{sit pretty}

... i am in love and trying.

{out of control.}

my head feels like it weighs 30 lbs. and evertime i move it, it's as though it's full of liquid metal that's sloshing around. i feel horrid. make it go away.

{celebrate everything.}

school's over. i want people to share drinks and laughter with me. and celebrate! but everyone is too busy or boring. call me a hedonist. i probably am. but i like to celebrate. i like ceremonies. and congratulating the beginnings and the ends of things. and school is over! so i'm gonna go drink at the bar. probably alone. i feel this is a rite. and i want to bask in the pageantry of an appropriate ritual i am creating now. my first teaching year finished. let's drink. i'm a bit sauced now.

{fin.}

life is so weird. today is the last day of school! huzzah. they've offered me benefits and a retirement fund at work. i'll be making a very decent amount of money. i have a bed. i have a bike. i have two hands, two legs, lungs, fingernails. it's all very exciting, you see. glory be.

also, "we" watched The Protector last night. it was amazing. you should see it.

the only thing i need now is a little sunshine. please. and even if it doesn't come quite yet, i'll still be happy.

{eeky bagina.}

last week these kindergarten girls were playing a game called "eeky bagina." i'm pretty sure they meant "vagina." when i asked what the game was all about, they said it involved pretending to be mice and saying lots of gross words. fair enough.

i then had this conversation with a three year old:

kid: i saw felix.
me: oh yeah? who's felix. is he a cat?
kid: i saw him at laurelfirst park. he had a huge crazy hat. he's a giant pie.
a pumpkin pie.

{the interaction made me so happy. i giggled often.}

{sister sally.}

we love you. the good ones. it is true, as they say, that we killed off all spiritual debilitaters. they had been coming to bed with us. drinking our sanguine blood as we slept. in morning, we awoke to our own weepings. until soon, the mornings no longer bore the fresh fruits of good dreaming and glad tidings. we began to lay like paralyzed insects, wrapped in webs of deceit. no one knows to move on days such as these. and so we took to drinking. hard and heavy with the indecisive days. the prank phone calls of love and laughter. lowly subjects to our own feelings. debating, we'd say, "love! oh love and longing! at home you found me on my own two feet. you took me away. and i went. because i wanted so badly, a glutenous mouthful of what you were selling. but it was i! i'm the one who gave the giving of a dreamer. like a lonely ghost. seeing myself a saviour. seeing you, my saviour. but now this lamb is bleeding on the altar in your backyard, while you read the paper. a burnt offering to love. i smolder for naught." ...and we realize the wastings. the brain seizes. and the heart splinters like old, dry wood. so neatly in the ashes.

thanks be to you, my true and loyal friend. passing through the ages. the noisy downtown veil of night met us at the fire escape. we crept on kitten's feet, and slit the throats of empty lovers. admiring the carbon spill from their silver necks.

draw me a bucket of water.

{tgif.}

there is something so inherently hilarious about that grouping of letters. they cause me to stir with ludicrous giddiness and laughter every time i hear them. they're so stupid! and yet, every friday, i find myself internally voicing them to myself throughout the day... my deepest secret.

it makes me think of shows like Family Matters, Step by Step, and Full House. none of which i watched. during their initial airing anyway, but i remember so many sixth grade girls who couldn't get enough. i will say however, that over the years i have watched many a re-run of Full House. and it is so bad. no regrets. tgif also makes me think of middle-aged white men, saying "tgif!" which is just as amusing. oh man. it's funny.

{doom.}

today my alarm didn't go off. i had to be here at 7am, and woke at 6:36am. it takes ten minutes to bike to school. i hate my outfit. it makes me feel dumpy. or at least frumpy. mostly chubby. i didn't have a key to get into the building either. so this kinndy named Zach and i had to bust in, which was easy, because one of the doors was unlocked. we tripped the alarm and ran down the halls. it was funny, but also stupid, because they haven't given me a damn key yet. i'm making it through each day. slowly. if i can make it through this week? oh God. that will be a feat. twelve hour days with ADHD kids are not fun. i can't imagine having one of those. or teaching them. this kid. one on one he's alright, pretty sweet actually, but in class he is literally taking years away from my life, in a span of minutes. i can feel it happening. so that lasts until friday. saturday i spend the entire day "babysitting". from about 9am - probably after midnight. i have overextended myself, like an moron. then sunday i work at the waffle box. why do waffles continuously work their way into my life. maybe it's a calling... monday and tuesday are the last two days of school, sans psychokid. they'll be a breeze. then. we drink. heavily. jeff will be back from his hiking trip, also done with his school kids, and his birthday would have been on monday. so i think we'll have a good ol fashion blow out.

why am i telling you all this? because i have a few minutes to kill, and i have to tell someone, and if i write it all out it won't seem so overwhelming. just gotta make it through the weekend... pray for mojo. now i have to go hang in recess, where the boys will require i play freeze-tag with them. which is usually sweet, but today sucks, so i'm not entirely down.

(edit) later...

okay. so i had a breakdown in the teacher's lounge. now i'm over it.
I'M OVER IT ALL DAMMIT!

{ offerings. }

some days i feel i have nothing to offer anyone. i am boring. there is nothing special about me. i am not neat. or creative. or gifted. or intelligent. i see so many people and things that are so wonderful and beautiful all the time and everywhere i turn with love in me. and then i think about myself and the lack-lack-lacking. it's a weird day. i am still grateful. but something's gotta give and i want to be front row center. get these thoughts out of my head space.