"I'm a little bit lonely these days."

Something along the lines of that. Well, that line describes me at the moment, and usually. I've found that you can be surrounded by people, and still feel painfully alone. However, I have been very inspired lately. This sense of "doing" has overwhelmed me. I may still have insecurities, but they won't stop me from simply doing. This idea began last night when discussing with my friends who have graduated from college what they are going to do with their lives. Not so much discussing what they are going to do, so much as them recognizing that they don't have a clue as to what they want to do. We discussed society's standards of success and what you need to be a "qualified" individual, and how both of these concepts are ridiculous. I was talking to my friend Jason, a marvelous person, who pointed out that in our society, if something isn't seen it doesn't exist. For instance, a "rock band" or a famous artist, someone who has been recognized by the masses will be seen as successful, and the people like me who might make a painting that makes me smile and maybe some of my friends won't be recognized. I don't know if this is making sense, it's a lot more difficult to write as opposed to verbalize. Anyway, so the idea of success has been skewed. And people strive to find something big and prestigious to do instead of pursuing their loves and dreams. It's messed up. Hobbies is a different story. But what it all boils down to is a sense of fulfillment, and people need to learn to do what comes naturally to them. But I think a lot of people don't recognize those things because they come so naturally. Like quilting or cooking or writing, and are constantly in pursuit of things that are bigger, when in reality it shouldn't be because it's right there in front of them. Those things can be expanded upon as well. Maybe people are just looking too hard. Not to mention people find it hard to be themselves and use there own brilliance. Like if you were to listen to Radiohead and think, "Wow, they sure do rock my socks. I could never be like them. They're too good." But that isn't even the point, because why would you want to be like them. Influenced maybe, inspired, yes. But when YOU do what comes naturally to YOU, and use your own creativity and individualism you would see that you are brilliant. Once again, I'm not sure if any of this is connecting together correctly, but whatever. So yes, the moral of the story is that because of this realization I have decided to do what comes naturally to me, and expand upon that. I have several projects lined up: A film project with some friends. We bought a camera and are going to start a "film society," because I like the word "society." I'm also doing a photography project with Blanche, because I just acquired some photo paper, which is really expensive, but I got it for free. I'm contemplating a music gig with Eric, which will include jazz and red dresses. And some friends and I are starting up a Bible study for "alternative Christians." I'm sure that'll be misinterpreted, but whatever. Which reminds me, I hate those posters or signs that say, "Don't forget... I have everything under control. Love, God (Your Father)" How strange. I just think they're cheesy. I feel I must do. But I am feeling very lonely, and deprived of fellowship. I went to church on Sunday with my mom, and it always makes me feel very strange. I just feel looked down upon or shunned or hated. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. It's just weird because I used to be so involved with the church, the I denounced it, and now I'm coming back around, and there is awkwardness. But on a final note I will say this: Today through some strange chain of associations, I had this memory pop into my head, and I had this horrifying realization in reference to that memory, in other words I figured something out, and now I feel like a giant asshole. I literally felt my face turn red as I realized something I had ignorantly said so someone years ago. What a moron I am.