my hair is short now.
i forgot my headphones today,
so all i hear is the clicks and snaps
of computers
and the ringing of my right ear.

i want to be dead,




but not really.


that is exactly how i feel.

[last night i talked with mr. deboe about that for a while. wanting to kill yourself, or wanting to be dead, but not forever yet. i would like to be dead for about the next year. then be alive again, and be like, "hey. here i am again. i'm not dead now."
but then i was thinking about the ultimate futility of that. why would i want to be dead for only a year. what would i be coming back to. i would have missed a years worth, which isn't a big deal, but being dead, then coming back just seems stupid to me now that i think about it. if you want to be dead, than die, and cease existence, let that be that. that's how i feel now, after more contemplation over the whole issue.
if you came back from the dead after a year of death, how would people even react. does it even matter. i imagine that no one would be too incredibly excited, then i would just end up killing myself again and saying, "for real this time." dead. yesterday, i was talking with a friend from high school who i rarely see, and she noticed my hair was short and said, "but you didn't shave it and kill yourself." and i was confused. then she said, "you used to say that you would shave your head and then kill yourself." and i said, "i did." she chuckled and said quietly, "all the time." i laughed perplexed and awkward laugh. i don't remember myself.]

i've memorized ink blots
slashed my own tires
dreams are full of masturbation
and i thought it was funny
i thought it was
funny, for a while
until cats opened the bedroom door
and i rolled over to witness
pretty backs and the perfect figures
meant to do me in.
things i could touch
my hands were too heavy
limbs lying limp at my sides
an instance lacking humor entirely

but the pillows and blankets smell nicenow
empty sweaters on the floor
very casual, very inadvertent
and bearing now naked purpose
so the cats came in then
and i curled up with them
so desperate for affection.

[sometimes i want to smother certain people with my love. i don't mean that in a suffocating sense. i want to pour it all over them, just cover them with warmth and affection, like a blanket. take naps. sometimes i can't think of anything more affectionate than afternoon naps. i wish people weren't so weird, so that i could do that and have no repercussions. no confused emotions. no jealousy and hurt. but that's okay. i just love specific individuals very much. and sometimes it's more fun to simply do small things to show it.]

silly little notions
they creep so softly
into the foregrounds of
everyday thinking.

regardless of how fucked up i felt last night, it was much fun. i really did enjoy myself. even more so now that i am recalling it. i'm enjoying the memory, especially when i misplace how ridiculously trivial i felt as a person for the majority of monday night, march 4th, 2000 and 5.




blah blah blah.
the cat's meow.
the dog does bark.
and this and that.
cat and mouse.
dog eats cat.
and down goes the whole mother fuckin farm.



[i've written that in here before, but some days it is perpetually in my head.]
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