I'm pretty depressed. I'm pretty depressed a lot. I feel like there is no resolution for so many things in my life. Like, issues of importance just fizzle out, and I try to forget about them. Which I cannot. SO I just stick them under paperwork and behind the dressers in my brain. I am working, sort of, right now. Cleaning. Shit job that pays well. At least I get to be alone. Anyhow, I think I'm going to go on hiatus. For a while, or forever, I can't tell. I want so badly to socialize. Sometimes I feel like it keeps me going. It helps me do all that forgetting that I love to do so much. I just feel so alone. I've felt this way forever. No one can connect with me. I don't even have Lauren really. We are in such different places right now. She's there. I'm here. Something something... I feel like I need to heal. But I can't yet because there's no resolution. I've been sobbing a lot lately. A good sob is fine every once in a while. But not all the time. My mom's birthday is tomorrow, and there's going to be a nice little party for her on Friday. I do love my family. They are sort of a haven. A place to hide. Things are just so fucked up in my head right now. I just keep getting these surges of anger and sadness, which ends up being tears. I just want to scream and somehow be cathartic. I just want to escape from whatever the fuck this is that's drilling into my brain. Sometimes the only thing that soothes me is falling asleep and thinking about ways to kill myself. But that hasn't been working too well lately either. I just hate everything about me. Every aspect of myself makes me cringe and wonder why anyone gives me the time of day. I suppose this all could easily be excused as a case of teen angst. I guess. Whatever.

"Look at that ole grizzly bear..."
So yeah, things. Well, I have developed a cold sore, which blows a lot. Also, I have yet to clean the Church, and it's 9:45pm. Suck. Anyway, the moral of the story is that I'd like to reach a pleasant medium between sadness and joyfulness. I don't like mood swings. Not one bit. I keep waking up content, and gradually falling downhill as the day progresses. Sometimes however, small things rejuvenate me, such as baths, and naps. My brothers got in a fight today, and I tried to break it up. First, I threw a container of Paprika at them, then I wrassled them apart. It was painful. They are big. Gotta go clean.

Well. Let's see here. I told my roommate that I couldn't live with her, and that went okay. I wasn't feeling very peaceful there anyway. I've been feeling emotionally better too. Maybe it's the Suma, not with an "o"; it's the vitamin I'm taking to alleviate me depression. All last week I just gradually became more and more depressed as the day went on. I was so depressed that I wasn't sad anymore. It was weird. It made me feel like such melodramatic looser. Like I have all these problems and shit that I want to puke all over everyone. I just hate it when people know how I feel in the head. It makes me vulnerable. Well, I'm gonna go now. I don't have enough time to talk, so why begin.

So ya. I've been really busy moving into this apartment, and was really excited until I realized that I couldn't take a shower there and don't have a door to my room, and I thought the renovation were pretty much done, until this morning when I was rudely awakened by my landlord who wanted to paint the kitchen. Suck. Also I went to Pittsburgh. So I've been gone. I'm really depressed lately. I think I may be bi-polar. Because of my crazy mood swings, but it might just be the birth control, too. I hope that I keep posting, but I have a tendency to fall in and out of that trend, so we will see.

The transition into this warmth has been very weird. I'm very pleased, but still feel like I'm lacking something. Honesty, maybe? I want to know what people are thinking. All the time. What they feel like or essentially "are feeling," thinking, whatever. I don't know why. I just do. Just what's on their minds. I want to listen, and lately I feel as though I don't have anything to listen to, with exception of cars to footsteps of people walking by. I learned last night not to dabble with the past. I just read so many things that I wrote in high school. It was ridiculous and depressing. And as I often do at night, I felt very futile and aged. Every second I'm creating a memory of sorts, and I neglect it, to look into the future or back into the past. Smells do this a lot. I put on "Burt's Bees Lip Balm" today, and had a million images from the past passed through my mind's eye. It was bittersweet, you know? Sad, but refreshing. Well, I have a test to take. Maybe I'll write later, I've been busy moving myself, and being lazy and not lazy. "We both love to talk... and not talk... ...We could talk or not talk forever... Mmhm." By the way. Note to self, say "e-gad" more. I used to say it, or at least write it. I guess I forgot...