For real. It kills my brain and my heart. I've been having a really hard time dealing with it lately. Every time I encounter it I just feel like walking away from the people causing it. You know, just leaving. Or I have these thoughts cross my mind while the drama is occurring. They mainly involve me freaking out and screaming and jumping out car doors to escape the annoyance of excess human emotion. Salvation fantasies is what I shall call them. And as my face hits the pavement I'll breath a sigh of relief. I'd like to make more friends. Searching for friends. I've never in my entire life been in a social group. I've never had a "clique" or a steady group of comrades. I don't think I'll ever have that either. I can't tell if that's sad or not. I've just always had Lauren. I think that is more than sufficient. She's the only one who understands the way my mind works. I'm moving in with another lady, and I don't think she knows how bizarre I am. I was joking around with Lauren at work the other day, and she looked at us like we were psychopaths. Is she in for a treat. That was nothing. Lauren and I made up this game this summer that involved pretending to be different people, usually lovers, arguing. We would start screaming at each other, then laugh hysterically. I can't imagine what people watching us thought. It would usually be between two lovers who had drifted apart, and were berating one another. She would say,
"I haven't loved you for years!"
"Well, you know my work keeps us apart. That new archeological dig in Egypt is a big deal, and I have no time for your petty emotions."
"It doesn't matter, I've been seeing someone else."
"Not that sleazy pool cleaner, Lucas."
"Yes, don't act so surprised. It's not anything new."
"You mean..."
"Yes, that's right, we've been together for about three years now, ever since he saved me from that escaped tiger. If you even cared a little you would have known. We leave for Aruba in four days."
"I see. Well, in that case I won't bother to put you in the Will."
"What in God's name do you have a Will for?! You're perfectly well."
"I don't suppose you care, but, well, you see, I'm dying. The doctor says I have a brain tumor the size of a grape fruit. I have about two months to live."
"No..."
"Don't act so sympathetic. I could never believe another word you said after all you just confessed to me."
"It can't be..."
"Well, it is, and you get nothing. You heartless bitch."

That was fun. I'm really tired. Stupid double shift. Stupid no fun that I had tonight. Stupid stupidness of people. Stupid song. What song you mean? Fuckin' bitches at the Holiday Inn. Augh. Get out of my brain. Well, all I have to say is that I... I don't know.

What to do. What to do. Antisocial evenings have been a rarity lately, but tonight I'll stay alone. Friends are with other friends and watching movies with boys. I sit alone. A much needed seclusion. What to do. There's always Grounds. But it's 12 am, which means I'll have to find something interesting elsewhere. Pisanello's. Talk. Tell some stories. I was just here for hours. I'll be on my way now. To Howard's. Picture this: Man in forties, wearing a silk shirt with yellow and orange flames, thick mustache, not proportional to large face and huge bonch. He dances alone. He plays air guitar to the blues music that's blaring from the stage. Air Guitar. He's drunk and hilarious. Must contain laughter. Can't stop staring at this large man playing air guitar. The music is just what I needed. A hippy dances in the corner. A release for him. He lets his hair down, and beats his hands on the wall. Getting something out of his system. A middle aged woman goes crazy on the frets of a guitar. Makes it sound like a violin. Makes it sound like it's backwards. Makes me smile. She was damn good. It's 2 am. Talk to my friends older sister for two minutes. She looks and talks just like my friend. I'd like to tell her, but she already knows. I'm sure she's heard it a million times. But it's so uncanny. I'm wearing sandals. Walk to the Grill. My usual booth. People swarm in. I can't stop staring again. Fat man with a tattoo on his left arm. He's wearing a denim, sleeveless shirt. His arms are flabby. What is he trying to be. A man with a small head chews with his mouth open. I start looking at people's teeth. They're all so different in every mouth. Weird. People are really pouring in. Should I move. I know if I ask Niki will tell me not to. It's always nice to have just one sane booth she says. Someone quiet and keeping to themselves. Only coffee to refill every once and again. A man with black gloves and a black shirt approaches. Mumble mumble. No they aren't trying to tell me to move. It's him and a girl. You two can sit here if you want. They do. Brian and Tina. She plays volleyball, he has a degree in Marketing. They met on the internet. She's going to be a math teacher. He lives in Ann Arbor. She, in Bowling Green. They met on the internet. We talk. It's beautiful. I don't have a clue who these people are, I'll never see them again. He wants to marry her, start a family, get a dog. White. Picket. Fence. The home fries are good. Extra crispy? Sure. They'll do that. They choose to stay and sit with me. She does this thing where she smiles and sticks her tongue out, and sort of bites it. Interesting. Does she think it's cute? Does Brian? It's takes forever to get their food. They finally eat. I have a smoke and tell Pat, the cook, about my new "friends." Brian and Tina leave. I wish them luck, and the best life has to offer. Brian tells me to keep writing. I wonder if they'll get married. Have kids. A dog. A fence. I'll never see them again. Strange. I'm at the computer. I start thinking:

