i'm ovulating.
here's more stupid:
you probably think that catfish dance
on a highwire
tentacle trapeze act
cut in half
my mother is dead
and all of her material possessions
are falling to pieces
i tried to tell her that these things happen.
tried to tell her
i tried to tell her that these things happen.
tried to tell her
i tried to tell her that these things happen.
tried to tell her
*
[i felt like writing a cheesy metaphorical love poem. it got out of hand but i think it's funny. which is the point.]
*
i love you like lisa frank loves
the color pink and puppies
like fire loves oxygen.
or my lungs like air and smoke
equally. you are both.
i love you like the alcoholics
love their beers and vodkas.
and all things pleasantly destructive.
that's not true.
i love you like snow loves to fall
and meteorologists love the sky
like wind loves blowing
like hair loves to grow
and shoes like socks
and socks love feet
and the way that feet love walking.
i love you like scissors love to cut
and pens love writing
like embers love to burn
like stomaches love food
and tongues love tasting
i love you like light loves illuminating
and night likes silence and secrets.
i love the way that
numbers love to add and subtract
divide or multiply
i love you the way that lips like talking
to people they enjoy especially.
and maybe all of these things don't love
the way i had imagined
it's simply just what they do so gladly
it's what is called for in their instances
completely necessary
for existence and production
it is all that needs to be done.
*
[i just creeped myself out a lot. i feed myself such lies. i don't know where they come from. some days i don't remember what actually happened and what my brain fabricated. it makes me very sad and confused and frantic.]
*
really fucking stupid nature
and i just love it. just love it.
have to catch
my breath
some seem the most lustworthy
an animalistic mentality has taken over
wondering if you read words
between too and backwards
hope you have a decoder watch and a condom
the charming biglipped and breasted
speckled skin and exfoliation
i'm no two~timer. but i'm no glancer either.
i like to look
and guess or dream
about secret engagements
and genitalistic interludes
acts of reproductive relationships
and the impossible
after sex cigarettes
those to wrap my lips around
sounds and motions we all desire
every once and all the time
is this the sinful nature
or are we all just too thirsty for
gratification
call it a human rite
consideration varies
with such spiritual animals
i know what i want always
*
counting seconds is a specialty
looking at everything, just to see it,
but taking nothing in at all.
i've tried to be alive every moment
life loses luster quickly
i'd like to let this machine enjoy it
but cause and effect makes for the destruction
of everything i have worked
so hard to have
so i hope you hear me
not knowing why
i'd just like to take comfort
and pleasure
in the warmth of a speckled body
we don't even have to clutter the air
with words
i'm sure you do hear
but we always convince ourselves
that they're talking to someone else
i'd like to give love
listen to harmonious melodies
find solace against skin
a softer body
my mind is not clearer
connections may be had
i don't know who you are
then again who am i
there's so much to work with.
*
always knew i was a dancer
but i move to my own pace apparently
maybe nothing's perfect
that's an actuality
i forget things sometimes
the burdens of the dreamers
i'd like to think that's okay
i'd also like to think
i love you
that thought extends to everyone
and not on purpose
that's just the way things are
i'm very affectionate and
endearing
because i love so much
it's just the ones i let in
that kill me
it's just the ones i try to open
that close me in their fingers
in an accidental handshake
an eyeshutting grip
incidental and completely my fault
so i have these internal realizations
it's not all bad, nothing negative
maybe it's exactly what i asked for
at very least what i need for now
nothing is negative when there's growth
*
[the church ladies and i agree that masturbation's not enough]
*
*
church ladies and i
agree that masturbation
is just not enough
*
i like them long in the tooth
and the more the better
the fine lined lovers
and high rising numbers
picking up quickly
no need to tell them what to do
older wiser skin
crows feet and smile lines
minds that have been around
i'd like to think
they know what's up.
***
[i'm not having a very good time. i don't have anything to say. i've lost all motivation. i'd like to hide away for a long time. i'd like to be dead. especially during those moments of gladness where i recognize that i am happy, and fear the inevitable sadness that will soon enough be knocking on my door. i'd like to be done with life during those points. because i am so scared of going back there. it's like a haunted house i have to live in. i'm like persephone. because i've eaten seeds of truth (i don't know what that means exactly) i'm forced to live with Hades for the majority of the year. in a miserable underworld. wow. that was really random. my insides hurt a lot. i'm hoping that they're hunger pains, not youvedestroyedanotherpartofyourbody pains. i live in a very strange world in my head. more that anything i want to take someone up there with me. but i've realized how impossible that is. the more you attempt to draw people into yourself, the more you make yourself feel separated. and maybe that's not true at all, but that's how i've been seeing things lately. i've had this overwhelming sense of inevitability lately. the inevitability of death and sorrow and decay and everything painful really. it's all going to happen. i can do most things on my own lately. so i'm not too worried. i still love very deeply. that's also an inevitability. i can't help loving as much as i do. things are very strange now. things have been strange for some time. i'm only sort of writing anymore. it's all just kind of coming to me at random. my inability to maintain the clarity of my mind, or the comfort of living, or satisfaction in myself, happiness, these are all inevitabilities. i'd like to see the grass made greener. shirts tucked and shoes tied. not really. not at all. i'd like to listen to softer melodies. i'd like to lie in grass during the warmer months. i don't like the delay. i'd like to get out of here. i don't know where i'm leaving exactly or where i might be going to, but the fact of the matter is that i don't like where i am now. sometimes when i've been drinking or whatever, when i'm not sober, i get really confused as to who everyone is. it's like one of those instances where you've stepped outside of yourself, and those who you are closest to become the most obvious stranges. i like it. it's weird and confusing and for a while, makes me forget all of my memories. who are all of these people. i feel like a face in a crowd. two eyes and a mouth in a see of faces. i'd like to yell a lot. i think that might make me feel a little better. i haven't washed my hair since last thursday. it's a good feeling.]
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
why does that make me a bad person?
..
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