i'm don't know what i'm saying
i have to do this to understand myself
put some clarity to my thoughts
feel emotionally and sexually satisfied
i get off to this love
if i could fuck myself, i would
and if that were enough
i could live alone completely
safe and sound in solitude
i wouldn't be so scared
of the periodic spells of overwhelming
loneliness and my aesthetic falibilities
i wouldn't be so give
wouldn't mind the absence of my take

+

change the act of sight
she said
eyelids fluttered frantically
while i slept that night
dreaming
about wolves
just like my dad did
the eyes rolled back
in the sockets
and exposed slivers of bloodshot
white
wrapped in lashes
still in rapid eye cycle i
half woke up and paralyzed i
lie there
whimpering and water
filled fogged my vision
i heard coyotes howling at the full
moon and i thought
the whole ordeal seemed reminiscent of
everything cheap
or some cliched phrase
making it all the more
frightening

+

i crawled across the counter to you
staring up with eyes red and swollen
bloodshot and frantically wet
screaming bloody murder about
something i don't know
i don't even remember
but you weren't even there
and neither was i
actually i was sitting in my car
dreaming about how i wished
something like that would happen
in fact
i don't even know where you are
but i knew you'd get there

+

i think everything is okay
when i'm alone
i go in and out of knowing myself
i can never really tell
but that's alright with me as long
as i know where i stand
sometimes i get too hypertonic
i shrivel up, insides shrinking
it's uncomfortable, it kills
i don't want that, you don't mean it
i know where you stand
but whatever, what's the hurry

+

i ran into a fortyfive on the street the other day and i said hey i was just thinkin about you and he asked me how i was so i gave the obvious answer then he told me we had a date to make but not right now not yet he'd catch up with me later on down the road i said oh and didn't know whether or not i should be disappointed but i guess it's okay i suppose i can wait a while longer for us to finally place our mouths over one another and my eyes and words will dart like bullets my teeth will click like hammers when i smile and life will be lived very fast until that final day life will be a pistol.



*

i like to think about all the lives i have created in my mind. dozens and dozens of fabricated relationships, scenarios and instances lived throughout my life. i can visit them when i want, or drop them when i lose interest. humans are consistently searching for their "ideal" mate, i feel. it's pretty aimless and there is no merit or true value in daydreams. but i find myself doing it a lot. i have held so many people in my imaginary arms, while i reach for sleep. and they will never ever know. i think it is beautiful. it's best though, is when you don't even personally know the individual you are attracted to, because to you they are perfect, and in imaginary scenarios, you are perfect to them. i tend to do this a lot with artists. i'll witness their art and maybe see a face, and "love" them in my own head. better yet, daydreaming about someone all the time, you get them, and then you keep day dreaming about them. i day dream a lot. today i didn't want to do anything but day dream. i didn't want to "go" anywhere, so i stayed up in my head. i was perfectly content in my own little world throughout the entire day, until i got home, when the only time i can correctly day dream is before i fall asleep. i wish i could feel better. i'm sick of myself. not sick however, of devendra banhart. never ever. he is very soothing. he makes me cry sweet, relieving tears. he makes me feel like my sins have been washed away. i feel very blasphemous saying that. but that is my description of devendra banhart. modest mouse makes me feel like i'm okay. like i'm not a bad person, and i can be sad and that's fine. i won't be judged, because maybe the next time i listen to them, they will make me euphoric. these are two incredibly different reactions created by musicians. i hope that someday i am capable of making something that will impact someone's life in such a way. i want to make someone feel like they are okay, and it's okay to be sad. and i would never ever judge them. not ever. i'd like to communicate love to someone i don't know. i do this in my mind everyday. and i wonder who hears me. i wonder if the people i do know and do love hear my love as accurately and loudly as i'd like them to. i wish they would. i really do. can you hear me? please do. this is a clear and simple message.

+
why are you so
good
i sit in corners staring off
into the space of the eyes
and open mouths of everyone
cluttering the air with words
making me dizzy.
be so better to me
i know you do
we can, in a very concentrated way,
stare so blankly, acknowledgements combust
i believe in telepathy
it makes sense
so comforting to know we read minds
i like that connection, i live for it.
striving in a crowd of too many
verbal interactions about nothing
andso onsoforth
just looking for the face i want to meet
so i feel better
needing that security
because i've gotten so weak.
it is good
+

when did i feel that i deserved the right to write a poem. or construct words as i please. what gives me the right to communicate any sort of a message to anyone else.

