has this life become so boring? i feel it is when i talk on the phone. when i tell my stories. i am constantly questioning my own pettiness. someone told me that i would stop feeling so anxious and depressed if i just recognized that life isn't constantly exciting. but i find that advice hard to grasp. for as boring as my days are i still find so much pleasure in them. maybe not minute after minute, but there are always interesting things happening. always strange social interactions and instances. i find myself forever in this state of quiet fascination witht the world around me. why it acts in such a way. why people say the things they do, or insert strange antecdotes into conversations with complete strangers. everyone is searching for common ground. everyone strives to be different. or they don't. either way it intrigues me. and i feel like a satillite. just orbiting, unnoticed. most days i feel completely invisible. except for on the rare occasions where someone asks me if i'm gay because i have short hair. i've begun to tell them, "yes, but only when my hair is short. when it's long i'm completely straight. because i base my entire sexual orientation on the length of my hair. the other day i was walking to the movies and some teenage boys in a beat up buick rolled down their window to call me a faggot. i turned to look at them, and upon doing this they realized i was a girl, laughed and drove away. the world is funny to me. and i for the life of me, i couldn't understand why they would even bother to make any remark at all. as though it were some concern of theirs. like they had to defend their masculinity by demeaning my own. assuming i were gay man. which i would like to add, i completely felt like the other day. i'm sure that statement doesn't make any sense, and i accept that. honestly i have no explanation for the feelings i had. and even if i were to try an elaborate, it wouldn't make any sense. sometimes i wonder where my head is. and being alone so much probably doesn't ground me any. i've become a complete hypochondriac. having no one to tell me i'm not dying. what if i have a brain tumor the size of a tennis ball, and that's what's causing all these strange thoughts. what if i've had it since infancey. i miss my doctor. they tell me it's just the bad air down here, but i'm beginnging to think there is a blood clot in the back of my head. all this to say, mississippi is a terrible place. containing lots and lots of sad people i contend with on a daily basis. they tell me their stories in tears. and i have lost my sense of apathy. i trust no one. i let no one in.