{ mess. }

i'm a mess. very tired. probably hung over. because i'm an alcoholic. come on now megan. get it together. must find secret place to hide in. i have a stupid meeting at 9:15. but i really just want to crawl back in bed. or at least change out of the crazy clothes i am wearing. i'm sporting two very different and very intense patterns. this sucks. for no reason except than because i do. not making sense. been very self-deprecating as of late. feeling lost. need solitary adventure. and a sandwich. oh man. my body feels so acidic right now. heart burn.

{ wearing white to the wedding. }

today meant work. plans for the Great Reformation of myself. as i walked to the bar, in order to continue my long, unending farewell to whiskey, a man quickly past beside me, announcing, "passing on your left." as he continued up the sidewalk, he approached a large bush to his right. lackadaisically, he extended his right hand and gently brushed the outermost leaves with his fingertips. not thinking twice. just doing what delighted old men do.

in the bar i sat, and ordered a bourbon. it happened that this same man found the stool next to my own. slight in stature, and dressed like a man his age, baseball cap, short-sleeved, button-up orange plaid shirt, khaki's shorts, each one side too big, and sneakers, he sat and said, "you probably hate me..." in a slightly jovial manner.

+

you are a lamb. shepherded away.
betrothed to a will.
these days are meant for doing.
for seeing truth and speaking justice.
the world is filled with ravenous wolves.
i am a loyal servant.
a domesticated beast of peace.
there is the world and the wild.

raised by the saints
estranged myself and found family
with the wolves.
treacherous wolves they were!
now i remain beastly and seek
good in the world.

+

{ muddle. }

i've been ingesting a lot of visions lately. other people's vision. reading comic books and watching movies. and let me say, comics are like crack. i love art and poetry and literature and film, but none of these seems to stick to my brain like a good graphic novel. i want to read more/other comics, but require long pauses in between. to find myself again. i live in other people's worlds, and i live in my own made up one. i would like to come down from the clouds now, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. my brain is very muddled. as though all my senses are filtered. i woft through the mornings and afternoons. lately, i've become irrationally angry at times. life is funny. strange days are these. look up, lest we lose ourselves.

{ for the sake of civility. }

i have a really hard time getting involved with politics. i don't like them. in my experience, any discussion turns into argument. and people try to make other people feel stupid.

{ sometimes back to earth. }

wanna know what's exciting???

THIS:





it's so GREAT! i'm trying not to think about it. because it'll consume my thoughts. i just got home from camping. there's nothing quite like this unclean smell i am exuding right now. it pleases me. last night in fact, i was asked to read bedtime stories to a hoard of kids. i had some Bourbon in me, mind you, but i think it was just the right amount to help make the stories even more passionate. i actually told a story from Fables: 1001 nights, of why the big bad wolf is so big and bad. but about half way through i remembered that there was lots of gore and people eating, so i tried to clean it up a bit. eventually i just gave up.

oregon is a beautiful state. i'm happy to live here, and wish to take more advantage of it. i need to figure out transportation, in order to camp more. that's the only time i wish i had a car. for drives to the coast. mystery weekends. camping. i drove around on friday, just running errands, and let me tell you, at the end of it all i was grinding my teeth. you move so quickly through the world. there's no effort. not like on a bike, where you're working to get to where you need to go. and it makes you feel good. driving is only fun on long distances. so i think that's about enough driving to last me for the next six months.

i'm gonna go sit in the hot tub now, and read watchmen.

{ diarrhea city. }

it is true that i didn't think too much about the hot tub. i thought, "oh, that will be nice. to sit in the hot tub." but my brain didn't go much farther than that. but oh, gourd, i got home last night, put on my bathing suit, and soaked with a glass of wine, and let me tell you, it was phenomenal. honestly. so the new house is going well.

why do people where those spandex bike suits? i don't quite get it. maybe it's beyond me. because i understand their aerodynamic properties, they don't flap around or get caught on anything. but really, i mean, are they totally necessary? can someone please explain this to me? i'm sitting in the cafe and dudes are pulling up for lunch in this outfits that don't leave much to be imagination. why? maybe this is the future. maybe i am living in a futuristic age. and i don't even realize it...

my G.I. tract does not get along with lentils. not ever. diarrhea city, population: me. (i can't ever remember how to spell diarrhea. i always spell it diarriah. which is incorrect.)

ps. can someone send me a journal. i need a new one. and yes, there is always the promise of me writing a story about you. i can even make one up. a really adventurous one that you can read to your kids. ok. my mouth tastes like old coffee now. i'm becoming that teacher. the one who smells like poo, but it's really just horrendous coffee breath. sorry kids. now i have to go find a dresser. or something to put stuff on.

{ just like honey. }

this day seemed to spell disaster. but i think it will turn out okay. i ate oatmeal with brown sugar, and boy, let me tell ya, it hit the proverbial spot. now i'm drinking peppermint tea out of Vicki! Vicki! is my mug. i found her at goodwill, all white with black letters; she called out to me.

so this is day three of sobriety. it's going well. phase one is complete. now onto the next venture: food. by the time this is all said and done i'll be as clean and humble as a new born babe. free of alcohol, caffeine, gluten, nicotine, and just generally down to alkaline foods. steamed vegetables. raw fruit. sounds good, eh? i might also kick dairy. but i'm wondering about raw milk's potential. the hardest will be cigarettes, of course. that's why i'm saving them for last. anyway, it's time to abort this school and go find some coffee and a hiding place. it's a dreamy day, where i could fall asleep in memories.