Forgot my song for the day. Thank you Radiohead...


I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change.

Kill me Sarah,
kill me again with love,
it's gonna be a glorious day.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

The head of state has called for me by name
but I don't have time for him.
It's gonna be a glorious day!
I feel my luck could change.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.
We are standing on the edge.

Yeowza. That's the word summing up everything I'm feeling right now. ...Wait, now it's "jojoba." Because I like that word, and just read it off of a bottle of hand lotion. Just say it in your head a few times, and you'll know how I'm feeling. Now it's "wildcats." "Wildcats...pkeeew... I gotta go." Something like that. For as awesome as Owen Wilson is, he sure is in some shitty movies. Anyhow, things are still crazy, but I'm feeling more peaceful now. A few nights ago a friend of mine was having a really hard time with her portion in life at the moment and was discussing it with my friend Heidi and me. All of the sudden the cops pull up to her house and say that someone called in reporting a loud party over there. The caller was undoubtedly her soon-to-be ex-husband being a petty asshole and trying to make her life miserable, even though he isn't supporting their child at all, and continues to avoid signing the divorce papers and has yet to show up for his court date. This whole cop, prank, high school shit just kind of put her over the edge. It was really bad, just to think that he would do that. I mean, come on, how childish. We had only been chatting quietly and the cop could see that nothing was going on, so he apologized and said he would look into the call and proceeded to leave. It was really crazy, after he left we talked a bit more, and were about to go inside, and I asked her if it was okay if I prayed for her. She said it was cool, and that lots of people had been telling her that lately. I told her that I wanted to pray for her now, right there, and asked Heidi to join. So we prayed for positive energy and lots of stuff, and it was so beautiful. She cried and cried and it felt so good. I don't remember the last time I prayed aloud for someone, in a group setting. Either way, we felt the spirit of the Lord on that situation. I just hope that she sees how much God loves her. And hopefully through this I can see how much He loves me, and maybe start loving myself again. I'm really trying to surround myself with positive energy and spiritual people who will bring me up to a higher place, a place I should be. It's hard. I would like to start going back to church. I really don't like organized religion, but I need good people right now, and I know where to find them I guess. This year has been a success as far as humility goes. I feel so humble and gracious about a lot of things. I hope this enlightenment continues.

Well well well. Summer is here and so am I. Let's see, well, I'm doing pretty well, and I have managed to use the word "well" five times already. I'm at work, but that's okay because soon enough I will not be at work. Perspective. That's what this life calls for, a good dose of perspective. Anyhow, I have made a few changes in my life. A little spring cleaning if you will. Some "rearranging." And all is going well. Loosing some weight, my face is clearing up. I just have to hand in some late papers and I will be set as a jet. I made that one up. I have taken up a job as a "child care supervisor," also known as "baby-sitting," but that just doesn't seem P.C. enough now does it? Anyway, cutest, damn kid ever. And we are going to swim and eat watermelon all summer long, at least on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Anyhow, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I needed some resolution in my life, and with a little help from above, I'm managing just fine now. Happy as a clam. Assuming clams are always happy... which doesn't make any sense to me, because when your hands are all gross and moist you say they're "clammy," and clams get eaten a lot too. Whatever man. I keep thinking crazy things like, "I love who you are, I love who you ain't, you're so Anne Frank," (Outkast) and the name "Jark Mangkar," who is this guy I know, except his name is Mark Jangkar. I don't know how to spell that at all. IT sounds like someone from Star Wars. Anyhow, I'm going to go and clean toilets now! Nothing can get me down! Toilets, do your worst!!!

Well, blogger is new and improved. All I came here to say was that my life is stupid and annoying to me. Tonight I hope to burn a lot of old shit of mine. Poems and shit. Things that don't bring back to mind pleasant times. Yeah, my life is really stupid. The more I think about it. I feel like I'm writing this history book everyday, and it's about my life. I can really chose whether or not it's stupid, based on the decisions I make, and thusfar, it seems like a really stupid life. I think my best bet is to just stop giving such a damn about every stupid thing. On that note Modest Mouse?:

we have one chance.
one chance to get everything right.
we have one chance, one chance,
and if we're lucky we might.
my friends,
my habits,
my family,
they mean so much to me.
i just don't think that it's right.
i've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again
and go off sinking.
i'm just a box in a cage.
i'm just a box of mistakes.
didn't mean to laugh,
didn't know i had.
didn't know the better part of what you said,
cuz in your head you are not home.
didn't get the joke.
didn't mean to poke another,
just to save myself from some something
something or another one.
well walk home.
i'm just a box in a cage.
we have one chance,
one chance to get everything right.
my friends,
my habits,
my family,
they mean so much to me.
i just don't think that it's right.
i've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again
and go off sinking.

