{drunk like me.}

i'm running this train into the river tonight
it's been a long time comin'.

it was there. and you took it.
one giant step back.
allowing the heart to work its way
past the breastplate
handling it softy
and holding it to teeth
you ate. every last bite.
with the consistency of gravel
scraping down your gullet
and dropping heavy
it splintered through innards.

what's a girl like me to do
with these contented days.

i start to miss the bygone grief
and crave it's complexities.
life can't be this simple, i say
over analyzing its ease
make myself some problems
stop filtering thoughts
let the clouds roll in.
smarter darlings wake up.
don't play the part of stupid.

i'm running this train into the river.
rollings up my sleeves.
kissing me goodbye.



i'm listening to animal collective, and as delightfully happy as these songs are, i'm wrecked with sadness. i think it's one of those "too many memories" moments. where i miss people, despite the fact that i'm better off without them. or at least fine. i need a friend. to do interpretive dances with. and play baseball in the park with. and sing songs by the river with. there has forever been this huge hole in my heart. i want it to go away. but i'm pretty sure that's impossible. here on earth. this house is sad.

i think a large part of all these emotions involves my moving. again. and this strange inability to get close to people. i want to leave again, and just travel around the world talking to no one. just being alone. but i know that will be lonely, after the initial excitement. i want lots of love right now. where i don't have to worry about shit or complications, because there's people love. that feeling i just described is impossible to textualize. i did my best. days are strange. i love them, despite their lonelinesses. feelings. feelings. feelings. leave me alone.