there are blood-sucking gnats. i'm smoking them out. they rise. eat steak for breakfast. adults form the habits of children. chocolate milk and pudding cups. does love wait in haunted attics? deep within myself the pointlessness of everything seems quite apparent. i can't do this anymore, and one minute i'm dressing like the future. saying future, speaking future into the camera. fifteen minutes later i'm under the covers. these fits of self-sufficiency. i wish they would last like relentless disease. but it's back and forth. i've always felt small. when i'm lonely it is truth. i am at my smallest. and i am not great. very fragile. don't tell me i am strong you liars. you have no idea what is going on. we need each other. i can't handle the absence of other hands on my head. and the world seems so good. and the fruit all smells so sweet. my bed a better place. and this is where i go to sleep alone. i can make myself be something beautiful for them to look at so they love me. but sometimes when i dream of being loved again it seems so empty. and no one will ever be inside of me. can i open myself wide enough? can i tell you all my thoughts? weep at your feet? and will you hear me. no one will ever know. there's no way out of me. there's no way to let a drop in. despite initial desire. after a time my words won't seem as lovely. my face won't seem sincere. and as i've come to know i will be boring in the eyes of what once held me dear. i will be casual. shall i try harder again? shall i bring them soup again. wash their sheets. try to make a life easier, because i chose to love? did i already write these words. why can't they escape me. like a used breath. but every used breath comes out the same. sometimes more passionate. but amidst the many times we breath, the sighs are far and few between. is that how the phrase goes. okay. okay. okay. i am very tired. my belly tells me i haven't eaten in a long while. let us wash our faces in each other's hands. let us kiss each other's eyelids.