pray for me today. even if you don't, just try and fake it. a senseless state of self hate is solidifying inside of me. and i don't want to talk anymore. it's not my fault it's all my fault. at night the kids come in to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. with them they bring their sense of infallibility. and they act so infinite. i sit and watch, smoking endlessly and silently beseeching any higher cause to let me feel that way again. but it's true i've been dying for years, and more so now than ever i believe it. and i'm not really living. it seems that what i see in myself isn't there at all and every cell and fiber is simply stagnating. congealing slowly into the thick milky blemish that has come to be recognized as me. and i don't even see anymore, correctly. i don't remember visions. my breasts are rotting off, and i sit in the tub feeling for the tumors. there are lumps that won't go away like i've so kindly asked them to. i think of eating healthier foods, which turns into simply just not eating. the veins develop on my legs, and remind me of my mother. it doesn't matter how much your parents love you, they can't cure your lungs of cancer. or your epiglottis. and they'll tell you that you're fine. there's no hope. it's a vicious cycle of fear and antifear. they ending result of any self diagnosis is that i'm going to die soon, so i'd better just enjoy myself. everyone dies. i don't fear death. i'm terrified. the worst disease i've ever had is own mind. and i pray to god to help me be better than i am. to fix me. to save me from myself. i'd like to be so sturdy. but i'm not. and now i keep my fears and hatred silent and only to myself. because no one wants to hear anymore sad stories. and i don't want to tell them. and no one can cure you of yourself.