4.25.2003



4:15 am.

Tomorrow is a Saturday. I'm really exhausted. I just drank about 12 cups of coffee at Big Boy. Wow. What a night. It's funny when I think that working eight hours will exhaust me, and then I stay up for another 5 hours. I can hardly type. Damn. Well, I think I have finally reached that point of exhaustion where theres no alternative but sleep. Hope I can sleep, considering the amount of caffeen in my system at the moment. That's not the correct way to spell caffeine, caffiene...whatever, I can't think enough to care. Oh well, I wish I would get more e-mail from preticular people, but oh well again. Goodnight everyone.

4:19 am.


4.23.2003




2:58 pm.

Tomorrow is a Thursday. I'm really lonely. I hate it when friends are out of town. I don't feel like making myself do anything. And I won't. I have to go to work in two hours. Maybe I can keep myself occupied.

3:00 pm.


4.11.2003




2:54 am.

Tomorrow is a Saturday. Right now I have this crippling fear of being nothing. It isn't even a fear of being nothing. It's also a fear of settling for less and being disapointed. Which I already am. I am so impatient right now. Things are moving so slowly and unproductivly. I want to be past all of this "transitioning" and move onto what really matters. I can only see myself being something great, not mediocre. I have never felt that way about myself. But I feel that if I am to settle for less then I might as well die now, because that disapointment would end my joy anyway. I want music. It feels so out of my reach. I don't know how to pursue it. So how can I perfect it? How can I excel then? I'm so tired. I'm trying to realize the contentment recieved from just knowing I have food to eat and clothes to wear, but it's still not enough. I want it all. I want completion and fulfillment. I don't mind being a seeker, as long as I know what I'm seeking. I don't even know that yet. So far behind. I think of all the people who have influenced my life, in good ways or bad. I wish I could tell them all. I wish I could say, "You, you ruined my life," or "You opened my eyes." If only. Maybe I will be able to some day.

3:03 am.


4.09.2003




12:27 am.

Tomorrow is a Friday. But it's funny that I write that because the days don't really matter or mean anything anymore. They don't really affect me. I can never remember what context to put that word in. Oh well. Stupid English language. I'm starting to hate the night. We used to get along so well, but now it's such a solitary part of the day. (as in the 24 hour period of time) Maybe I just need to be a little more creative in deciding what to do, seeing as I can't sleep very well anymore. And to think, sleep used to be my haven. It was the only thing that could make me numb and thoughtless. And I could always depend on my dreams being interesting, even the frightening ones. For instance, the one I had were I was in a black room, lying down on a large couch, and watching the scribbles on a TV. There was someone in the background stabbing an anonymous person to death. They stopped the slaughter and leaned over the back of the couch. I looked up. "Now, it's your turn," they said staring down at me, and proceeded to drop the knife. It fell, penetrating my neck. I could feel its pressure and the fear in my mind and the sweat and the tears running down the sides of my face. "I'm going to die no matter what I do," I thought. "I could pull the knife out of my throat and bleed to death, or I could just lie here with it sticking in my neck. Either way I die." And I awoke. I could feel the pressure in my throat and the sweat dripping from my skin. I've never been so scared in my life. It was so vivid and real. "Fall back asleep," I thought to myself. The words echoed in the darkness of the room. "Fall back asleep..."

12:51 am.