I don't really have much to say. today is weird. it's my birthday, and this day tends to freak me out. i don't understand it; i'm happy, but at the same time dreadfully depressed. and i am trying so hard to let today be just a day, like all the others. but it's hard. i am just so overwhelmed with emotions right now. as stupid as it sounds, all i actually want for this day is to be vulnerable and held, wrapped up in a huge, down comforter. that's it. and a bottle of wine. maybe this day just makes me question my accomplishments, and where i'm going. i am really torn up lately about what i'm going to do in life. i need to make some executive decisions. i need to figure out what i want out of life, presently, not necessarily for the years to come. i can’t make solid future plans. i’m not exceptional at that, and have no desire to. i won't say, "i want to be an art teacher or an art curator." that's silly to me right now. i hate it when people tell me what i'm good at, and how i should apply that to a future career. it kills me inside. i know what i really want to do, but i'm trying to be realistic, and consider what other people say, while still understanding what i want, what i'm willing to do to achieve that, what i'm willing to give up, and how i'm willing to live my life. if that makes sense. i know what i want, it's just the process i need to figure out. but for now, i can either continue school, and wait for the good stuff to come around, which it will in the next year, or quit school for a while and focus on what i really want to do. but it's really a struggle for me to work through this lack of creative thinking in the classes i’m taking now. my poetry class is a delight (despite its small size and intro class subject matter, it’s still motivating) but as for psychology (intro class = the absence of learning), cultural anthropology (apparently, even when it’s not an intro class, the same basic material covered in an intro class is really all that is “studied”, expanding very little upon it), pop culture (don’t even get me started on the hollowness of this class), and art history (which is interesting, but also on a saturday, so that’s a trip) there isn’t much substance to my education right now. it is excruciating for me to sit in these classes. but once all of this crap is over and done, which will hopefully be at the end of next semester, i can anticipate the commencement of doing what i love. i guess the summer isn't too far away. so let's vote for continuing with this shit, and hoping that it will all be over before i know it. yes. wow, writing all of this nonsense down made it so much easier to contemplate. how about that. and now i’m feeling a little better. apart from all of this school talk pertaining to my "struggles," i consider how privileged i am and whatever, but i while trying to appreciate that i keep thinking about how useless all of this is right now. i'm paying $300 a class to not learn, but still having to be responsible enough to get good grades and turn in bullshit assignments that don't mean anything to me. so yeah, i'm blessed in life, but this education system has gotten to me for so many years it's ridiculous. i was talking to this girl from France in my cultural anthropoloogy class, who explained to me that in Europe you go to college instantly doing what you set out to do. Not taking these stupid classes that help turn you into a more "well-rounded" individual. stupid. life is just too weird for me, i think. too weird to try to solve. thanksgiving (i think that is the stupidest name for a holiday) was alright. over the past few years, i have found myself feeling so strange and different and awkward at family dinners. i start to have these slight panic attacks and get really nauseous and feel like i’m in a parallel universe. it’s worse now that all of my cousins are in california. i love my family so incredibly much, but i don’t think they will ever understand me, which sounds melodramatic, but whatever. for the first time, i feel okay with leaving ohio. i have often worried about moving far away from them, but i think it’s finally getting to that time where it wouldn’t be too big of a deal. i have quite a family connection. more so than most people i know. apart from family i’ve always been a loner. for as long as i can remember. i think that recently it’s been a matter of accepting that this is how things are going to be, and i will forever be strangely separated from the rest of the world. i hope that doesn’t come off sounding superior or pitiful or martyristic (not a word), but that’s how i see things, and this is how it’s always been, through elementary school, junior high, high school, and now college. whatever. it isn’t a big deal, and i’m not at all trying to turn it into one, which i think i have been doing lately. it’s just a matter of accepting the facts, i guess. if i were to analyze the last twelve months of my life, i would say that this is why everything has been pretty fucked up and transitional, because of this overwhelming sense of solitude that has been eating away at my brain. and i’m beginning to see myself clinging to people who give me this feeling that i connect with other humans. because at times, it seems there are so few out there. but i’m sure there will be more, and I can’t predict the future nor have I ever tried to, but that sense of mystery tends to scares the daylights out of me. there’s no point in dwelling upon any of this crap. alone is okay. letting selected people in is okay. life is generally okay. and music is great. i love it so much, and i often feel that without it i would be dead. because i love it. perfect combinations of words and sounds. or just sounds. i think it’s so funny that a phrase could mean so much to me, and it would simply be words to someone else. that’s a riot. some pretty girl just watched me stuff a pastry in my mouth. ha. that must have been funny to watch. i love redheads. i’m glad you have the hair you have.