everything has a diabolical cause behind it. the man washing the interior of his car. doing laundry. simply walking around the parking lot. all these men, washing away their nasty deeds, walking away their guilt. hunting me down. closing in. their teeth are clenched shut for now, in a dastardly grin. waiting to gnash down on all that is vulnerable. trying to be less evident to the world. impossible to blend in. the burning of my belly tells me there is trouble. the lump on the side of my neck has no rhyme or reason. and i wish it would go away and leave me in peace. my body itches from innumerable insect bites. my skin is hot with fever from dehydration. do i have sickness or not. i'd like to sleep any suspicions away. laugh away fear with friends. have my mother hold me in her healing arms. instead i'm smoking, as a medication. and everyone is evil. i wish i didn't feel this way. i wish i weren't so terrified all the time. felt so unknowingly observed. i want to love, but this world doesn't make for trusting.