I have this friend. This friend that I care about tremendously. And this friend is killing me more and more inside and out everyday. Every freakin day. And I keep going over to his house. I keep hanging out or trying to, and investing my time, and investing my love into this friend. Who makes me hate myself more and more inside and out everyday. It's almost like the more love I give to him, the more I take away from myself. And I don't know why I keep putting stock into this friendship. He has practically taken the love I have for everything else in this world, and made me forget. Why do people choose to have such friends. I can honestly say I do, and I don't know why I do it. I hate myself because of this person. I hate the way I look and talk and laugh. I feel like the ideas that I have aren't good enough anymore, and this I'm just this status quo person. Like I'm just living for the sake of breathing, and that's about it. I have never had a very good self concept. I was doing just fine for a while, but gradually I have given up on this idea of self-love. I wrote the other day, "I hate who I am now, but look forward to becoming worse." I've become so comfortable with this idea of hating everything about myself. I've warped my own mind into this crazy state of depression. I feel like I've given up on everything. So whatever man, "with friends like you, who needs friends. (spit)" That's supposed to be from Rushmore. With the "spit" and all. I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. I know I want to make friends with other people who will lift me up, and challenge me to be a higher person, but I'm so lonely right now all I can do is retreat back to the same individuals that kill me inside. I was talking to a friend tonight about how I can't stand insincere people, but somehow I've managed to surround myself with them. People who only think about themselves, and I would say that is not an exaggeration. I don't mean that about everyone I know, but many. This world of Bowling Green where everyone is looking our for their person and their position in everything. Whatever. I have however found contentment in doing things for people, while at the same time being well aware of the fact that they don't even notice. I say "whatever" to that as well. I can see where there has been progression in my life, but I also see that I hate myself, which is not a good thing... at all. No sir, not-at-all. Hopefully I can cut the ties, which I don't want to because I love some of these people, but you can only withstand so much, I suppose. I think when a friendship gets to the point where every time you part from the company of a friend, and start bawling, it's time to end whatever messed up kind of a relationship you have with them. Part of me is writing this and thinking of how true it is, and the other half is saying, "Yeah, right Megan, we'll see how long this will last..." Who knows. I sure don't. I just know that I'm sad all the time. And I have become very set in this depression. This individual is making me hate myself everyday. And even if it's unintentional, the drama they create is leading up to all this. Tearing me up inside every moment I think about them or see them. What is most upsetting is the fact that there are many things in this world that make me think of that person. So many things that I love. F.uck me for ever loving them.

"I'm richer than Calvin Coolidge... PUT TOGETHER!"
It goes something like that. I can't remember, I just laughed a lot. I'm immensely sad. Sad, sad, sad! Is that all I'll ever be?!?! I keep trying to stop thinking what I think, but it's really hard. I don't really have anything to say right now. I just want people to like me. And maybe they do, but I suppose before I can recognize that they like me, I'll have to like myself, which I do not. At all. On another note, tomfooleries is a really good word. One of the best in my opinion. I really long for friends, of the constant variety. I feel like I've looked everywhere, and still haven't been able to connect with anyone. I'm trying to go back to church, but haven't as of yet. Maybe I'll find friends there. Maybe not. I just feel like such a silly kid, because I don't fit in anywhere. And I keep trying to befriend people, but it never materializes. I'm only talking about this here. I really don't like to dump my moans and groans on people, so I'll do this here, and think in my conscious brain that no one will read it, and in my subconscious brain recognize that people will. Anyway, I give up. What was I saying? I don't know, I just want to be supported. I want to know there are people who have my back. I feel like I give a lot. And don't get. Either way. I watched The Man Who Wasn't There a few days ago, and I never got to see he ending. Eric Barton and I are going to be having movie nights on Saturdays, which is exciting. I'm really frustrated. I feel like I'm being narcissistic, but that's what this is for I think. Yes. I think so. On that note, a song:

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's okay
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what did I say
Well you just laughed it off it was all okay

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on anyway

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight of hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't you worry we'll all float on alright
already we'll all float on alright
Don't worry we'll all float on

(Alright already)
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright
Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on okay
Don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on (alright)
Don't you worry we'll all float on (alright)
All float on