Wow. I have been consistently happy for a few days now. It's crazy awesome. When I have those moments where I recognize my contentment, I always feel like I'm momentarily going to die. For instance, a good example of this would be in Donny Darko, when, in the end, sorry to give this away for those who haven't seen it, but if you haven't, what the hell is wrong with you, anyway, so he's going to bed, and laughing, and then that jet engine falls on him. That's how I feel. When I'm driving and realize how happy I am, I feel like I'm about to get T-boned or my engine will explode. Or something along the lines of that, which would inevitably kill me. Anyway. I went to Pittsburgh for a day a few days ago. It's was crazy and wonderful and spontaneous. Made me happy. wow. continue.

"But I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I know there is this side of me that wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just fly the whole mess into the sea."

"I'm a little bit lonely these days."

Something along the lines of that. Well, that line describes me at the moment, and usually. I've found that you can be surrounded by people, and still feel painfully alone. However, I have been very inspired lately. This sense of "doing" has overwhelmed me. I may still have insecurities, but they won't stop me from simply doing. This idea began last night when discussing with my friends who have graduated from college what they are going to do with their lives. Not so much discussing what they are going to do, so much as them recognizing that they don't have a clue as to what they want to do. We discussed society's standards of success and what you need to be a "qualified" individual, and how both of these concepts are ridiculous. I was talking to my friend Jason, a marvelous person, who pointed out that in our society, if something isn't seen it doesn't exist. For instance, a "rock band" or a famous artist, someone who has been recognized by the masses will be seen as successful, and the people like me who might make a painting that makes me smile and maybe some of my friends won't be recognized. I don't know if this is making sense, it's a lot more difficult to write as opposed to verbalize. Anyway, so the idea of success has been skewed. And people strive to find something big and prestigious to do instead of pursuing their loves and dreams. It's messed up. Hobbies is a different story. But what it all boils down to is a sense of fulfillment, and people need to learn to do what comes naturally to them. But I think a lot of people don't recognize those things because they come so naturally. Like quilting or cooking or writing, and are constantly in pursuit of things that are bigger, when in reality it shouldn't be because it's right there in front of them. Those things can be expanded upon as well. Maybe people are just looking too hard. Not to mention people find it hard to be themselves and use there own brilliance. Like if you were to listen to Radiohead and think, "Wow, they sure do rock my socks. I could never be like them. They're too good." But that isn't even the point, because why would you want to be like them. Influenced maybe, inspired, yes. But when YOU do what comes naturally to YOU, and use your own creativity and individualism you would see that you are brilliant. Once again, I'm not sure if any of this is connecting together correctly, but whatever. So yes, the moral of the story is that because of this realization I have decided to do what comes naturally to me, and expand upon that. I have several projects lined up: A film project with some friends. We bought a camera and are going to start a "film society," because I like the word "society." I'm also doing a photography project with Blanche, because I just acquired some photo paper, which is really expensive, but I got it for free. I'm contemplating a music gig with Eric, which will include jazz and red dresses. And some friends and I are starting up a Bible study for "alternative Christians." I'm sure that'll be misinterpreted, but whatever. Which reminds me, I hate those posters or signs that say, "Don't forget... I have everything under control. Love, God (Your Father)" How strange. I just think they're cheesy. I feel I must do. But I am feeling very lonely, and deprived of fellowship. I went to church on Sunday with my mom, and it always makes me feel very strange. I just feel looked down upon or shunned or hated. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. It's just weird because I used to be so involved with the church, the I denounced it, and now I'm coming back around, and there is awkwardness. But on a final note I will say this: Today through some strange chain of associations, I had this memory pop into my head, and I had this horrifying realization in reference to that memory, in other words I figured something out, and now I feel like a giant asshole. I literally felt my face turn red as I realized something I had ignorantly said so someone years ago. What a moron I am.

I still haven't gotten my drawers back. Or begun reading The Secret of the Old Mill. But I did just eat a Boca Burger and it was exquisite. Last night involved much dancing and a bit of ridiculous razamatchazah. Drinking is funny to me. My friend once asked me why drinking was such a fuss, because he didn't get it. I told him that it was just a few hours in which people go crazy and have fun, then proceed to get sick or depressed or embarrassed. I usually just get depressed, even if I kept to myself through the phases of drunk. I don't know where I'm going with this, maybe I'm just thinking about weddings, because I went to one last night. Yes, weddings. They are certainly strange things, weddings are. I don't get them. They're sort of creepy. I don't know. I'm pretty tired. I think I'm going to take off my blue pantyhose and sleep for a stint. I certainly refer to myself quite a bit in this "online journal." Then watch American Splendor, which I'm really excited about. I think it's going to be good, but here's to hoping. Whatever that means...