What a great night. So full of wonderful interludes. I'm wondering a lot. About myself. I hate feeling like people are laughing at me. Part of me says, "Who the fuck care?" The other says, "I do." I wish so many things right now. I wish: I wasn't so talkative, I was in a different place, I could make new friends, Lenny and Carl were here, I was moved into my apt, I didn't say that I would work a double shift tomorrow, I was stunning, I could figure it out. Life, what do you have to offer me? I keep getting parking tickets. That's what pennies are for. I was thinking today, about how attractive boys are attractive, but full of themselves because they know their attractive. So that's out. Ugly boys are, well, ugly. I like the boys in the middle. The one's who have learned to depend on their mind instead of their face. Overtime, they become the most attractive. I smell like Grill. Ew. My brain hurts. Time for bed. Stupid brain. I'm beginning to think that's I have two parts of my brain that work against each other. I just wish I could figure it out. Know what to think all the time. Know when to stop. Mind reading would be a horrible gift to have. I'm glad no one can read minds. However, sometimes, I think people can. I get really paranoid about it. Someone will react a certain way after I think something, and I'll think, "What if they're reading my thoughts... I know, I'll think something horrible about them, like they smell like english muffins, and if they look up at me, with a strange look on their face, I'll know, that they can read my mind." Either I'm completely wrong, or those mind readers are really good at keeping control over themselves. I smell like Grill and many many Cigarettes. Man, sleep now. I wish I didn't care about what people thought. That's my last rant. I don't really care, but I'd really like to know. I try to be an honest person, but people really don't like that at all. They could at least appreciate it, don't ya think. Man, why can't we all just be honest. I think I'll get my lip pierced next Thursday. And by the way, it turns out that it's FebRuary, not Febuary. Coulda fooled me. Damn. Let's write something thoughtful to end this with... a resolution. I hate those. To sing at Howard's. That would be very cool. I think........ And I guess that's all that counts.

Passenger

hear I lay
still and breathless
just like always
still I want some more
mirrors sideways
who cares what's behind
just like always
still your passenger
chrome buttons, buckles and leather surfaces
these and other lucky witnesses
now to calm me
this time won't you please
drive faster
roll the windows down
this cool night air is curious
let the whole world look in
who cares who sees anything
I'm your passenger
I'm your passenger
drop these down then
put them on me
nice cool seats
there to cushion your knees
now to calm me
take me around again
don't pull over
this time would you please
drive faster
roll the windows down
this cool night air is curious
let the whole world look in
who cares who sees what tonight
roll these misty windows down
to catch my breath again
and then go and go and go
just drive me home then back again
here I lay just like always
don't let me
go take me to the edge


This is one of my favorite songs. Deftones. And Maynard. I'm in a really weird mood. I think it's time to mix things up a bit. Make some changes. Which reminds me. I keep having this dream where I'm cutting all of my hair off, or shaving my head. It weirds me out. Sometimes, after the sheering, I feel a release, other times I start crying. That's one of the only dreams that has made me ponder whether or not it had meaning. When I was about seven years old, and my family lived on Prospect, I remember standing in the bathroom on a stool, and staring at myself in the mirror for what seemed like hours. All I kept thinking was that I'm a human being, an individual, and how bizarre that feeling was. I still do that. Life is a strange thing. I don't think I'll ever figure it out. Not ever. I can't think right now. Saturn comes back around. To show you everything. Let's you choose what you will or will not see again. Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again. Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

