Anywhere seems better than here
i want to live when there's no electricity
when plugs and sockets didn't clutter the world
plastics and metals sticking out of the ground
and walls
i tried to think about how great i am
but instead i slept
i stayed in bed all day, most of the night
my body fighting for consciousness
just lying there
listening
and dreaming about all the things i want
all the emotions i'd like to be
all the people i know and have known
for the past half hour i've been sitting at a piano
for the next i'll be staring at a screen

i want you to know me better than anyone
i feel so apologetic
because i never told you
about my
you seemed to jump right into the boiling water
and i'll bet you're thinking
what did i do
whatwhatwhat
i've lost my tongue
i can't find my shoes
everything is up and down and everywhere
with me
all the time
that's what i forgot to say
that it's freezing in here
you're going to get burnt
and the dog needs walking
it seems i've done it again

it's a mess
it's a complete and utter pigsty
i haven't done the dishes
there are papers and dust bunnies
mold covered mugs and empty bottles
i'm the paperweight holding it all in place
this way
the way i like it

my body is swelling again
hips spreading
well shit.
i can't say how sorry i am
i should have known better really
this is fucked
this is such a shame
because i'm so absent minded sometimes
we all have to cope with our flaws i guess
yes yes,
let's cope
i'll live alone
either that
or i can be sylvia and you can be ted
i'd prefer it otherwise
but that's coping that's learning that's finding the solution
and settling for less
rolling with punches
and taking one for the team
fuck.

that isn't the way i had planned it
all those nights when i put my head down and thought so many thoughts
all these dreams and images i learn in images
i see in pictures and colors
it was a nice day dream at night
it was a splendid little story i made up

last night i dreamt i was floating in a giant basket full of feathers
pillows and blankets
over ponds full of plants and age
old and stangnant
and i hovered above them dipping my feet in the waters when i chose to
delighted and alarmed
by the mystery of dark waters
where i've never tread
and when it seemed i would just fall right into the frightening unknown
bodies, i would be carried
back up in to the sky
and laugh and my own fear
i could feel it,
in my throat
so scared i could have wept
i floated through trees and swamp in a crescent shaped basket
just floating
just above the water
crawling with filth and slime and everything disgusting
i am barely above it now.
even now
i sit and i can smell the rotting smells
the mildew and the decay
and it's funny
because
i hadn't thought of it that way