11:50 pm.

Tomorrow is a Friday. Still. Lately, I have been thinking about how I always look for instant gratification. And I always, in these circumstances, get what I want. But at the same time, I don't get what I want at all. I hinder myself from being wholly gratified in the future. By getting what I want during a simple moment, I loose something more fulfilling that would have happen in the future. This is killing me. I feel like I have no control over myself. There are things that I don't want to do, but at the moment they are presented to me, I crumble. I feel helpless. I feel like I completely lack will-power. And I hate that. I hate not having control over myself, because that is the one thing that I would think I could have control over. I loose my peace and my serenity because of this. And I feel so weak. On some occasions, I am stronger than I was the day before, but the ensuing event is always me falling apart and feeling more vulnerable and supine than ever before. I feel especially helpless now. It seems the only things I want, I can't have. So I compensate on a daily basis, filling up with things that pacify me for one more day. I feel very melodramatic right now. I am not being narcissistic. My feelings are overemphasized due to the fact that I have never felt this out of control about myself. But I want to stop physically destroying my body. I want to be healthy again. I want to be clean. That philospphy reminds me of these lyrics that I will exit with tonight: "I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice...when I'm not around. You're so fucking special. I wish I was special...but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."

12:11 am.