All work and no play makes Megan a pissed off lady. But I do need the cash. The kittens need their ovaries removed and their shots injected, my car is about 2500 miles over the suggested oil change schedule limit thing, and someone is going to have to start paying rent in about a week. Oh ya, that's me. Those are about all my "needs" right now. That and the required amount of daily coffee that keeps me stable. Oh stability through drugs. I hate new years resolutions. I think they're pointless. For the majority, they last about a week, a month max. I hate TV sometimes. I wish there were some way to make your TV play only the shows you wanted to watch, all the time. I would program mine to play The Daily Show, The Simpsons, Strangers with Candy, Clarissa Explains it All (Fergface, ha!), Rocko's Modern Life, The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Looney Toons, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Brak Show, Space Ghost Coast to Coast/Cartoon Planet, Harvey Birdman... Wow, there are a lot of shows I enjoy, and I'm getting tired of listing them. Maybe TV is more important then I thought... Hm. I think my first child, if it be of the male variety, shall be named Calvin. There aren't hardly enough Calvins. And I always loved Calvin & Hobbes. Oh, that silly boy, who uses words I don't understand sometimes. When will he learn. Or maybe, when will I learn. (sigh) Anyway, yes, I just wrote a paper on some speech of George W.'s, and I'm exhausted. Stupid English muffin boy not closing for me. Whatta punk. I'm getting bored. It's always the same thing. When is life gonna mix it up for me. When I move to Pittsburgh, that's when. I've often thought that if I was friends with Conan O'brian then I wouldn't have a care in the world. Maybe I'll give him a call, and see if he wants to be my friend... I'm thinking about getting my lip pierced. Maybe that'll shake things up. The only problem with that is my friend was thinking about doing the same. The problem lies in the crazy minds of women. If I was to get it pierced, before or after her, she'd say, "Awesome," but mean, "You idea stealing bitch." And the problem there lies in the fact that she would probably be the millionth person to get her lip pierced. Unbeknownst to her... Ugh, stomach making crazy noises. Maybe I just need to watch The Royal Tenenbaums again. I wish summer was here. Now, thank you. Then I'd feel better. I'd feel like a million bucks. Two million. I just need to shed some weight. Like 40lbs. Then I'll be as happy as a clam. Assuming that clams are always happy, even when being eaten. That reminds me, the phrase "out of your cotton-pickin' mind." Where does that derive from. Racial slur? Maybe. I think it all begins with a slave named Jeffery, who decided to escape one night, and told his friend Barnebus, to which Barnebus replied, "Are you out of your cotton-pickin' mind?!?!?!?" That's what I think. Well, bed is calling. I probably had a million other random things to say, but they just aren't coming to the surface at the moment. Why do I even write, though. What am I achieving? The only thing I find in these rants is more crazy in my brain. Well, at least I'm not crazy yet. Maybe that's what it's doing for me. Helping me sort, like a filing cabinet. This way all my thoughts aren't bottled up in my head, so I don't start screaming and yelling and throwing and breaking things, like a crazy would do. I feel like doing that sometimes.

So irritated. Ugh. I hate how fast the world moves. How I have to run all over the place sometimes. And how people aren't courteous. I think maybe they want to be, but they don't want to look stupid. Too self oriented. I hate cars. I hate having to buy gas. I hate having to drive for a half hour to get to class everyday. And then having to look for a parking spot. I just hate all this daily bullshit. I'd like to enjoy myself. And I try to not let all this bother me, but it accumulates and then I just can't takes no more. I wish I was a cat. And just sat around all day. Playing with pieces of string. Eating catnip. That would be the life. Stupid cats, having it made and all. At any rate, it's a very lovely day. The sun is shining, and I'm getting my kerotein. I don't know how to spell that. If I had a dog I would name it "Spunky." I miss Rocko's Modern Life. Oh, and the guy that I work with that smells like English Muffins got fired. No more muffin cravings. And I like crosswords a lot.

I was going to bed, but then I thought, "Hey, I'll catch up on reading people's blogs." And it was disapointing to say the least.

