{the morals of a monday.}

a day's final swell
just before the ebb of sleep
distinction of days waxing
melting into memories
burning up inside me
boiling down to a thick brackish paste
that resides in my left breast
and renders me useless

this speaks like a dream
wandering back and forth
between sobriety and drunkenness
loneliness and laughter

is there any way to be
so continually happy
an altruistic pattern of thought
which will lead me into life
and out of such a longing

these days like an egg shell
fragile and broken into pieces
filled with sticky hope
and delicious centers

we know nothing of the world
wanting only to be filled
ever since i was so tiny
understanding only what was seeming

when i watched those centaurs looming
over bodies by the pinkest flowers
looking for their loving.
i saw my incompletion.

speak to me now
of double-headed signs
the optimists within
the whimsical values
of a traveller

because i'm listening
intentively
with my dress undone
and my shoes untied
these giant hands.

i want to know the meaning
of fingers
and the presence
of chamber cells swelling
like a symphony

i know you'd keep me if i kept you
and you'd love me if i let you
but this life was meant for leaving
and i deserve no blessings

i have something to tell you.
i'm looking for that place
to lay my pretty burdens down.

{over-under stimulation?}

today i realized my ass is huge. i always knew it was big, but me from the backside... good god... from the front everything seems okay. i'm a doughy lady, but wow. i guess i had no idea.

anyway. so this week was crazy. how was yours? sundays always exhaust my brains emotional department. it's like a surreal come down from the entire week in one day. i don't usually talk to anyone; i just sit and watch the world go by mostly. i tend to feel lonely, lost, and at odds with humanity. like a stupid sinner i guess. probably because i'm hung over. and my body has chemical qualms with booze. i want to go on an adventure. or take a nap.

also i resemble a hobo right now. and there are so many people on this beautiful day, walking about with each other, holding hands and smelling good. i am quite the antithesis. also i am financially retarded. word to the wise, if you don't have any money, don't buy booze. unless you really want to hate yourself.

i wish i had a pizza. and some movies. that's exactly what i want right now. someone send me these things. i require them. i also wish i had my bike, which is in the southeast right now. i need that as well. and a new tattoo. and some sandwiches. if i hadn't spent this weekend busting my ass and then drinking a lot, right now would be a great time to have a drink. but all that alcohol has left a sour taste in my mouth. all i ate today was cheesecake. lots and lots of cheesecake. for which to add to my already huge ass. it smells like cooking meats out here. i want five cheeseburgers. and a hot dog.

{chilled out entertainer.}

stuff yer face. my brains is currently making this noise: "wauw-wauw-wauw". so many things to do. so little time. crazy. but the day before yesterday was "book giving day" i guess. this day involves a woman choosing a man for which to give a book, and in return, he gives her a rose. it was initiated in spain. now it's all "international" and shit. some handsome firey, redhead named jeremy told me that out of nowhere, which was nice. we shook hands. i wish i'd had a book to give jeremy... i smell weird right now. but not unpleasant. i painted faces for three plays today. also i am tired. and eating much food. and want the sun to come out, so i can ride my bike home in its rays of glory. now this isn't to say things aren't great. because they are. great. i may have found a summer job. everything is falling into place nicely. and there are a few people to call and say, "will you hang out with me?" so there yah go. huzzah!

here's a teacherly conversation from yesterday:

me: i know you're having a hard time, but right now you just have to go with the flow.
kid: even when people are throwing squids at you?
me: weeell... yeah, because if you were a squid salesman, attempting to sell squids door to door, but no one wanted any squids, so they keep throwing squids at your face... you'd still have to go with the flow. because that's what you do. you're a squid salesman. you know?
kid: yeah.

(much laughter ensued.)

she then explained to me that she was feeling "woody" [pronounced like 'moody'}. that's what they say at home anyway. when her mom came to pick her up i explained that the day was a bit "woody". and the mom said, "on no... not woody-woo." it was great. that particular mother/daughter combo are amazing. the bring us dress-ups...!

and then today i thought to myself:

"you'll never get another teacher like me. someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer..."

i'm going to call a boy tonight.

that just made me think, "i'm going to kill myself tomorrow..." {royal tenenbaums.}

{fast.}

okay spring time. i need you to progress. i will be moving in about a week and a half. in with two fine gentlemen named jeff and scott. jeff is 35, whereas scott is 33. jeff is from northern california, and scott is from cleveland. he has a tattoo of ohio on his arm. it makes me so happy. i spoke with jeff yesterday about painting my room, and after our conversation, i felt contented. i think these guys and i are going to have tons of fun. camping. grilling. gardening. bike riding. all summer long. it's gonna be great.

also i'm fasting today. i rode to work and arrived all wet and dirty. i had to wash my skirt in the bathroom sink. so yeah. summer needs to arrive. i'm chilly. ber.

