i want to live alone
and be consumed
by every one of my self-loathing
self-indulgent whims
secretly succumb to my silent vulnerabilities
become skin and bone
transcend even myself
and not know where to go
no one knowing
but wondering if they do
while i sit in the closet
in the dark
drunk and telling myself i'm beautiful
everyone cares sort of
drink bottle after bottle
until i'm gripping the carpet
trembling with my own deep frustration
and curiosity
making the neighbors wonder
folded over in the bathroom
for hours on end staring into the mirror
watching my hair grow long and unkempt
thinking of everyone i've ever met or loved in my life
and how i don't know them now
and don't know myself
and don't particularly care to
despondent and catatonic
getting dressed
stepping out
into day
and pretending like none of that ever really happened