Well. That was dramatic. Sometimes I amaze myself. But anyway, the past is in the past, so let's move on to greater things. Like the solution. Pittsburgh is the solution. I am going to move there. Away from the monotony of this town. Apart from that, I don't know. All I can think about right now is sex. I'm sure everyone has heard the "fact" that every human thinks about sex every 6 seconds. Well, that's probably true. I'd like to assume that no one is going to read this, so I will continue. And in the event that there are in fact people reading this... I'm not going to apologize or anything, because you probably want to hear what I am going to say, not because you think it might be profound or anything, just because I mentioned the word sex. Anyhow, yes, What is it about sex that is so... That's a stupid thought, but I can tell you what sucks about sex, bladder infections. Man oh man. There is nothing in the world that exceeds them in annoyance and agony. They are probably the worst thing that could happen to a girl. They ultimately control you for about 3 days. Relentlessly. And when you think they are gone... BAM! They aren't, and come back in super mega full force. Sometimes I debate whether or not I would pass up sex if I knew it would result in a bladder infection. Oh yeah, and then there's pregnancy. Which is funny, because that's pretty much the idea behind sex, to get pregnant. If you ignore the perks and all. Think about it, that's really all that sex is for: making babies. In a matter of speaking that is of course. Dolphins and humans are the only two animals that have sex for pleasure, or so I've heard. Anyway. I'm tired. So, I'm gonna go to bed. There is something that I probably cherish more then sex however, which is just sleeping next to someone. That's probably my most favorite thing in the world. There's just something about it. I don't know. Bed.

Subject to change and transition. As much as I love these things, to a larger extent they are certainly the most painful aspects of life. I am completely and utterly numb. The only emotion running through my body right now is grief. The only word that runs through my mind is "alone." So this is what I've been yearning for, emptiness. Well, Megan, was it what you had hoped it would be? I really didn't hope for anything except independence. That has been the major theme of my life for the past two years, what I've been constantly striving for. This sense of self. But now I see what I've done, and it doesn't feel productive at all. Did this really just happen, because everything feels like a dream right now. I'm seeing life so differently, as if I'm in a fishbowl, staring out at everyone else. I don't feel like part of the living anymore. I feel dead. I feel empty and alone. I don't want anything. Except peace, which is millions of miles away. I am a ghost. Or at least, that's how I feel. Like nothing at all. Like I have nothing inside me. But here I am, taking breaths, blinking, typing. Is this what I wanted all this time? A feeling of voidedness. It's funny how life plays tricks like this on your emotions. One minute you want out, and when you feel the cold air and become aware of the emptiness and nakedness that you have placed yourself in, you despritely want back inside. Funny. All I can think to do is write at the moment. That's all my mind knows how to do. I just ripped my own heart out. I just killed myself. For what purpose. I don't want anything, except what I had, but I wasn't even happy with that, so what's the point??? These are the moments... I don't even know what's going on right now. Here I am, in this town full of so so many people, and yet I still feel so alone. The world has become something that doesn't interest me anymore. People walk by, I see them, but they aren't really there. Because it doesn't matter anymore. There's no point. I'm all alone. All alone. Even though you tell yourself that you have people, all it really comes down to is you and your brain. Friend or foe? I can't tell. I have never in my life, although short, felt this empty and futile as a human being. Because I don't want anything anymore. Not a damn thing. Except to be happy again, like I used to be. Nothing was too much. It was warm. It was a happy time. And now I can't stop the tears and I think I should go to bed.

