Subject to change and transition. As much as I love these things, to a larger extent they are certainly the most painful aspects of life. I am completely and utterly numb. The only emotion running through my body right now is grief. The only word that runs through my mind is "alone." So this is what I've been yearning for, emptiness. Well, Megan, was it what you had hoped it would be? I really didn't hope for anything except independence. That has been the major theme of my life for the past two years, what I've been constantly striving for. This sense of self. But now I see what I've done, and it doesn't feel productive at all. Did this really just happen, because everything feels like a dream right now. I'm seeing life so differently, as if I'm in a fishbowl, staring out at everyone else. I don't feel like part of the living anymore. I feel dead. I feel empty and alone. I don't want anything. Except peace, which is millions of miles away. I am a ghost. Or at least, that's how I feel. Like nothing at all. Like I have nothing inside me. But here I am, taking breaths, blinking, typing. Is this what I wanted all this time? A feeling of voidedness. It's funny how life plays tricks like this on your emotions. One minute you want out, and when you feel the cold air and become aware of the emptiness and nakedness that you have placed yourself in, you despritely want back inside. Funny. All I can think to do is write at the moment. That's all my mind knows how to do. I just ripped my own heart out. I just killed myself. For what purpose. I don't want anything, except what I had, but I wasn't even happy with that, so what's the point??? These are the moments... I don't even know what's going on right now. Here I am, in this town full of so so many people, and yet I still feel so alone. The world has become something that doesn't interest me anymore. People walk by, I see them, but they aren't really there. Because it doesn't matter anymore. There's no point. I'm all alone. All alone. Even though you tell yourself that you have people, all it really comes down to is you and your brain. Friend or foe? I can't tell. I have never in my life, although short, felt this empty and futile as a human being. Because I don't want anything anymore. Not a damn thing. Except to be happy again, like I used to be. Nothing was too much. It was warm. It was a happy time. And now I can't stop the tears and I think I should go to bed.