i can't make the sounds of my heart.
i'm trying
listen.
{-}
accidents ate the life blood
out of commission
muddied patience wears thin
hungry cats clawing at the doorstep of actuality
politeness lies lazy on the floor
and hopes hinge on supposed promises i made for myself
of ethereal laughter
it comes and goes. good and bad moments equally passing
just like they were known to be
even before they happened
an idea i can't quit masticating
and choking on.
how i adore
now comes the figuring
break after break after break
the math of brass tacks
hearts in the head of beer
bad dreams on sour beds.
better at quitting, safer
more rational moves.
talking in the tub to no one
but my bad skin and sense of security.
catch phrase: i'm trying.
given statement: figure it out.
so i am
alone. is best.
leave no traces. love no faces.
killing feelings with time
killing time with feelings
livers and whiskey.
legs fast asleep from waiting
makes it hard to move with any sense
of efficiency. let's try again
on wobbly legs for the fifth time
deny myself.
tell me i'm ridiculous.
that word has been resonating
pushed onto me like the two ton brick of inability.
baby boy your bad being buries me
but i'm digging up this grave
and baking pies out of myself.
{+}
you cut your hair and made a drink.
cried wolf.
moved away.
felt sorry, stood still, and gathered.
there isn't time for lonely.
and far less time for love.
dance softly on the balls of your feet
before you leave and death finds you
muttering in hotter water
wearing raincoats.
which one spoke sweeter.
it hurts me.
what child will grow to never know disdain.
them's the rules,
you said,
and pointed to a pin that read,
"use your words."
with white letters, it was red.
delivered like an obituary.
breathed into them like the eleventh commandment.
a lifeblood.
a werewolf.
you are the tailor to the five year olds.
a friend.
and they'll forget you.
before you know it.
speak well, be a dream.
don't let the young die so.
we lose ourselves so quickly.
no one can tell at seven
and a half.
{+}
don't go home or sleep in bed.
please, answer phones with caution.
drink in secret. make your music.
i can hear it and it's beautiful.
they're crooked. the whole lot.
old ladies play video poker to the left.
their faces falling.
find him. not here. go
the way you came but better and alone.
you want you only.
the rest fend for themselves.
but how i wished to love you
soft and skin and bone
it was beautiful to me and worthless.
go back to sleep
and look a little harder.
this time.
it's there.
i swear it.
{+}
BFF. we never talk.
and only spoke in simple tones. forgot the middle. i said i'm sure you'll be okay. and you were. so there. give me an A plus. at least a B for trying to help. for being- there when i was, after considering a possible mistake. my favourite thus far. true story. and i mean it. i enjoyed most every second. new boy, what's your name? i told you everything i know. preached to the choir. so i thought a hundred times until i realized no one can actually save you. not at all. don't even try. i swear. they're all liars.
and one more hour. we all bleed dry.
i'm just the one who sees it.
speak a secret lazy
i spent this much
with a lisp. and it's almost over.
please be tired of this by now.
move eastward with conviction.
finish your drinks quickly.
tell the same story twenty-one more times
until their ears are bleeding.
eyeball the crowd.
wait for the applause, your hands hot and steaming.
your mouth was simple as you waited trying to be sober.
start over, a new breath.
i was stronger then.
the life abounding before the fall.
the car was on fire, hands began the clap.
while too many of us fell onto the tracks
elated. whisked away by pirates and guitar strings.
fell through the cracks.
drank ourselves a saviour.
senior members of the drunk elite.
i won't be one no more.
don't do this here. not now. save yourselves. and let me tell you the story of drowning. my mother would insist with a shame in her heart. don't be like my daughter. this isn't what i saw when she was once the ancient form of self she carries now. she took after our bad habits.
message sent to mom:
i love you.
message hidden:
i am at the bar drinking and smoking. pray. i'm still a child. and don't trust myself. some old man named "carl" just gave me his number. i'm still hung up, like you wish i wasn't. for five years. i am weak sometimes. and seem to be doing the wrong things. all the time.
{+}
too many people to shit on. she's so sorry through words and empty promises. to say the phrase "iloveyou" means mostly nothing. wrestling in the baby pool. we both live in expired relationships. we long. and drink to stupid. use the cue and smoke to keep ourselves busy. make mistakes and laugh like lovers. maintain identities. while disliking who we are. i can still smell your fragrance. i can still taste the eggs you made with love. the beer we drank for life.
the next try. i've been bound
the one's that didn't love
couldn't help them to be better
people made of paper
old men won't stop talking
young men playing games
wearing the wrong shoes
lonely women at the bar
telling cat stories
recently broken women
explain their plight
every night.
to the same people
heads throbbing
being christian. being children.
falling over failing everyday.
not doing what's been asked
and counting the places they've slept.
{+}
i was heaven. i am stupid lonely wanting
on the heals of now and nevermore
an end to a craving, the burn so senseless
we were life and loving
now i am living eternal and separate
you can't come with me.
when you don't want to.
you are not my idea. of a good time.
smell the blood in the water.
my mind is a pasture.
goodnight.
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