I must say, seeing a cat without a collar is refreshing and freeing. Martha has had this stupid flee collar on for months, and I am possitive it doesn't work. So I just took it off. Oh, not to mention, it smells nasty. Like baby powder. I hate that smell. There's this new guy I work with named "Mike," and he smells like English muffins. It drives me nuts because I really like English muffins, but I don't much like him. I get really hungry when I'm standing next to him on pizza line. It's strange. I think Martha is relieved to not be wearing that pointless and unfashionable collar. Maybe she'll be a bit less crazy now. Yeah, so, I was at work the other day, and everyone is sick and coughing, with the exception of this one man named Bradley. B-rad. Yeah, and he says something to the affect (effect?) of, "There's so much coughing in this pizza place, it's like we're working in the mines or something." So I retort, "Yeah, we've all got pizzalung." And I thought it was very clever. But I find that I'm really weird, and people don't do well with weird sometimes. It doesn't compute with them, and makes me want to be normal and pretentious like everyone else or something. But I like saying what I'm thinking. For instance, I told that Mike character that he smells like English muffins. I don't know. Sometimes I just think life would be easier if I never talked at all. Just kept to myself, and didn't say much. Because people just don't get it. I really don't think it's me who's so daft and clueless. But I'm pretty sure that's what everyone thinks. It's a funny thing. I'm really hard on myself because of the way I look, and I think that really takes a toll on the capability of my mind. I think I have a wonderful mind. A creative mind. A wise mind. Sometimes I feel very old. I'm not trying to sound full of myself, I just need to be reminded. And very very few people can do that for me. Remind me of these things. Not many people know how. The majority of the world's occupants are far too focused on themselves. Hm. I had the craziest dream last night. It was distubingly, strangly beautiful. It wasn't as vivid as most. Maybe it had to do with me listening to ambient music on repeat all last night, I don't know. I think that may have had an effect (affect????). Anyhow, I was walking down the street, jaywalking I believe, and if I remember correctly, all these people were running around in a frenzy, and this older policeman grabbed me and threw me onto the ground. He was holding me down and staring into my face, shining this flashlight into my eyes, seeing if I was on Drugs. I freaked and started screaming at him to lay off, and quit treating me like some stoner hippy. Then it became weird and fast. Somehow in that ten second span he found out that I had done drugs because he did a hair test. So I started running and running, away from these officers of the law. Sidenote: I find that I'm either my ideal self or worst self (in terms of my figure) in my dreams, never the way I am. I think that has something to do with my selfconcept. Anyhow, I get to this gas station, and I've got to hurry before they find me. I buy some coffee, a lot of coffee if I recall correctly, and jelly beans, or maybe they were Mike & Ikes. I love those. I'm getting all this stuff because I have to leave, and travel for a really long time to escape these police. And I asked this random man for help in the gas station. He was really tall. And helped me carry the things I had purchased. The next part I don't really remember. Then I'm in these woods, these scary woods, dark and brown. And I find this old woman who's been expecting me. She opens this door, and in front of me appears this white staircase. This place is like a paradise of sorts, and I'll be safe in there. Everything is pure and white and beautiful. I just remember feeling whole. Then I realized that these men where still after me, and they had found this paradise and were coming inside. I think that was the end of the dream. It was just emotionally strange. Everything felt very odd and overwhelming. I enjoy my dreams for the most part. They're very interesting to me, and the majority of my friends. I don't know. I wish I understood them better. And by that I don't mean I wish I could interpret them. Because I really think that the majority of what you dream deals with what you saw during the day, and what was filtered into your subconscious throughout your waking hours. I just don't understand how they take form. How they make stories, still incorperating what you saw or heard, but at the same time maintaining a sense of originality that you yourself didn't come up with. Strange. I can't write anymore tonight. I'm feeling very unnerved. And it's late.

People are funny things. Sometimes I don't feel like a human being. I feel like I'm just watching these ugly looking animals that don't make any sense half the time. Like I'm a housecat. Just watching. Speaking of housecats, mine just fell off the couch. Oh, Martha... Anyway. I find that half the time, all I'm ever doing is watching, observing these creatures scampering, prowling all over the place, doing crazy things, and speaking this language that boggles my mind. For-shizzle???? Wha? I wonder if I'm crazy. Sometimes I feel like I'm a lot different compaired to everyone else. But at the same time, considering the fact that we are all on center stage/in the spotlight of our own lives, I'll bet that I'm just as boring as the next person. I'd like to think otherwise. I'd like to think that I'm interesting, that people think of me as something unique. But in the long run, I suppose it really doesn't matter anyway. Soon enough I'll get cancer, die, and be six feet under, forgotten by all. That's really depressing. Hmmm. Yeah, that's really really depressing. Yet, at the same time, I'm living a life. I'm a part of this big crazy world, and I'm just lumped into this big group of possible consumers. The only people who really care are companies it seems. For instance, the cigarette companies. Will I buy there cigarettes? They sure hope so, make some profit, a "replacement smoker" for my father. I hate this sense of mortality that I get. This sense of gradual death and decay. Like what the fuck does anything matter. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna be forgotten. I'm in this split second of time, which is pretty much ordinary. It makes me not give a fuck about myself. But at the same time, There are people I love, and they are all I have in life, and soon enough they will be part of the soil I stand on. As far as the things I own, I couldn't care less, as far as I go, I don't even know what I think about that. All that really matter are the people I love. It almost makes me wish I didn't care about anyone, not even myself for that matter. Life. Augh. I hate thinking the way I do sometimes. Stupid winter not helping. Sometimes it just seems like nothing will ever help me, and no one will ever get me. I've been practically alone in my own mind my whole life, and I suppose it just might stay that way forever. Wow, I'm being really introspective and depressing. Let's see...kitties are nice, and, yeah, kitties does it for me. If there is anything that keeps me going, it's kittens. They sure are cute.

