some man just looked at me and said, "flip-flops?" and i said, "yeah." and he said, "why not, right?" and I said, "sometimes i get claustrophobic, and start to sweat a lot when i wear shoes." and he said, "oh, well, have a good one." and left. i said, "you, too, sir."

nothing pesters me more than calling someone, and having them talk to someone else, while you're trying to talk with them. i try not to do it, because it infuriates the piss out of me. i really start to lose it. i mean, how fucking rude. my mom just did it to me, and lauren does it all the time. and when they laugh at other people, while i sit there and wait for them to shut the fuck up, and let me finish what i was saying. i know i've done it, but i usually catch myself. AH! that's makes me so irritated!

here's something i wrote a while ago:

i wanted to get away
out of my head
for an hour or so
a break from my brain
find contentment in someone else

anything seems better than this
here, with people everywhere
talking and touching
never to me- not even at
so desperate for arms, a tongue
mine aren't good enough

why can't i find solace in myself
why do i need other people to breathe

i have so much to give
to whoever might want it
the select few
i've pointed at
don't appear to interested
after a spell

i'd like to see the grass remain greener
when i get there
and not only from a distance

and here's something i wrote the other day:

windshield wipers don't work
and there's ice in my eyes
hydroplane induced spinouts
fishtailing explosive blowouts
i should have turned around
pay attention
eyes on the road
ash in the ice
i can't
i'm swerving
driving like a maniac
dashboard disaster
dedicated to this dynamite

i think that poem is funny, because i wrote it while i was driving, during an ice storm, when i should have had my hands on the steering wheel. i've sort of come to this weird block. i feel i've covered the same material so many times. it's losing its luster. but i keep writing because i have to. i'm sure that i'll figure it all out. it's just really frustrating right now. right now i'm wearing the pants i made in high school for single survival, an orange and green plaid bathrobe with a huge tear in the back, and a nice blazer that i bought at goodwill the other day. my mom said i look rather fetching, and i don't know how to spell that because we all know i'm a terrible speller. i think i look great. but my insides hurt a lot right now, and i'm really dizzy. i'm listening to "alone in kyoto" and i love this song. i think i'm going to purchase a Polaroid camera- oh that reminds me, here's something i wrote the other night when i was drunk:

a sleeve across the face
the Polaroid pictures
i don't know why i feel at all
stop asking
and pressing
beats into my brain
i understand you, now
i know what the words mean
as i shake and seize
in the snow
it's true
and beautiful
lovely sounds.
for me.
i have to get out of here.
there are those in my pocket
i don't want them,
not at all.
so help me get out-
i would die here
so, it's only up to you-
jesus.
i'll cry for you-
beg.
what's the use?
in trying too hard?
none but love.

i can't handle sounds
i want to leave
only when i drink
and it's too cold
and blowing smoke and blowing air
get off ash- leave me be
i am all alone
and full of your hope
your beats and breath
tongue and cheek
stay forever, this
the music stopped
but it never did
because i kept on writing.

talk about your average nonsense! i know i was listening to radiohead, and i know that i was making less than my normal amount of sense at that instance. and that's about it.