2.07.2004

So, my friend Lauren was just telling me about how she was staring into her cats face earlier today, and as she gazed, the cat began to look more and more like a human being. This scared the shit out of her, and she proceeded to push the cat forcefully away. She was scared of her cat. Weird. Drama kills me. For real. It kills my brain and my heart. I've been having a really hard time dealing with it lately. Every time I encounter it I just feel like walking away from the people causing it. You know, just leaving. Or I have these thoughts cross my mind while the drama is occurring. They mainly involve me freaking out and screaming and jumping out car doors to escape the annoyance of excess human emotion. Salvation fantasies is what I shall call them. And as my face hits the pavement I'll breath a sigh of relief. I'd like to make more friends. Searching for friends. I've never in my entire life been in a social group. I've never had a "clique" or a steady group of comrades. I don't think I'll ever have that either. I can't tell if that's sad or not. I've just always had Lauren. I think that is more than sufficient. She's the only one who understands the way my mind works. I'm moving in with another lady, and I don't think she knows how bizarre I am. I was joking around with Lauren at work the other day, and she looked at us like we were psychopaths. Is she in for a treat. That was nothing. Lauren and I made up this game this summer that involved pretending to be different people, usually lovers, arguing. We would start screaming at each other, then laugh hysterically. I can't imagine what people watching us thought. It would usually be between two lovers who had drifted apart, and were berating one another. She would say,
"I haven't loved you for years!"
"Well, you know my work keeps us apart. That new archeological dig in Egypt is a big deal, and I have no time for your petty emotions."
"It doesn't matter, I've been seeing someone else."
"Not that sleazy pool cleaner, Lucas."
"Yes, don't act so surprised. It's not anything new."
"You mean..."
"Yes, that's right, we've been together for about three years now, ever since he saved me from that escaped tiger. If you even cared a little you would have known. We leave for Aruba in four days."
"I see. Well, in that case I won't bother to put you in the Will."
"What in God's name do you have a Will for?! You're perfectly well."
"I don't suppose you care, but, well, you see, I'm dying. The doctor says I have a brain tumor the size of a grape fruit. I have about two months to live."
"No..."
"Don't act so sympathetic. I could never believe another word you said after all you just confessed to me."
"It can't be..."
"Well, it is, and you get nothing. You heartless bitch."

That was fun. I'm really tired. Stupid double shift. Stupid no fun that I had tonight. Stupid stupidness of people. Stupid song. What song you mean? Fuckin' bitches at the Holiday Inn. Augh. Get out of my brain. Well, all I have to say is that I... I don't know.

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