Oh media...when will you learn. I find that whenever the TV is on, I don't hear what I'm supposed to hear. Sometimes I don't hear anything at all. Not in the sense that I'm zoned out, and everything is slipping into my brain subconsciously, but I see mouths moving, and it's all the same shit. And then there's Dave Chappelle. Oh man, I just watched this sketch about a "racial draft" and it was really funny. He slays me. Especially his white man impersionation. So, I just got a tattoo this Sunday. I like it a lot. People keep asking me what it represents, which is funny, because it was really just a doodle in my notebook that I thought was cool. And they say, "Oh, so it doesn't mean anything important to you?" And I say, "Nope." I think they think that's stupid. But the way I see it, yeah, I could get something emotional or whatever, but I don't really have anything like that. Maybe I could have done some research on Norway, and found some cool image pertaining to my heritage, but what would that really mean? Sidenote, Joan Rivers is frightening. Anyway, yes, so my tattoo is a simple cymetrical design, it has no specific meaning, and I like it a lot. I plan on getting many more all over my back. I just want a beautiful, inticate design. I have ideas, which I'll eventually put on paper. It'll be reminicent of hema. I'm taking my mom to get a tattoo on her 50th birthday this March. She wants something Celtic. I said, "Mom, you aren't Irish or anything." She agreed and told me she didn't care, she just liked the look of Celtic knots and crosses. When my friend Lauren turns 18, I'm taking her to get some of her mom's artwork tattooed on her left breast. Her mom died of breast cancer twelve years ago. I think it's gonna be really cool, and hott. I thought it would be corney at first, but I find that it's really expressive and beautiful. All she has left of her mother, and all she has really ever known of her, is her artwork. So I think it'll be an honerable way to remember her mother. It'll make something beautiful out of a tragic loss. Tattoo's are kind of like sex. You get it once, and you can't wait to get more. Man, you know, I hate when I'm about to say something in a conversation, and I get out a syllable or two, and the person I'm talking with interups me to say whatever the hell is that they wanted to say that's oh so much more important. Or when I tell someone something, and they say, "Well, I wouldn't do it that way, I would do it my way." And I didn't even ask for their fucking opinion in the first place. Wow. Well, I'm going to bed now. Maybe there won't be school again tomorrow.

For the most part, that is, with the acception of a few, music videos primarily suck a lot. People have such an opportunity to make really interesting and beautiful visual references to their songs, but 98% of the time they fail. I absolutely hate hate hate videos where you are simply watching the band or someone singing, who I might add is quite obviously dubbed, which I suppose it somewhat necessary, but with out a doubt obvious. I would much rather see something creative and, maybe subject to interpretation. Right now I'm watching a video where this man is singing into the camera while simultaneously having naked sex with some random chick. Yeah. Not to mention he keeps changing his clothes! Ah! Wonderful, now it's the memorable Justin Timberlake. Look, he wants to be like Michel Jackson. All these fabulously beautiful women hanging on him. Women certainly objectify themselves. Man, nothing is original anymore. Every song I hear on the radio, every "new" band I hear sounds just like the next. When will it kick in for everyone. Oh yeah, never, because that's jst not going to happen. Frusterating.

Man, what to say... School has re-convened. I had my Astronomy class today. My prof is probobaly in his mid-seventies, was wearing a bright yellow cartigan, all buttoned, the hair that he had was properly slicked to his head and parted to the side, he sported a hankerchief, and had a fitting old man hunch. He was really dull, but overwhelmingly amusing. He reminded me of that telastronomer with the crazy hair and the nerdy voice. I appriciate the fact that he is very passionate about his teachings. He laughed a lot, after telling us some random fact. For instance, we were talking about Galileo, and he got really excited about trying to make us guess what Galileo's true, worldly profession was, then enthusiastically stated that Galileo had been the head of the coin minting company in his day, which was a great job, so he didn't want to loose it over showing his support of the heliocentric theory!!! After class I asked him a really silly question, but for some reason I had never thought about it before, so I had to know. My question was relating to the seasons; I asked him if it was summer on the other side of the world right now. I felt really stupid for asking it, but I have never really payed (paid...? I don't....know) much attention to those things, so I was ignorant and curious. He got really excited that I had asked anything at all, and began shaking his head violently and saying "Yes, yes it is!!!" I'm really excited about that class now. It's funny because it deals with geometry and physics a lot, things I have never been too good at, but my mind hasn't worked with those subject matters in quite a while, so it is nice to have those gears turning again. I have a new, fresh handle on them. And I love the stars, so this should be pretty fun. The history part I can deal with just fine. I'm excited to learn about the moon cycles and the zodiac's relationship to astronomy. Zodiac means "little animals" by the way. The more you know...

