4.30.2004

What I hate most about this town is the constant retelling of stories. I do it, I know. But I'm trying not to/stopping. I think I've heard at least fifty times this week that some kid hung himself. Actually he lived down the street from me, and I drove by when all the firetrucks and ambulances were there. The whole ordeal just generally makes me angry. How selfish. But the thing that bothers me the most is that after his mom found his body, she went to the coach that had sent him home for dipping, and told this coach that he had killed her son. Now, I know if that were to happen to me, I would certainly freak, however, how could you tell an individual that they were the means that killed someone. Honestly, the kid signed a contract agreeing he would refrain from using any tobacco products. The other weird thing is, that before this kid went to practice, he asked the girl's baseball, or softball rather, team if they could tell he had chew in his mouth. They said yes, he said good. I just don't think this is a case where people can say, "Oh, if only he hadn't been sent home from baseball practice." or "If only people would have noticed his plight." I think this kid wanted to die, and he wanted to be noticed. It's one of those deals where you say to yourself, "I'm going to kill myself, then everyone will notice." But your dead anyway, so you don't get to witness the drama and revenge. Whatever, I'm upset and sorry he died, but what a selfish a.sshole. Seriously. It infuriates me. But what I have learned from all this is that the body is a vessel. It is a temporary thing. The kid that killed himself, his vessel is useless, he no longer resides in it. I almost went to look at him during his wake. Just to see the body of a stranger, who meant nothing to me. That sounds creepy. But when the deceased is someone you don't have that emotional bond to, it's easy to identify that it's just a body, and no one is using it anymore. Weird weirdness.
On a lighter topic, someone told me the other day that I act very dignified. I took it as a compliment. I suppose I do have a certain aura about me that could be seen as that. Not conceded however. I'd like to be seen as a humble, dignified person. That would be nice.

4.28.2004

I hate feeling like I all alone with my crazy ideas. Lately, the age gap between Lauren and I has been rather evident, which is less than fun. Silly petty arguments. And no one is taking initiative on this film project except me. I'm really trying, because this is what I want to do. I want to do this starting now. I'm growing tired of this town at an accelerated pace. You know, accelerating is either speeding up, slowing down or changing directions. Not just getting faster. Whoever decided to call the gas peddle the "accelerator" wasn't thinking. I still haven't found the time to see The Ladykillers. I haven't heard anything good, but I really want to see it for myself. Lauren and I are going to see it all dolled up. With dresses and fur coats and white gloves. Yes, it will be marvelous. Fabulous even. Here is my song for right now. Associating with my life quite well. Thank you Beck.

Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

ThereÂ’s a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

4.22.2004

Things are getting bad with my brother. He's doing a lot of stupid shit in order to fit in to popular society. He thinks that the rents don't have a clue, which to me, after going through all that is hilarious. But I'm conflicted. I want him to be happy and free, but the decisions he's making are stupid. Really stupid. And the people he's associating himself with are bad, hippy-wanna-be, stupid people. I told my mom tonight, that if this continues, something bad will happen. I guess this has also inspired me to get my life together. Stop making my own stupid decisions. Lauren and I are going on vacation in a while though, after school let's out. It will be refreshing.

4.08.2004

I'm neglecting my job right now. I've been working at Pizo's since 4pm, until 12:45 am, and then here, in the holy of holies, since 1:3am. I really haven't done too incredibly much. I'm sort of excited. My friend Clark and I were discussing moving to Europe today, which I'm completely for. I'd like to study over there. See some shit. Wander and be away from here. And it'll be nice going with someone I know. This other guy Andy, is planning on going as well. He's extremely cool as well. One of the coolest guys I've ever met. He's just simple and nice, and hasn't ever said anything bad about anyone, which you would think too much about, but think about all the people you know that do that, and how much you do it. I know I do it. I enjoy his lack of drama. Anyway, I hope I'm not coming off like I have a crush on him. I don't, he's just plain cool. Anyhow, this post seems stupid. Yeah, so I think I may be going to Europe in the next year or so. Travel and then go to school. Clark said he might even go to school there, which would be good for him. I hate being at this school late at night. It's unnerving. Well, that's all.

4.04.2004

I haven't been doing a very good job of controlling what I say lately. I feel like I keep trying to get attention, which I suppose I am. I keep insulting myself in front of people, something I haven't done for quite some time, but I'm starting the trend again. Let's hope that I can get over this and just be who I am, and be pleased and content with that. It seems like everyone else does this so smoothly, as though I am the only one who has complications with my self image. I don't know. Everyone is probably just as messed up in the head as I am, I just have to realize that and not feel like such a shit head for being who I am. And by "being who I am" I don't me "this is me so deal with it." I do intend to change myself over time, I just need to accept the fact that I am not perfect, never shall become perfect, and I should be happy with what I have been given. That's all I have to say right now.