{american darling valve.}

the days are delightfully long. but never full enough. without a friend in the world, i went. we go to the bar after work to see a fellow teacher spin some records. meet up with the boyfriend, not mine, and both are saying this bar is so fantastic. to me it is just another bar. maybe i don't see it. i drink a nice red wine at five dollars a glass. but i know the bottle goes for ten dollars at the supermarket. you can't fool me, but i'll drink nonetheless. i am the third wheel. then the fourth. then fifth. don't listen to me. i'm just not interesting enough to quantify. my true desire is to simply talk and laugh. not necessarily be interesting. going on and on about my life and the things that i do is not my main goal. don't try and "hook me up" with anyone. if that much effort goes into making someone like me, save it. blah blah blah, again! they leave me drunk and practically alone, at a table, at the bar with strangers. my tolerance has dwindled. absolutely drunk, as in, red alert drunk, although i am very aware of it per usual. i feel like i'm gonna be sick. like i might barf in the bar, as in, right now, but i'm keeping it together. standing in the corner, staring at the ceiling, i am praying, directly to God, "please don't let me barf in this bar, in front of all these people." the teachers walk past asking where i'm going, "oh, i'm gonna go home now. i haveta go home now. ok. bye." yeah sure, we'll do this again sometime.. whoever is in the bathroom is taking way too long. forget it. composer regained. i leave and some bum asks for change. find my bike, only to ride it ever so poorly to the train stop. talking to myself. alone and once again don't have the money to pay fare, roll the dice. listen to cat power, i want another lady drunk; i have to feel connected to someone. and all this motion is making me sick again. old town/china town get off the train. there are so many people here. waiting for my transfer. fuck it, i'll just ride my bike a few stops up. alone in a lonely world. drunk and abandoned. my bike tire gets caught in the train tracks and i fly forward, crashing onto my face. get up, some man who is kind asks me if i'm okay. yeah, thanks for asking. he says it's happened to him before too. really, the slightest concern for my well-being means a lot right now. ride the train home, feeling defeated. PGE park. my bike chain hanging. try to fix it, covered in grease and oil. taco bell with bloody knees, eating like a desperate drunk. home and to bed.

the only things i truly did today were bathe three times, eat twice, and either nap, or lie in bed dreaming of love and killing bears on the appalachian trail with a knife and my future dog artax. called mom and dad. and others who didn't answer. now i'm out. drink drink drink. my poor left knee has only suffered since moving to portland, oregon. with spider bites and bike accidents. my shoulder aches. and my face is bruised. where were you then world? when i was alone and without any friends. i stare out the window at night and pray for someone to come and find me. i am always praying they come and find me. please, prove me wrong. send someone. i'm sick of hearing about people's sex lives. or verbally mulling over why someone is so neurotic, why they are the way they are. we are on this adventure together, yet everyone only has themselves to spit out about at every turn. i call my mother. i call my mother. she is my saviour in such a dry time. because she is hilariously off. she reminds me of myself when she speaks, so i know i'm not alone. the apples don't fall far. did you study me as i aged? discover my foibles before i did? when i was nine. when i was eighteen. when i was twenty-one. did you see who i was trying to be? did you see you in me?

i know that i am ill. and i feel that i am dying away like these times. take care of me. as if it made a difference. i wonder daily why i write things down, as though they are these magnanimous thoughts of life. i am lonely tonight. in this day and age. sitting at the table. listening to cars. missing my brothers. feelings alone. in a lonely world.