{the letters you get after you're dead.}

dear sir or ma'am,

we have been trying to get a hold of you for some time. you're lack of response is simply unacceptable. if this behavior persists, we will have to take matters into our own hands. beginning with, but not limited to, subjecting you to the plague. now we don't know if your familiar with the plague, aka "black death," but it is simply no fun at all. so if you like your flesh, and would prefer it didn't rot off, we suggest you comply. we are also aware of the fact that you have quite an extensive fortune cookie collection, and have no reservations towards taking said collection, and hiding it in a top secret location where you can't ever find it. even if you tried. it really is a super top secret place. we are also prepared to egg the front most portion of your home and shave your dog. if you fail to respond to this reasonable request within, and no later than, absolutely not, the next 72 hours, consider your dog shaved. thank you.

with conservative malice,

us.