well. tired enough as is. i was hoping to get a lot done tonight. but i’m afraid i’m too exhausted. i have a lot of ideas now however. i have for some time, but now they’re really taking shape in my brain. last night i had a tremendous dream, although frightening, and i anticipate turning that into a short film. tonight i served drinks to people with too much money. old money. and despite the fact that it was really weird and snobby, i turned out to be one hell of a bartender. i can open a bottle of wine is less than ten seconds. which i thought was pretty good. i got to say, “would you like the pinot noir or the pinot grisio.” and, if i do say so myself, i looked very sexy. in a lacey red and black, strapless dress. mighty attractive. i looked in the mirror and said, “you’re so beautiful.. today’s your big day.” not really, but i thought of that scene in salad fingers as i was getting ready. i had to shave my armpits, which made me very sad, but i did if for my dad’s snooty art function, and it didn’t seem like something to argue over. i’ve done that so many times, and it will grow back. i felt like margot tennenbaum, but a little more risqué. had dark eye makeup on, and the dress was very figure forming. nails red and fancy, pouring like the best. i felt like i was really lovely. but i guess it doesn’t really matter. i felt pretty, and the only people who saw me were old ogling men.

so i have two films in my mind at the moment. i don’t think i would call them “music videos,” but there’s no dialogue, and they are both backed by specific music. one has what i would call, a “floating quality” to it. i’m excited about both. i suppose it’s best that i would do them practically alone. in fact, i can’t really think of any other way in which to do them. but i am yearning very much as of late, for the sharing aspects of life. i like to share, and i can’t really do that right now, or for a time. which is really what makes me miss. not the week i’ve spent primarily alone, but the days upon days i have ahead of me to spend alone. not sharing like i’d wish to. that’s what’s eating me up. i won’t say it’s a bad thing. i think it’s good in the long run, but that doesn’t make now any more comfortable, and it doesn’t make me long any less. i never thought it would be so hard to not be capable of calling or seeing someone whenever i wanted, to tell them some silly little nonsense, a weird thought, or a strange thing that happened. and i want to very badly. i’m getting teary. i have however, been doing a splendid job of not letting upsets overwhelm me. there are approximately fifteen second spans in which i begin to cry, and then i pull myself together, gain perspective, realizing that thinking in such ways is fruitless. and even if i am making correct speculations, there isn’t anything i can do about future outcomes involving decision i don’t have the right to make. you can’t force someone love you. that is you can try all you like, but love is forever changing, and i can’t blame it for that. i wouldn’t have it any other way. it’s what makes life greater. i can handle that. i can accept it for what it is. this doesn’t ease my desire to share however. one of my most favorite things.
but these films will be great, to me at least. i am excited about them, their challenges, their lessons. i feel that if i didn’t want to share so much, i’d spend more time on myself, and my ideas and creations. i suppose there is a balance, which i have not acquired as of yet. that should be a goal, creating the balance of my love for art and other person. as much as i like to think that if i tried hard enough, i could simply be absorbed by my creative desires, i don’t think i really want that. not now at least. i love loving far too much. both are so rewarding to me. both fulfill me, but there needs to be equilibrium.
oh. did i mention i’m in a hotel in lima. i am. never felt so at home. hotels are great places for contemplation. they are very suitable for me. i enjoy them immensely. i’m sitting here, typing, topless. i believe i’ll move to Europe. it also seems suitable for me.
tonight i feel like my body is great. i feel beautiful, even without the dress and the makeup. i’m naked like i said. i only wish i had said person to share it with.