It's been a little while, but I'm writing again. I've been writing in this handy little notebook that I carry around with me, so I haven't had use for the computer lately. The exception of which being "web-registering" for my classes this semester, which has been painfully difficult. I've been out a lot too. Not doing anything, just out. I haven't really been able to sleep well until last night, where I slept from 12am until 1:30 today, and I certainly would have slept longer if I hadn't been awakened by my friend. She didn't really startle in me into alertness so much as the shirt she was sporting. It had Winnie the Pooh (What the hell is a "pooh"? I don't understand) and Tigger on it, and they were wearing "Santa hats" and the words "Merry Christmas" read below them as they seemed to dance. Weird and ugly. So the first thing I groggily said this morning was, "Where the hell did you get that shirt?" It was the epitome of everything I hate in clothing. Almost everything. I suppose if it were a sweatshirt or velvety material I might have abhorred it more. Anyway, everything is pretty much well with me. I've been really depressed this week. Just lonely and horribly bored with this town. But I'm going out of town tomorrow, and I'm hoping to go to Pittsburg this Monday, so maybe that will be refreshing. Let's hope so.

My final exam starts in about 40 minutes. That means it'll all be ovre soon. And I can sleep like a bear in hybernation. Oh Man, I am tired and hurty. Body is rejecting itself and I feel like shit. Assuming that since shit is generally disgusting, it feels really miserable all the time. 39 minutes. Better go.

But I suppose maturity levels have nothing to do with acting like a child. By acting like a child I mean, playful and happy. There is something depressing about striving to be percieved as older. Maybe people just act that way because they are that way. But pretentious people bother me like nothing else. Where's the fun? I can see it, but it doesn't seem too enticing to me. Where's the laughter? With the exception of that towards others who are less than brilliant. We act so smart. Like we know so much, and we are so interesting and thoughtful, analitical and open-minded. We are adults who know all. Why can't people just let go of all that every once in a while. By that I don't mean any sort of sedative either. Honestly, we all know how to act old, and with that in mind, and the fact that we do act old when we need to, why can't our minds race and our laughter echo. Everyone has to act proper. But I think that it's those people who, although seem to be "getting it right" in their own minds, are the ones who are missing the point entirely. And that point is living. Chosing to fret instead. Chosing to settle. Chosing to waiste a precious life. Growing old and realizing that all that time they spent worrying about doing or saying the right thing, acting the right way, presenting themselves as responsible, mature adults was a horrible waiste of time and effort. Maturity and dignity aren't the issue, having a good time and realizing your age is what should be considered. Where's the humility anymore? No one can admit to their wrongs. No one can take a step back and see where they fell. It's all about fitting in. Ya right.

In a feeble attemt to regain any peace that she once had, she started to type again. Thinking about nothing and everything. Had she really been to work that night, and talked to the strangest people, and come to all those conclusions? I think so. There wasn't much to say anymore. It had all been said, and was about to be revised and listened to, but all was lost, and turned into a box in the corner of the screen. The issues that were touched were that of a man, acting the part of a child, even though, in all reality, he still was one. But we excellerate the maturing process so much these days. Well, not everyone, but those who see it do. A world were the children hate childhood. Striving to something new. Pushing for the possition of the wise, but posessing no wisdom. He was a child. His eyes were those of a child, wandering and hopeful. Or maybe he had managed to hold onto those feelings and dreams, whereas we have all been raped of those. You won't see these eyes sparkle any longer. But what was he doing? Where was he, and how had he managed to get here? And at the same time I saw in the face next to me something grand. I can't think to explain it now. But I've found that there is somthing that people must do to achieve affectionate reconition in my heart. I can't think of what it is. But tonight I realized it in the eyes of a friend. Eyes that poured out a connection that I recieved and sent back with warmth. So now I see it clearly, and the vail has been lifted, and revealed a clear night sky. I'll make sense later. Now's not the time.