I haven't always been this cool.

Why are clothes so important? I will never ever figure that out; I will die not knowing why fashion and clothes matter. I want a piercing. That's what I want. I also want to understand the idea behind personal space. Why people in all cultures have differing invisible bubble parameters surrounding them. In the US I think the bubble is mighty big and that's strange. Maybe not strange, but I think from now on I'm going to try and get as close to people as I possibly can when initiating conversation. I'll do a study. My hypothesis is that people will either inch away, become awkward, or verbally explain to me how I'm making them uncomfortable. That's funny. I live in a movie of my own design. People say things like, "Life isn't a movie," and I think, "Wait, yes it is. It depends on how you look at it, and what circumstances and situations you place yourself in. If I'm, let's say, at a social gathering of sorts, I will find the most cinematic and strange place to sit or stand. I place myself in the most cinematically (Spellcheck says that isn't a word... is it?) aesthetic scenery. And I like it that way. I feel more comfortable. What it boils down to is you can be in a movie if you so choose. I do. I choose to be in a movie. That's why I listen to music pretty much constantly, unless I'm with other people. We all want a soundtrack. And this is why I can't just listen to anything at anytime. Finding what to listen to is such a precise process, you can't just pop in whatever the fuck. That's how I see it anyway. Let's say I wanted to listen to Beck, but was content in my mood of sullenness, I couldn't listen to Beck. I couldn't listen to Sea Change either, though. Because if I'm sullen, and not exactly depressed, listening to Sea Change would completely alter where I am emotionally. I would start to feel sad. At the same time though, if I were simply content and relaxed, I would listen to Sea Change, because it's soothing. I wouldn't have the symptoms of depression or an inkling of it, so, it wouldn't make me depressed. There. Yes. Oh my. I don't know if that made a lick of sense. Right now, I'm listening to Boards of Canada, because my day has been strange and somewhat gone awry, like most days. So I'm in a weird mood, like most days. What bad luck. School and I really don't get along. I wish we did. Life would be so much easier. I'm really stuck in my own brain right now, and it is such a frightening place to be at the moment. I need to talk with other humans. But usually that doesn't even help. I need to talk to other humans who I will allow into my brain. The ones who actually talk to me, not at me. That impact and stimulate my glial cells and neurons in a productive manner. Sending signals and transmitting electrical waves through my brain." reinforcing eliza. oh, eliza. who are you, eliza? no alcoholic beverages allowed. turkish and domestic blends. jimmy "the iceman" macneil. the ice keeps changing, but never my coffee. oil type: 10W. your application was selected for review in a process called "verification." list siblings and others. i'm reinforcing eliza. wash your hands often. hot surface can cause severe burns. do not touch. precise pilot. I love planes. reinforcing eliza. eliza. eliza. dayton timberline ranger. A/T. any time. who are you? eliza? where did you come from? stick your strong fingers in my brain, eliza.


andy or bruce

sitting, elbows on knees
"i could use a light"
to a big bulky man with an orange beard
camouflage pants
baseball cap and blue eyes
a circle of saliva surrounding
the ground around him

his nostrils flared
his heavy breathing
i could smell anxiety
sitting next to a pretty girl
him fiddling
i felt light headed as I smoked

smalltalksmalltalk
going into fire science
"are you going to fight...
fires?"
joining the army
he had inner aggression,
he guessed

"you seem like a nice enough lady"
we both draw
he wanted to be an animator
he wanted to move to florida
never panned out

don't forget i said
you should do what you love
forceful feelings
can be relieved through pencils too
you know
don't forget
you should do what you love

don't forget
do what you love
said it like eight times
he looked like an andy
or a bruce