out of context by now. psychoanalyzing the parts of myself that shouldn't exist anymore. or tampering with thoughts too much, turning them into problems. these city sidewalks so full of every hope ever had. and all the footsteps bring it back. i am slow going these days in such a bad way. self-inflicted lethargy and disappointments are my bed mates, my adulterated conscience. conning the science of good thought. i slowly build glass boxes around happiness. shut it out away from me and turn it into observation. i'm looking in these windows at what i don't know how to touch. now there are no attempts. just something pretty. brings me back to my contrived times. to beg for solutions. a last chance salvation by something human. medications can't stand to be afforded. for two reasons. you're much smarter. much stronger. conclude that i'm a bad memory, and i'll die. decide that i'm as i think i am. can i ever manifest my good. be what i am. the expectation in my head. and not my myriad of false starts. saying what doesn't need to be said. thinking like a washing machine. feeling sorry for it. all the time. cowering inside when in the room. disappointing everyone. letting them down. to be nothing nowhere seems so much nicer than being someone somewhere. having nothing to prove. give me this time to cultivate my worth, and when it's enough, present it. truth be told. i don't love myself because i don't think anyone else does. my self-worth is solely based on others affirmations. a giant anticipater and high expecter. that's right. it's true. the absolute. behind every word is desperation. i speak two separate stupid languages. and perpetually feel like no one's listening. only one heard every word i said. at least i thought so. that one time. i can't smoke my way out of this one. it's all changing, maybe ever, i can't tell too much anymore. and that's okay as long as i know i'm just this person. this one time. i'll try a little harder.


{do you remember that night in context.} i'm not making up shit. and the prettiest skies lie at night in oklahoma. space is much larger there. {can you see the moon that i saw hollow what's the use when i can see right through you.} i drove down the highway almost lacking light pollution. completely. got distracted and listened. let's go find distraction and listen. by ourselves remember. this may just be for me. my way of doing. and sometimes i hate it. how i have to do. {it makes no sense.} to me.


i'm not going down that road. i'm sick of you people. seekers. there's a way to live and a way to exist. both are different things don't forget or be confused. whatever makes you happy. go ahead tell yourself your happy. the way you want it. there's always something you don't really need that you can't let go of and it consumes you more than you'd like to let on. be stupid your heart out. let something stupid suck your heart out. i'm not going down that road. you think i'm jealous? let's all burn out justifying our causes. let's crumble self-deprecating blaming others. why don't we frame our compassionate achievements? how about it, let's compare heartache. who can whine so lovely and more often. who drank to excess during sickness. smoked with more conviction. i don't have time for this anymore. and if i choose to so lightly lend myself, that belongs to me. don't go grabbing for appreciation. i'll do what i do. i don't have time for anything else. having already wasted so much. and you won't really see me anymore. i don't want you to. i'm not ashamed or sorry. it's eating up my time in such a detrimental way. fuck this world's fair. it doesn't mean that i don't love you.