{so.}

i live in portland now. how about that. or at least, this is where i am right now. we don't have a home yet, but we hopefully will by thursday or friday. i've been smoking like a chimney. and trying to be more confident, a department of mine that has been lacking. usually i don't care too much, but being in a new place, and my propensity to space out leave me completely confused upon the arrival of any foreign human contact.

i was about to go into a list of my hopes and dreams, but i don't think i'll be doing that right now. i'm ALMOST done with my journal. the one i've had for a year and a half now. i hate it. i want it out of my sight. someone send me a new journal to fill. a plain one. of any colour besides red or black or blue. yellow would be nice. also green. and let me press again that it should be absolutely plain! send me an email, and i'll give you an address. thanks in advance.

also, i am afraid of buses. a lot. but i rode one today all by myself.

additionally, i don't have my headphones, and it's really sad. i want them so badly.

{forget it.}

i have more music than i know what to do with. i've tried to dedicate this night to organizing it. but no. there's just no way on earth that can happen. it's very frustrating. i'm on absolute overload.

{it's awfully quiet around here.}

i sold my car today. for five hundred fifty dollars. many things have happened in that car. i'm kicking nostalgia. i've been really angry lately. violent mood swings. from feeling terribly hurt for no reason, to having a sudden intense impulse to ram my car into the guy who just cut me off in traffic. thank god i sold my car, i guess. my blood is boiling. it's just sad. it's a sad time still. to feel you've spent time cultivating friendships, only to find out it was for naught. or that clearly, people don't give enough of a shit to take care of their end of the friendship. i want nothing to do with this. i could explain my feelings until my fingertips bleed, but that would be just as pointless. my vagina is a ticking cancer time bomb. the sickening self-righteous are making their beds to sleep in. i care for them, but will inevitably despise them. it doesn't matter how you say it, no one will listen. and me, all i want to be is alone. my next move on the board will be to disappear completely. that's what i'm getting ready for. i used to think i had some potential. now i just hope i can have kids. and somehow get by.

{max out.}

everything i hate about myself comes to an oily head. the things that don't get done. and the things to fear the most. resting in my lap. like the child i never wanted. a steaming pile of my own shit.

i've been drinking these cure-all elixirs. taking hand fulls of pills and vitamins. supplements. to counteract a home brewed madness. there's a lot to be said for the friends that make you better.

i'm an empty bombshell. the remnants of epiphany after epiphany gone wrong. so all that's left is the casing of a great idea disregarded, broken and soaking into the carpet. let's get it right this time please.

you have to understand i'm getting very tired of all this. and my body is revolting. this is a cave-in, the last stand of a sorry self that didn't last nearly as long as i thought she would. so we're folding. dying differently than we have before. and for real this time. the brink of death has metaphorically always been so close. and we longed for it. but when it catches to your skins for real you come to know what life could be. and everything you're doing wrong. over and over again. our problems don't define us. they should re-define us. everytime they boil up and over the edge of my thoughts. we can't block this one out forever. i'm only human you know.