{the precipice.}

separate the wheat
from the chaff.
what makes sense
what is good
the days i enjoy
leaking away
into a heated drunkenness.
bad smells.
direct me towards
the light. the everlasting.
having proof and showing worth.
these are the steps
forwards
the steps back.
onwards and upwards we say.

and the day after merriment
i feel nothing
will ever be okay again
knowing all the fallacies

reeling back from my own disappointments.

(+)

save me by the blossoms
by bike rides and clean laundry
the fresh fruits eaten by morning
the sweat of my brow.
and the sweet words of night.

pray for me. as a father.
as the farmer
sifting hands
through the parched soil of my spirit
on the hottest days of the year
pressing taught and tanned
face and fingers
into the corroded earth within me.
your breath is minerals.
breathing out and into dirt
taking in malignancies
sleep there.
rest your head upon my heart.
hum to its beatings.
and beneath everything
the folds of my thoughts
the darkest parts
cause the sweet sting of love
to infiltrate my dreamings.
lacing your hands with my nerves
squeezing through the sinew
scratching at the pit of my stomach
where all the old blood lies

every rib is yours
that you could break
if you wanted.
be my synapses
flushing through the arteries

build a new house
where the old stood

i am reminded
constantly.
and made new by the sun.

{full.}

these i would like to see:

(this one looks so freakin good.)



(oh. my. gourd.)



(amazing trailer:)




chris and i ate at Genoa last night. it was amazing... eleven courses. tons of wine.

{ailment accumulation.}

some of the kids at school are so wonderful, i get teary when i talk to them. the ones with extra vivid imaginations. i can't even put into words how they are, or make me feel. they're just great.

also, i'm pretty sure i have head lice. and athlete's foot. and a canker sore. bruises a kimbo.

and i may have found a place to live with two guys in their thirties.

everything is GREAT!

{baby's got the bends.}

we don't have any real friends.

hey. hey... come hang out with me. i have all these funny stories to tell. music to share. bikes to ride. bees to scream at. comics to make. i like you. make me laugh so hard i pee my pants. i don't care.

m.
henry.

{sometimes i write things.}

i can see them as old
tell that i'm tired
bells are ringing
feet shuffle
to the back of the bus

once, phone calls were made
from such a transfer
and the ins and outs of love
left us still wanting
at arms length

we watch the transitions
over the river traveling
through the definitions of life
pleasurable moments
of relational quality.
the excitement of personhood
the delight of fondness

{forgetting how much you love things.}

comics are wonderful. daily i am bombarded by things i enjoy. often, things i have forgotten the amount of which i enjoy, and i think to myself, "i love { }!!! it's so great! i want to continue my pursuits in this field of thing. and make lots of said thing." but then i forget. because it seems that this occurs so often, with such a multitude of subjects, i have a hard time laying them out. i'm getting better at it. if by better you mean worse. what i'm trying to say is, i'm narrowing down what it is i love. that is also not true. there are also items i wish to not love so much. like drinking. and cigarettes. and boys. and cuddly naps. rarely do i forget these things. how does that work?

i got new glasses kids. also a canker sore on the roof of my mouth. remember when i was really afraid of having cancer all the time. these days have gone into remission. i think of aids sometimes though. {the next sentence was "it's funny". i sat there for a few seconds a deleted this sentence, thinking, no, it is not funny.} i've been reading lots of Grimm's fairy tales to kids. tails. tales. t. t.. these are the times i should be getting more things done. but i'm so tired. it's taxing enough to be writing this right now. even more so knowing that what i'm writing bears (rar!) no merit to the human world. hey humans. hey. there are so many of you. come be my friend. i need people talk time. and some cuddlin. good ol fashion snuggle time. but all of you bad ones, stay away. i don't like you already. BRAIN TUMOR!!!

{tings.}

i really want to play rugby. or soccer. and for some reason, arnold schwarzenegger makes me really happy. i just like that guy. i think it's because i grew up watching him cover himself in mud, blow up aliens, or turn into a robot. all whilst making the weirdest faces and most horribly dramatic screams. what a weirdo.