i like to think about all the lives i have created in my mind. dozens and dozens of fabricated relationships, scenarios and instances lived throughout my life. i can visit them when i want, or drop them when i lose interest. humans are consistently searching for their "ideal" mate, i feel. it's pretty aimless and there is no merit or true value in daydreams. but i find myself doing it a lot. i have held so many people in my imaginary arms, while i reach for sleep. and they will never ever know. i think it is beautiful. it's best though, is when you don't even personally know the individual you are attracted to, because to you they are perfect, and in imaginary scenarios, you are perfect to them. i tend to do this a lot with artists. i'll witness their art and maybe see a face, and "love" them in my own head. better yet, daydreaming about someone all the time, you get them, and then you keep day dreaming about them. i day dream a lot. today i didn't want to do anything but day dream. i didn't want to "go" anywhere, so i stayed up in my head. i was perfectly content in my own little world throughout the entire day, until i got home, when the only time i can correctly day dream is before i fall asleep. i wish i could feel better. i'm sick of myself. not sick however, of devendra banhart. never ever. he is very soothing. he makes me cry sweet, relieving tears. he makes me feel like my sins have been washed away. i feel very blasphemous saying that. but that is my description of devendra banhart. modest mouse makes me feel like i'm okay. like i'm not a bad person, and i can be sad and that's fine. i won't be judged, because maybe the next time i listen to them, they will make me euphoric. these are two incredibly different reactions created by musicians. i hope that someday i am capable of making something that will impact someone's life in such a way. i want to make someone feel like they are okay, and it's okay to be sad. and i would never ever judge them. not ever. i'd like to communicate love to someone i don't know. i do this in my mind everyday. and i wonder who hears me. i wonder if the people i do know and do love hear my love as accurately and loudly as i'd like them to. i wish they would. i really do. can you hear me? please do. this is a clear and simple message.

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why are you so
good
i sit in corners staring off
into the space of the eyes
and open mouths of everyone
cluttering the air with words
making me dizzy.
be so better to me
i know you do
we can, in a very concentrated way,
stare so blankly, acknowledgements combust
i believe in telepathy
it makes sense
so comforting to know we read minds
i like that connection, i live for it.
striving in a crowd of too many
verbal interactions about nothing
andso onsoforth
just looking for the face i want to meet
so i feel better
needing that security
because i've gotten so weak.
it is good
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when did i feel that i deserved the right to write a poem. or construct words as i please. what gives me the right to communicate any sort of a message to anyone else.