I have this friend. This friend that I care about tremendously. And this friend is killing me more and more inside and out everyday. Every freakin day. And I keep going over to his house. I keep hanging out or trying to, and investing my time, and investing my love into this friend. Who makes me hate myself more and more inside and out everyday. It's almost like the more love I give to him, the more I take away from myself. And I don't know why I keep putting stock into this friendship. He has practically taken the love I have for everything else in this world, and made me forget. Why do people choose to have such friends. I can honestly say I do, and I don't know why I do it. I hate myself because of this person. I hate the way I look and talk and laugh. I feel like the ideas that I have aren't good enough anymore, and this I'm just this status quo person. Like I'm just living for the sake of breathing, and that's about it. I have never had a very good self concept. I was doing just fine for a while, but gradually I have given up on this idea of self-love. I wrote the other day, "I hate who I am now, but look forward to becoming worse." I've become so comfortable with this idea of hating everything about myself. I've warped my own mind into this crazy state of depression. I feel like I've given up on everything. So whatever man, "with friends like you, who needs friends. (spit)" That's supposed to be from Rushmore. With the "spit" and all. I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. I know I want to make friends with other people who will lift me up, and challenge me to be a higher person, but I'm so lonely right now all I can do is retreat back to the same individuals that kill me inside. I was talking to a friend tonight about how I can't stand insincere people, but somehow I've managed to surround myself with them. People who only think about themselves, and I would say that is not an exaggeration. I don't mean that about everyone I know, but many. This world of Bowling Green where everyone is looking our for their person and their position in everything. Whatever. I have however found contentment in doing things for people, while at the same time being well aware of the fact that they don't even notice. I say "whatever" to that as well. I can see where there has been progression in my life, but I also see that I hate myself, which is not a good thing... at all. No sir, not-at-all. Hopefully I can cut the ties, which I don't want to because I love some of these people, but you can only withstand so much, I suppose. I think when a friendship gets to the point where every time you part from the company of a friend, and start bawling, it's time to end whatever messed up kind of a relationship you have with them. Part of me is writing this and thinking of how true it is, and the other half is saying, "Yeah, right Megan, we'll see how long this will last..." Who knows. I sure don't. I just know that I'm sad all the time. And I have become very set in this depression. This individual is making me hate myself everyday. And even if it's unintentional, the drama they create is leading up to all this. Tearing me up inside every moment I think about them or see them. What is most upsetting is the fact that there are many things in this world that make me think of that person. So many things that I love. F.uck me for ever loving them.