i think people are consistently placed in the same situation under different circumstances all throughout life and sometimes they never get it right. that's what i just decided. it's like this never ending test. what fun. this extremely dolled up couple just walked out of grounds, and i stared at them until they saw me looking, then i looked away. but i was thinking about that after i turned my eyes away and thought, "they deserve to be stared at. look at them. that is some crazy hairdo, and i think it's interesting to see how other people look and dress and carry themselves as human beings on this earth. and i want to imagine who they are, or if they just came from church, or if they dress like that every day of the week. how much did she pay for those nails. how much did he pay for that suit. why is it that when people wear really nice work suits i think it's stupid, but when they wear second-hand suits i think it's marvelous? that's something to think about." so whatever. i'll stare if i want, and if they think it's rude, than that it just fine. because i don't know who they are anymore than they know who i am. i've been feeling very strange for the past couple days. it's been simultaneously pleasant and wretched. i'm just very confused by myself. i'm sure it's a combination of understandable things, for instance, the loads of things i have to get done by the end of this semester, which is rapidly approaching, my upcoming menstruation, which has caused my boobs to swell up, the fact that thanksgiving is over, and i ate a lot of food, so my body generally feels like shit, not to mention fatter, which is so disheartening. i've found that i'm only content with myself when i'm barely eating. whatever. i don't deny that i have a terrible complex, which i blame on society and my mother. and this whole birthday thing. i just hate being a spectacle, but it was so nice that everyone took me to dinner, and kelly gave me that beautiful print, which overjoyed me. i just feel really out of it at the moment. and i've been trying to be prudent with my income lately, but on my birthday i spent a lot of money on things. five dollars was spent on these two roses. the story behind that involves standing in front of the cla-zel and having a toothless man walk up to me asking if i wanted to donate money to homeless children. i can't say that i believed him, but had just been crying, and wanted to be left alone, so, i gave him the money and gave the roses to Lauren. the note i left her was the best part though, what with the toothless man story and everything. i wrote that i hoped they made her smile because then i wouldn't have wasted five bones. kelly and i just talked about minimalism for a while, it was nice and refreshing. i am just dying in school right now. it is so bittersweet for me to hear people talk about their projects and assignments and whatever pertaining to art. i long for my actual classes to begin. it will be nice. i've been making a lot of little paintings lately, but the thing about it is this: i have a project to be for school, so i sit down and try to do it, but get inspirationally distracted by something and paint or write or whatever about that neat thing that i am interested in. i finish that painting or whatever, look at it pleased, and feel very fulfilled, however, a moment later i realize that i still have that paper to write or that thing to do for class, so i stop feeling fulfilled and regress to feeling like a shit who is irresponsible all the time and never gets anything done. so the ideal idea is that my homework assignments will coincide with my love and i will be happy and making things and doing my assignments, and not feeling like a shit because i'll be getting everything i want to get done, done, while still feeling fulfilled and like i'm progressing as an artist. and that will be the beginning of my life.