I just realized that I forgot my underwear at my friends house. I was babysitting, and my underwear was digging into my ass cheeks, so Lauren convinced me to take it off. I put it in the stroller, and it's really skimpy underwear, which is unusual for me. I would probably be embarrassed if I wasn't so tired. I think my brain is trying to make me embarrassed, but oh well. I just hope it isn't gross. MAN! What a fool I am. So I bought a Hardy Boys book. I saw it at Grounds, and thought, "I simply MUST have that." It's called The Secret of the Old Mill. How great is that? I'm feeling a bit better. I have resolved to simply not think about myself at all, because there's nothing I can do to change anything, as far as looks are concerned. Yeah, I suppose I could wear make-up or nice clothes and look all priss-prass, but that's just not my style, and I wouldn't be comfortable at all. I think I know who I'm supposed to marry. Which is cool, and foolish and weird because now I don't want to date anyone because I feel so "set aside." I'm sure the worldly influences in my mind will sooner or later void me of that singularity notion. Oh well. I don't plan on tying the proverbial "knot" anytime soon though. And by no time soon I mean not for years. I had this great conversation tonight with a guy I know after we watched The Never-Ending Story. We just chatted about how it's infuriating that people forget their dreams. We've learned to accept less. It was a very emotional talk, and meant a lot to me. Lately it's been hard trying to figure out "what I'm supposed to do." It really hasn't been hard, but I've had many people nagging me about figuring my life out A-sap, which I have no desire to do. I don't exactly know what career I might pursue. I'd like to somehow incorporate my writing abilities with my film ideas or photographs. I need to make things. Not be an art director or teacher. I don't know. It's difficult organizing my thoughts in reference to that whole topic of "life career" and what not. I just know what I don't want to do, and this will in turn help me determine what I DO want to do. And that's that. Just one last thought: Whenever I'm attracted to someone, like most people I start thinking about what our relationship would be like if we had one. You know, quick photographic images of the future. But then I just think about them at Thanksgiving dinner with my family and me. Every time. It's weird. I was writing yesterday about how I hope to marry a vegetarian, and we'll have to make a special meal for whoever that might be, and for me too, considering I'm a vegetarian as of this year. And I hope to marry a very peculiar person, so that my uncle John would say, "Megan's husband is very peculiar..." That's a memory I want to have. My hypothesis as to why I'm thinking this way has to do with my maternal clock. It's ticking and agitating the hell out of me. I just don't want to feel like the only person who thinks the way I do anymore. Because I know there are people out there who would laugh at the things that make me laugh. Crazy stuff, that no one else sees. It's strange living a life like this when no one else gets it. Lauren gets it. But I'm straight and so is she, and even if we were lesbians we would probably end up hating each other if we dated. A lot. The moral of the story is, I want someone to see what I see, and I want to see what they see.

"...To see like you're eyes do..."

A song someone wrote for my cold, dark nights. And I've kept it in my heart always.



the sun shines and leaves blow
and my hope, like autumn, is turning brown
and I know it seems like I'm always falling down

but it does not matter to me
although it seems like it should
it's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say
rest in me little david
and dry all your tears
you can lay down your armor
and have no fear
'cause I'm always here
when you're tired of running
and I'm all the strength that you need

it's up hill both ways
tomorrow I swear I won't act this way
I know it seems like that is what I always say

but it does not matter to me
although it seems like it should
it's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say
rest in me little david
and dry all your tears
you can lay down your armor
and have no fear
'cause I'm always here
when you're tired of running
and I'm all the strength that you need

you know I want to be like Jesus
but it seems so very far away
when will I learn to obey

obey.

Oh life, what crazy hijinks will you present me with next. Crazy hijinks. That's what I have to say about life. It's pretty crazy. Actually come to think of it, I would really like for there to be additional daily hijinks. You know, like mysteries to solve, like Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys or Ghost writer. What a silly name for a collection of books. Hardy Boys... who thought THAT one up. Anyway, so there will hopefully be more hijinks, or hullabaloo, or um, razamatchazah. I'll bet you've never heard that one before. Well, joke's on you, that's because I made it up. At this point I would be doing my new favorite laugh, which involves me with a crazy old man face, laughing slowly and "hardily" (ah-ha-ha...) from the gut, and shrugging my shoulders on each exhale. It's pretty entertaining. I like to do it, but no one ever thinks it's funny, except me, but that's usually how it goes. No one is ever amused by what amuses me. I'll show you sometime. Maybe you'll think it's funny. That's right, you. Yeah, so Lauren and I have decided to incorporate crazy things into everyday interactions with people. Yes, I know what you're all thinking, "But you guys already DO incorporate crazy things into everyday interactions!!! You crazies!" Well, you're right again, but this time it's going to be even better. Lauren and I have this game we play where we smile extremely enthusiastically at people, with big teeth, all creep like, and see if they smile back, if they do we get a point. If they don't smile and look frightened we get two points. It's the best game ever. Well, now we are going to see who can say the strangest, most pointless, and off-handed thing in a conversation. It doesn't sound as great as the smile game, and maybe it isn't, but it is. Also, there will be much more dancing on the sidewalks. Just dancing. For people we don't know. It's amazing. Maybe we'll get money. I don't know. But I DO know that I am not a normal person, and have been painfully depressed lately, and now that I have all these crazy things to do, things might pick up a bit. And maybe I won't drink myself to sleep anymore. Game on.

I just wrote a really long and interesting blog, but it's all gone now for some reason... I don't know why, the computer just decided to stop working. I'm really f.ucking pissed, but I'll get over it... 10... 9... 8... cooling, cooling. Done. Anyway, to editorialize, I saw Harry Potter. It was awesome. I'm tired. I hung out with Josh today and it was strange and bitter sweet. I can't remember anything else. I'll write a poem.

I want to give you everything beautiful in the world.
Everything you'll love.
Everything tasteful and charming.
In return I ask only
For every smile you make
To be for me
And that they always remain brilliant.