12.01.2004

i've thought about this a thousand times. i don't think there is or will ever be anything like it. i think that a lot of what i'm emotionally going through right now has to do with hormones, however, tonight, while in the midst of these tears that came from nowhere, i decided to listen to lucky, and sometimes life is so pure, i don't know how to deal with it. i cry so many different tears, these were the combination of everything. mostly the manifestation a deep sense of affection. but they were nice, and relieving. just too pure and honest. i don't know if the rest of the world can make this connection. i don't know if i'm the only one who has to handle this complexity. i know i'm not. but why don't we sit and talk about these strange and bewildering emotions that pour out from time to time? why don't we secretly tell eachother about these instances? because they are indescribable. because we can't. never ever. not because they're are secrets, but because there aren't words to place upon such emotion. i really wonder. i really really wonder who feels this. and i don't think i'd ever want to attempt to verbally express it. it would cheapen anything i was feeling at the moment. it would just cheapen it. the other night i watched myself break down. and i don't know who that person behind that mirror, staring at me was. but whoever it was that i saw expressed such pure and utter beautiful brokenness. and i don't know if i will ever witness such sincerity ever again in my life. but either way, the images that i saw made it so much easier to accept the way i feel about life, and continue to live it, understanding so much more. realizing so much more about who i am, and creating a sense memory of appreciation, and the location where i do not want to be.

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