Some days I feel like I'm dying. This is one of those days. And this is also my favorite song at the moment. It's so pretty and appropriate:

i better be quiet now
elliot smith

wish you gave me your number
wish i could call you today, just to hear a voice
i got a long way to go
getting further away
if i didn't know the difference
living alone'd probably be ok
it wouldn't be lonely
i got a long way to go
getting further away
a lot of hours to occupy,
it was easy when i didn't know you yet
things i'd have to forget
but i better be quiet now
i'm tired of wasting my breath
carrying on and getting upset
maybe i got a problem,
but that's not what i wanted to say
i'd prefer to say nothing.
i got a long way to go
getting further away.
had a dream as an army man with an order
just to march in my place
while a dead enemy screams in my face
but i better be quiet now
i'm tired of wasting my breath
carrying on, not over it yet
wish i knew what you're doing
and why you want to do it this way,
so i can't go the distance
i got a long way to go
getting further away
i got a long way to go
getting further away

I don't know if all the lyrics are right, but oh well. You get the idea.

Well. Hm. I just did a crazy thing, and I think it's funny, but I think the other kids in the computer lab probably don't. Or maybe they do, but in a bad way. I just was looking up Elliot Smith lyrics whilst listening to Elliot Smith on my headphones, and all of the sudden started to sing this song to myself. Which doesn't seem like such a big deal, but honestly, usually when things feel that weird and I recognize them suddenly, I would image they probably are strange. The thing is, I Couldn't hear myself singing, I just realized I was. I wasn't that loud, but it's pretty quite in the library. I tried to cover it up like I'd been humming or something, and looked at the ceiling and all around the room, as though I were pondering or looking for something, but I think that just made me look even crazier. Listening to Headphones in libraries reminds me of every day in the last two years of high school. I know we weren't aloud to listen to headphones, but I can't remember getting in trouble very often about them, even though I listened to them everyday. I have this fear at the moment that I'll grow older, about 40 or so, and still be so depressed. I'll pop out some kids, and when they are old enough to realize anything they'll go up to daddy with curious eyes and ask, "Daddy, why is mommy sleeping all the time?" or "Daddy, why does mommy smoke so many cigarettes? Doesn't she know they're bad for her?" Because in my experience, kids as young as 4 already know that cigarettes are bad for you. So yeah, for a while my children will silently resent me, and then as they grow they'll learn how to verbally show me how pathetic I am. I don't think I could ever imagine dealing with that. Creating something, and then that creation telling you that you're wasting your life and you're pathetic. I'd probably say, "Well, I made you didn't I?" That's frightening. I want to be asleep right now, but, off to work... It's getting harder and harder to press through every responsibility, but at the same time I feel more motivation because I can sense that everything is about to be so so f.ucked in my life if I don't do something about it now. Therein lies the test. Determining whether or not anything is really worth saving.