Dear honourable gentleperson,
Thank you, and your curiosity, for said interest. I hope in some
small fashion you wouldn¹t mind if I included you on an infrequent letter of
events and up-standing releases.
Yours truly, Daedelus

p.s. graciously accepted, and returned for your listenership.
> 1. comments = thank you.

this made me happy, and i like to think that it was written personally to me. i'm blasting my ears out in a quiet room. everyone is listening to modest mouse with me. because it's so goddamn loud. last night i had terrible dreams. i dreamt that i was cheated on. and woke up crying. then i dreamt that i was at work with my mom, and brother, and from down that hall my mother and i heard my brother coughing and making these horrible guttural noises. i said to her, "something is very wrong with him." and as he approached, crawling towards us, he came into the light and was turning into a werewolf. he had claws and tufts of hair growing around his neck and face, and his eyes were crazy. they were red and full of insanity. i went up to him, and he knocked me onto my back, and pressed my down. i could have moved, but i didn't, because i love him, and wanted him to bite me too, so that i could be a werewolf, even though i didn't really want to be one. so i just lie there. and he sunk his teeth into my gut, and i felt him eating me. he didn't exactly eat me, but i felt the pressure of having my flesh pulled off. it didn't hurt, but was very unnerving. then, all of the sudden, there was a shot of my mom saying, very blandly as she looked on, "no one should have to see this." and then i woke up, and hunched into a ball, cradling my stomache, and crying. that was my night. but before that i wrote these things:

coming home to an empty house
i've found myself putting ketchup on most things
i can have all the pills i want he said
it's a grand existence
away from existence
it's a dog eat dog
me eat pills world.
cat and mouse i'm told
then the dog eats the cat
and down goes the farm

........ +


we are lonely, we are so alone
in this big house
can't help being so sad in this case
it's been forgotten that this is what we wanted
well aware that this is what we need
can't complain, can't complain, can't complain..
the street lights vibrate
should we go back to where we started?
can we even?
the possibilities remain irrelevant always
we don't need a phone here
is the door unlocked?
where did we go wrong?
it's night time again and time again
and i forgot to check the mailbox.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +


did i hurt someone's feelings
did i tell a lie-no i'd never do that
i would never ever ever ever do that
to anyone
i feel like a ghost
a puff of smokethat no one sees
because it's cold and we're all breathing
heavily in the frigid air
it seems nothing could ever make it warm again
nothing could ever make our eyes less glassy
we could never smell any better
than we do right now
this period in time has paused
on a negative degree
and humanity is so distant
that we are all freezing
that's why it's so cold
the buttons fell off of everyone's winter coats
and we've all been exposed. and alarmed by too much
bitterness and truth
there's no sense in rekindling anthing.
no sense in warmth here
come to think of it
i've lost all desire. and motivation is gone
i'll just sit back and wait for my train to arrive


****************** * +


i love looking up at just the right moment.
it's a rare delight.
people talking downstairs
outside. shit the car door.
wanna do some coke.
who the fuck are you?
oh, I'm sorry. i thought you were
knocking.
huh.what.oh.yeah,no.
shut another door in a stranger's face.
gladly-gladly.
get outta my fucking hallway.
whoever the hell you are.
it's not okay. it's nt ohKAY!
yes it isshutup.
i've gotta knife
i'll gut you like a fish
and sell your parts
at the farmer's market.
you sly sons of bitches
why are you even around
anymore.
this is no good.


------------- + _ -


what a weird world we live in
soak up the view of the hydrosphere
absorb it all with a wet rag
the ladies love me
i eat them up
teeth, bones and all-smack
my reproductive system
is a very pleasurable parasite
can't say no.
the women crave me
i so desperately want to not be here
i want, so desperately, to be somewhere else
with you.
didn't want to sleep alone last night
and i don't want to be anyone anymore.

modestmouseiloveyou.

i'm a descendent of captain morgan, the pirate. ask my gram. she'll tell you. it's true.